Puns of the Day...

A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith's behaviour.
Off and on throughout her shift, Dr. Smith would run up and down the
hallway, yelling, "Tetanus, measles, flu"!
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse,
"Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?"
"Oh, just ignore him," the head nurse said. "He thinks he calls all
the shots around here."

I've been married eight wonderful years. 1975, 1976, 1987, 1998 wasn't
too bad...

My sister felt she was well prepared for her in-depth interview with
several members of the police-academy board who would determine her
suitability as a candidate.
The first situation they presented to her was:
"On routine patrol you see a car traveling at excessive speed, with
undue care and attention. You pull it over and discover that the
driver is your brother. What do you do?" Without hesitation she
replied,
"Tell Mom!"
She was accepted.

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and
A plumbers business can go down the drain,
Can a hooker get laid off?

Two horses where staring at the same cup half way filled with water.
The jaded pessimistic stallion saw is half empty while the optimistic
young horse saw it half foal.

Being President is like running a cemetery:
You've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening.

Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to
take a CPR course. The classes used the well known mannequin victim,
Resusci-Annie, to practice.
Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow
for storage in a carrying case.
The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my
classmates gently shook the doll and asked,
"Are you all right?"
He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing.
Suddenly, he turned to the instructor and exclaimed,
"Oh my God! She said she can't feel her legs!"

An unscrupulous lawyer stayed up with a pretty widow all one night
trying to break her will.

It was on my fifth birthday that Papa put his hand on my shoulder and said,
"Remember, my son, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at
the end of your arm."

I got robbed!
I don't know how he got in.
He must have got intruder window.

While visiting relatives in Oregon I commented to my cousin how much
later sunset was compared to my home in California.
She said she was surprised, since we both lived the same distance from
the ocean.
I asked her what the distance from the ocean had to do with it.
She said it was because that's where the sun sets.

Happiness isn't having what you want,
it's wanting what you have.

When a little boy came home from school with a sofa slung across his
back and armchairs under his arms, his Dad said
"I told you not to take suites from strangers!"

If God had intended for man to use the metric system,
Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one
day and spilled coffee all over our computer.
The liquid poured into the processing unit, and resulted in some
dramatic crackling and popping sounds.
After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the
computer was turned back on.
"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.
A waitress replied,
"Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."