Puns of the Day...

Excuses:
"Marianne was absent November 11-6, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache, and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat.
Her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."

Chivalry:
A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for
his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every
Shabbat.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his
nephew's bar mitzvah.
But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon.
So, he decided to hire a Shabbas goy to sit in the congregation and
tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.
Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire
Shabbas goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of
going to shul.
Within a few weeks' time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul
taping the rabbi.
The rabbi got wise to this.
The following Shabbas he, too, hired a Shabbas goy who brought a tape
recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the
congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of
artificial insermonation.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in a
hit TV show. All she had to do was divide her favours between the star
and the producer.
It was just a sham though, she never got any air time at all.
You might even say she was shared skit less.

A one-legged monk became a bell-hop.

I was tempted to invest in butter substitute shares, using my existing
account as security for my purchase.
However, my stockbroker warned me that it's very risky to buy on margerine. (
Nylons give women a run for their money?

The Iranians and the Kurds were having it out again, warring.
The Kurds were advancing pretty rapidly, and the Iranians wanted to
know how to stop them.
They consulted their Imam, who asked how many Kurds there were.
When told that there were 750,000 Kurds on the front, the Imam said to
amass 375,000 bones and erect a shrine to God with them; that that
would stop the Kurds dead in their tracks -- paralyze them, in fact.
When asked why, he replied,
"That way, we still two Kurds with one bone."

My friend Max hates going up steep hills.
He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new
drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a
convent?
The FDA refused to license it, though.
Seems it was habit-forming.

You must learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived
at London's Gatwick Airport.
Tania headed for the British passport control line while I, an
American, waited in the foreigners' line.
When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit.
"Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon."
The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other.
"That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport.
"Most men bring their wives with them."

Headline:
Four Time Looser Takes The Fifth

California vintners in the Napa Valley area that primarily produces
the Pinot's have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an
anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has
to make to the bathroom during the night.
They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.