Puns of the Day...

Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his children, both female and male,
"From your offspring, my dears,
In a few million years,
May evolve a professor at Yale."

A hunter was confronted by both a bull and a lion.
He shot the lion first because he could always shoot the bull.

To celebrate Canada's Centennial year of 1967, Vancouver, British
Columbia, built a magnificent planetarium that has played to standing
room audiences since it opened. Many of its visitors are students of
secondary schools, and one school decided to produce a play wherein
the student players would enact the roles of heavenly bodies.
The teacher who had written the play, chose her cast and awarded the
roles to those who would play the Sun and the planets in the galaxies.
Shirley, devoted to astronomy, was given the part of a minor planet,
but she wanted only the key part of the Dog Star, one of the sky's
brightest stars.
Shirley tried everything.
She importuned.
She was tearful.
She ranted, and when she finally began a campaign of remarks
disparaging to the girl who did get the part.
The exasperated teacher finally stopped all her arguments, shouting,
"Shirley, you can't be Sirius!"

I once dated a model.
I'll tell you exactly how it happened. I just walked right up to her and said,
"You're like 23, right?"

I spent several years as a entertainment director on cruise ships.
In order to work on a ship you are required to attend frequent
lectures in water safety. Considerable time was devoted to what you
should do if you accidentally fall overboard.
It was recommended to us, not to panic, but to slowly remove all our
outer clothing. However, we were warned to be certain that the blouse
always is taken off last, because the air gets under the blouse and
acts like a buoy.

He is a man who has never been known to put two straight lines together.
He is truly without parallel.

I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but
our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate.
It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off.
Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.
He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem.
Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had
hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.

In theory, housebreaking your dog may seem like a fine idea,
But it doesn't look good on paper.

A physicist was caught going through a red light at an intersection.
When he came before the judge he argued that he was going so fast that
the red light  blue shifted into green.
A student whom the professor had failed the term before was in the courtroom.
When the accused made this claim, the student asking to be heard,
testified that if were this true, the professor would have been
travelling far in excess of the posted speed limit. The charge was
changed from running the red light to speeding by the presiding judge.
The judge then decided to fine the physicist $1 for every mile per
hour he was going over the speed limit of 35 miles per hour.
So, the fine was approximately $130 million dollars.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says,
'You're only interested in one thing,'
And you can't remember what it is.

A man was waiting for his mail delivery.
He was expecting his weekly newsmagazine and a free sample of detergent.
In the meantime, while he was waiting, he decided to build a snowman
in front of the mailbox so he could have some fun watching the mail
truck knock it down.
But when the mail truck arrived, the mailman refused to drive over the
snowman, and told the man he'd have to wait for his mail delivery
until he took the snowman away.
"But what about my favourite newsmagazine and my free sample of
detergent that are supposed to be in today's mail?" the man asked.
"Sorry," said the mailman. "Time and Tide wait for snowman."

When the tabby cuddled on her lap,
She was feline fine.

Straight from the horse's mouth, a little bird told us that the human
race is filled with congressional hawks and doves who fight like cats
and dogs till the cows come home, and with Wall Street bulls and bears
who make a beeline for the goose that lays the golden egg.