Puns of the Day...

To identify dogs, we agree
That a strap 'round the neck is the key.
Has the owner's last name;
The phone number of same.
This technique is named "collar ID."

The orchestra was preparing to perform their annual benefit but the
orchestra leader was nowhere to be found.
They delayed as long as possible and finally decided to make due with
what they had. First, they gave the baton to a fireman that happened
to be at the concert hall and told him to lead.
Alas, he had no rhythm and the orchestra fell into disarray.
Then, a doctor in the audience volunteered to give it a try, but he
didn't have a feel for the dynamics and the music sounded too
mechanical.
Finally, a police officer saved the day.
He took the baton and led the orchestra in, according to many in
attendance, the best performance they could remember for years back.
Of course, it should have been obvious that the copper was the best conductor.

It is my impression that abortion of our population has some missed
conceptions about birth control.

Everyone knows that auctions speak louder than words, but you must be
careful when you attend.
The guy in charge can hear you bid even if you don't speak.
I guess it's one place where you can still get something for nodding.
Of course, you will have to stay to the bidder end.

A new household cleaner is just on the market called "Bachelor."
It works fast, and leaves no ring.

His wife was in labour with their first child.
Things were going pretty well when suddenly, she began to shout,
"Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Can't!"
Panicked, the husband phoned their doctor and told him what was happening.
"Doctor, this is Mr. Smith, and my wife is acting very strangely! She
just started calling out 'Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Can't!', over
and over again, with an occasional Isn't! And Won't! Thrown in. What's
going on!? Should I be worried? What should I do? Just what is wrong
with my wife!" he cried.
"Not to worry." said the doctor. "Get her to the hospital, I'll meet you there."
"But what is it?" queried the husband.
"Nothing out of the ordinary," assured the doctor. "It's perfectly and
just part of her pregnancy. She's just having contractions, that's
all!"

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
She will never turn into an old nag.

A blond fellow is driving along the road when he sees a sign on a plot
of land that reads "40 acres for sale" and lists a phone number and in
big bold letters the words "WILL DIVIDE."
The man had been considering buying a bit of land for investment purposes.
So, he calls the number and when a lady picks up, he asks her,
"Is Mr. Divide in?"

Brassiere:
A device to bring out a girl's best points.

After being married 25 years, I took a look at my wife and said,
"Honey, do you realize that 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a
cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white
TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now,
we have a nice house, Nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV. But I'm
sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things,"
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman...
She told me to go find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make
sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a
cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.
I shut up and took out the trash.
Aren't older woman great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

The Lonely Hearts Club chapter for the visually impaired arranges blind dates.

Earl Grey, the community in England where all the tea comes from had a
woman Mayor for over 50 years, but the last few years she was very
arthritic.
To which the residents would complain,
"The Earl Grey Mayor, she ain't what she used to be."