XX - Adult Puns!

If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey,
We would all be having a piece of ass on Thanksgiving!

"My but you look different today Claudia." commented Rene to her co-worker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did
you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?"
"No !" replied Claudia. "My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

Only 2% of blondes are touch-typists,
The rest are hunt'n peckers.

I was in my local bar and I bumped into an old neighbour.
A woman who, as a fourteen year old, I would babysit for to earn a bit of cash.
I'd always had a crush on this woman and the years had been kind to
her as she still looked really fit for her age.
We shared a few drinks and she started to flirt with me and she
reminded me that I used to babysit her kids.
I suddenly remembered I used to go through her drawers, get out her
vibrator, all crusty with the odd pube stuck to it, and sniff it while
wanking myself off, thinking of her using it on herself.
I snapped back to the conversation.
"Are you still with your husband?" I asked.
She smiled, touched my arm and said,
"No. I left him when I found him, one night, wanking to gay porn with
a dildo up his ass."

Cute little 5-year old Tiffany comes home from kindergarten and says
to her mother, "Mommy, Tommy's penis is like a peanut."
Her mother, a little surprised, asks.
"Why? Is it because it's so small, darling?".
"No," answers Tiffany, "because it's so salty"

The major difference between war and peace is:
There has never been a good war.

Mary Jane was scooting up the flagpole at school.
The teacher cried out,
"Mary Jane get down! The boys can see your panties!"
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed.
She knew she wasn't wearing any.

Virginity is a bubble on the stream of life;
One prick and it's gone forever.

Our family was all together recently, just hanging around.
My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little
piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud;
"Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
My bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back,
"So, how come yours don't?"
To which our father from behind his newspaper and without even a
pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

Safe sex is practiced in New Zealand by spray painting X's on the back
of the sheep that kick.