XX - Adult Puns!

"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"

I met a woman who was willin'
Now I'm takin' penicillin.

A lady goes to the gynaecologist but won't tell the receptionist
what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor.
After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in.
"Ok, my good woman what is your problem?" the doctor asks.
"Well," she says, "My husband is a very compulsive gambler and every
nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So, I had five hundred
dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out."
The doctor says,
"Don't be nervous, I see this happen all the time."
He asks her to pull down her underwear, sits her down with her legs
wide open, puts his gloves on and says:
"I only have one question. What am I looking for, bills or loose change?"

Jack Frost:
The indisposition that occurs to men who masturbate outdoors in
sub-freezing weather.

To alleviate my public speaking phobia, my speech instructor suggested
I envision the audience naked.
Though it initially seemed to work, I soon realized it was replaced
with a new phobia: the fear of getting wood in front of my co-workers
during a staff meeting.

An ingenious call girl found a better-paying position.

Johnny and his pal Billy were walking in the park when they passed
three ladies eating bananas on a bench.
"Howdy ladies," Johnny said as he passed three women.
"Do you know them?" Billy asked.
"No," Johnny replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the
bride we just passed." "How in the world did you know all that about
them ladies?" asked Billy.
"That's easy. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and used
the fingers of the other hand to properly break the banana into small
pieces."
"The prostitute," he continued, "grabbed the banana with both hands
and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"That's pretty impressive!" Billy exclaimed.
"But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Oh, that was the easiest," explained Johnny, "She was the one who
held the banana with one hand and pushed her head toward it with the
other."

The unfortunate voyeur was apprehended at the peek of his career.

Two Viagra pills walk into a bar and sit next to two marijuana plants.
The marijuana plants are lamenting about being illegal.
The Viagra pills scoff at them.
One marijuana plant turns to the Viagra pills and asks,
"Don't you think we should be legal?"
"No," said the Viagra pills, "we are hard on drugs."

Did you hear about the man who had eight vasectomies?
His wife kept getting pregnant.

The lanky Texas ranch hand was still a virgin at twenty-one.
So, on his first trip to the big city, he decided to visit a brothel
and find out what he'd been missing.
Upon securing the address of a rather exclusive establishment, he soon
found himself lying in bed with an attractive partner.
Sensing the lad was somewhat inexperienced, the professional gently
took his hand and placed it on the source of her income.
"Is this what you're looking for?" she whispered seductively.
"Well, I don't rightly know, ma'am," the cowboy murmured shyly. "I'm a
stranger to these parts."

A blonde I know gets a grand and glorious feeling whenever a man makes
love to her,
But the grand always comes first.

An Indian chief traded in his forty-year-old squaw for two twenty-year-olds?
A couple of weeks later a couple of fellow braves saw him back with
his forty-year-old squaw.
They asked him,
"What happened to your two twenty-year-olds?"
The Chief replied,
"Me no wired for 220!"