XX - Adult Puns!

Some are crude..do not read if you are a prude..

When a corpulent spinster named Snow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied!
I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"

The trial on pornography ended with a hung jury.

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin.
Immediately, realising his intentions she says,
"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist
tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."
Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep.
A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.
"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

Confucius says man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Two married friends are out drinking…
One says to the other:
"I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried
everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut
off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and
creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but
then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."
His friend replies:
"Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm
up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my
wife's bottom and say,
"How about a blow job?"
She always pretends she's asleep."

Two old dears having a coffee, one asks the other,
"Did you come on the bus?"
"Yes," she replies, "but I made it look like an asthma attack."

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "what makes them so special?"
"There are three colours," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly,
"Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!

Peter pan:
A wash basin in a whorehouse.

I was talking to a friend of mine, and he told me that he's been
married a little over four years and was celebrating his 'Wooden'
anniversary.
I asked what a 'wooden' anniversary was.
He said,
"I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden.

"It really is true," exclaimed the satisfied young woman to the man
lying beside her.
"Nice guys finish last!"

An innocent young man went into a strip club for the first time.
Not wanting to watch the show alone, he sat down next to an older gentleman.
"Come here often?" he asked.
"Not really," he replied.  "I usually wait until I get home."