XX - Adult Puns!

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to
the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a
diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 am. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2am.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5am., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm
was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly. Peter Peter, something or other...."

"How long have you been suffering from premature ejaculation?" asked
the doctor of his young patient.
"Ever since I was just a little squirt."

A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy
in unusual activities. "Even the most natural and common actions can
provide an immense amount of pleasure. For example, a good bowel
movement can be as enjoyable as making love."
A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged.
"Professor," he says, "either you don't know how to fornicate, or I
don't know how to shit!"

Rumba:
An asset to music.

This is a fairy tale:
Once upon a time, there was a rich and handsome king.
He sent fliers throughout his kingdom promising that whoever brought
him the head of the fearsome dragon that was terrorizing the
countryside could have all of his wealth or the hand of his lovely
daughter in marriage.
Of course, all the able-bodied men in the kingdom went off in pursuit.
Three days later a fellow arrived at the palace door bearing the
bloody head of the dragon.
"Well done," exclaimed the king. "You may have my beautiful daughter's hand."
"Thanks, but I don't want your daughter," said the man.
"I see. Come with me to empty out the treasury," offered the king.
"Thanks, but I don't want your money either. I want YOU, sweetie!"
So, they lived happily ever after.
See, I told you it was a fairy tale.

A fellow dies, goes to Hell, and is surprised when confronted by a
room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.
He asks a nearby demon if this is really Hell, and what was so bad
about the place.
"Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and
the blondes don't!"

95% of all people have haemorrhoids.
The other 5% are perfect assholes!

My wife isn't speaking to me.
Yesterday at breakfast she was reading the sale brochures, and knowing
it's approaching dove season, and I might need shells, and seeing that
Dick's Sporting Goods had a sale, she incautiously asked,
"Do you want to look at Dick's?"
And I even more incautiously replied,
"Honey, you of all people know I'm straight."

Have you heard of the new line of tampax with bells and tinsel?
It's for the Christmas period.

A woman's husband always lets her know when he's not getting enough.
The other night when their boys were being particularly rambunctious,
and groping each other, she yelled at them
"In this house, we don't touch each other's privates."
To which her husband replied,
"No kidding."

Dancing:
A navel engagement with no discharge of seamen.