XX - Adult Puns!

The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be expected while
the guy was slowly going over the breakfast menu.
Being a smart ass, he said to the other guys in the booth, and loud
enough for her to overhear,
"I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm
served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."
The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented,
"In that case, maybe you should be looking at the children's menu."

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual,
Which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."

The other night my wife and I were making love when I heard her yelling,
"Climax! Climax!"
I asked her,
"What's the big hurry?"
She replied,
"I didn't say that. I thought it was you."
Then, we both heard it again from the next apartment,
'Climax, So CLIMAX! '
Later we found out the little old lady who lives next door was
teaching her parakeet Max to go up a ladder.

How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
The hero always gets his man in the end.

A newly weds went for honeymoon in train from Delhi to Mumbai.
Due to the heavy booking they had to sleep on separate berths.
The husband told the wife, to make it easy,
"You just tell me that you want a chappati, then I'll climb onto your
berth and we can make love."
So, as the train moves an hour later, the wife calls the husband,
"Darling, I want a chappati."
The husband gets on with the task.
When finished, the husband returned to his berth.
This process went for about THREE TIMES, and the husband had no choice
but to oblige his new, young and beautiful wife.
What a nice honeymoon!
In the morning they sat in the buffet car for breakfast.
The husband asked the wife,
"How was the chappati last night?"
The wife replied,
"I liked the FOURTH chappati... The best!".
The husband was surprised and said,
"I thought I gave you only THREE chappatis!"
On the next table replied a husky Sadarji,
"I found the oven was still warm so I fried my chappati there too!"

I went to the sex shop the other day and bought a Palestinian sex doll.
When I got it home, it blew itself up!

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits.
"I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective
countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck
strongly."
"That's all very well for you," huffed her friend. "but I don't happen
to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

The worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid is
"No, she isn't!"

A very close friend of mine always made a special effort with his
family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year
old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time --
just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't
feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously
ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' '
Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single asshole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went
today!'

Scott was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said, "It's
actually really romantic." "Oh, yeah?" responded Scott. "Well, I
thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was
bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn't give me my money
back and refused to give me another girl."