XX - Adult Puns!

As she ran out of the forest, the doe muttered,
"I'll never do that again for two bucks!"

Loretta lowered her lashes and whispered,
"Kiss me goodnight."
So, Bob kissed her on the navel.
"Why did you do it there?" she asked with surprise.
"Oh," he answered, "I wanted to see what you`d open first, your eyes
or your legs."

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophilic.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a
cork in his ass. He says,
"How'd you get a cork stuck in your ass?"
The other guy says,
"I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a
puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He
said, 'I Tonto, Indian Genie. I grant-um one wish.'
And I said,
'No shit!'"

Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.
Bubba asked Homer,
"If I Snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin' an' I made
love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,
"I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."

When the bride learned her husband was gay,
She turned around and took it like a man.

Everyone in the hip nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
obviously pushing seventy, tossing off Manhattans and cavorting around
the dance floor like a teenager. Finally, curiosity got the best of
the bartender.
"I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a man of
your age living it up like a club kid. Tell me, are all of your, uh,
faculties unimpaired?"
The old fellow looked at the girl and shook his head.
"Not all, I'm afraid," he said. "Just last evening I went
nightclubbing with a girlfriend-we drank and danced all night and
finally rolled into her place about two am. We went to bed immediately
and I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke
around three-thirty and nudged my friend. 'Why George,' she said in
surprise, 'we did that just fifteen minutes ago!' "So you see," the
man said sadly, "my memory's beginning to go."

A Whorehouse is a business dedicated to making sure the customer
always comes first.

After the big Superbowl party, Todd figured he better spend some
quality time with his wife.
He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.
"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.
"What's the Four Play?" says Todd.
"You know," the wife, says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

The ultimate rejection is your hand falls asleep while you're masturbating.

"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his
neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through
my fingers!"

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said,
"My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said,
"Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said,
"Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump
on while it's still going."

Surgeons are smooth operators.

Two nuns decided to ride into town from the convent.
They got on their bicycles and began their trip.
Once in town, the nuns turned down an old, cobbled side street.
The first nun says to the other,
"I don't think I've ever come this way before."
The other nun says,
"Neither have I. It's probably the cobblestones!"

Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them?