XX - Adult Puns!

It happened at a summer resort, as so many things do.
The young executive was sitting at the bar, quietly drinking himself
into a stupor, when an attractive redhead sat down beside him and
ordered scotch and water.
They got into a harmless conversation, and as the evening wore on they
became progressively more friendly.
After the umpteenth round, he leaned over and whispered in her ear.
"Let's get a bottle and go up to my room."
She focused her glassy stare on him.
"I'll have you know I'm a lady," she slurred.
"I realize that. If I wanted a man I'd send home for my brother."

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says,
"What's the story?"
He replies,
"Just crap in the carburetor."
She asks,
"How often do I have to do that?"

A father of 17 kids goes to the doctor with a rash on his belly.
"All right" says the Doc, "Drop 'em and let's have a look."
Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims.
"Yes. You've got a bad rash there, but my word what brown balls you've
got. They're truly remarkable!"
The patient is a bit embarrassed and says.
"Look Doc. What about the rash?"
"Oh that's easy." said the Doc., "Here's some cream to rub on. By the
way those brown balls are amazing, may I ask..."
"No," said the patient. "You can't. Now, is that all, Doc?"
"Well," said the Doctor," You could stop the rash from coming back
with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants
every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"
The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs
clean underpants every day,
"What?" she yells. "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to
chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy
after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be joking. I
haven't even had time to wipe my ass!"
"Ah," he said. "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about."

A young woman said to her friend:
"I didn't realize that sex could be so painful!"
"Why was he THAT big?" exclaimed her friend excitedly.
"No, when I got on all fours, the perverted bastard missed the target
by about an inch!"

A young girl sneaks into the bathroom, and sees her father in the shower.
Naturally, she is curious and asks what his testicles are.
"Those are the apples of the tree of life" he tells her, by way of
poetic concealment. Impressed, the girl then repeats this information
to her mother, who replies,
"Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging on?"

If sex Is music of the soul,
An orgasm is the Gland Finale

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks:
"Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies,
"I'd wait until he's at least 14."

One day while passing a nursing home I noticed six old ladies lying
naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual but I continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six
old ladies laying on the lawn.
This time my curiosity got the best of me and I went inside to talk to
the manager.
"Do you know there are six ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"
"Yes," he said. "they are retired prostitutes and they're having a yard sale!"