Puns of the Day...

I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota.
Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on our base.
One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a
General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to
the flight line with instruments.
One of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement.
He took the C.O. Aside for a whispered conference.
When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled.
There was no arriving general.
We had almost played for the weather forecast.

Define "Potholder":
A hippie's cigarette case.

One day, an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo.
A citywide search discovered the ape in the New York Public Library.
Zoo officials and animal handlers found the creature sitting at a
table in the reading room. Spread in front of him were several books,
including the Bible and the works of Charles Darwin.
The ape was reading with great concentration.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied,
"I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my
keeper's brother.""

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

Mama sparrow was in the family way.
There were four eggs in the nest on which she was sitting.
Three were white but one was strangely different.
It was speckled.
"Why is that one speckled?" asked Papa Sparrow.
Mama sparrow replied: "I just did it for a lark!"

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I saw a new commercial for Dulcolax, a laxative, last night.
It has this woman who is so happy Dulcolax worked for her.
At the end of the spot, she sinks down into this large, overstuffed
comfy-chair with "Dulcolax" written on it.
As she snuggles down into the chair, she smiles and lovingly strokes
the logo. Conversation ensues:
Woman:
"So, if we buy Dulcolax, it'll make my chair soft, too?"
Announcer:
"No! It's only for stools."

The band in the Mediterranean restaurant was off for the evening so
they could not play our favourite song.
So, we asked the wait staff to hummus the tune.

A man was eating at a diner, when a well-dressed man sitting next to him said,
"Excuse me for intruding, but I could not help noticing your accent.
Are you from Krakow?" "Yes, I am," replied the surprised man.
"It is so nice to meet a land kinsman here in America," said the
well-dressed man.
"I tell you what. I am a vice-president at the XYZ Network. If you
ever need a job, give me a call and I will be happy to set you up."
Six months go by, and the man loses his job, and decides to call his new friend.
He had completely forgotten the man's name at this point.
So. He decided to take a shot in the dark.
The receptionist answered, and he asked,
"Pardon me, do you have a Krakauer there?"
"Sir," she replied, "we don't even get a coffee break!"

Children are small people who are not permitted to act as their
parents did when they were the same age

Moisha Rabinowitz fled his native land of Germany in the late 1930s.
He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of
solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to
why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.
So, Moisha explained,
"We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes, one for meat
products and one for dairy products, but I am so kosher and religious
I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said,
"Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Moisha then said,
"Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for
Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meats
and one for dairy."
The customs official slapped his head and then said,
"You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and
dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets
of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."