XX - Adult Puns!

A Jewish woman says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Jeff! All he wants is sex, and my privates is now the
size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a
nickel."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8
bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over
45 cents?"

A KISS -
1. Upper persuasion for lower invasion;
2. Upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

"Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get
married next week!" The bride-to-be was ecstatic.
"Gee, honey, don't you think you two should wait till he's been
practicing for a year or so," cautioned her mother?
"Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been practicing for a long time."

I hate sex in the movies.
I tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled, there was popcorn all over the
floor and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

An old man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times!"
"Are you sorry for your sins?'
"What sins?"
"What kind of a Catholic are you?"
"I'm not a Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me all this?"
"I'm telling everybody!"

A herd of masturbating bulls are called:
"Beef strokin' off."

Nina completed four weeks of dental restoration with her dentist.
She confided to her best friend Rosey that she had fallen in love with
her dentist and she was going to propose to him.
Rosey said,
"Nina, you're young, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that
adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?"
"Because," explained Nina, "he is the first man that ever said to me,
'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."

While on a date in a dark movie theatre, Mary Jane's date slipped his
hand down her bra. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed.
She knew she kept her money hidden in her shoe.

The two ladies were discussing a news article concerning gasoline
fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about your husband's new job at the gas station?
Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other lady. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."

The doctor said to the nervous patient about to have a circumcision done,
"It won't be long now!"

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring
mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could
see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so.
The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the
newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to
take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
The little boy responded:
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."