Tuesday, November 30, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose in to other people's business.
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities,
but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
One day, she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after
she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar
one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing
it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned
and walked away.
He didn't explain, defend, nor deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of
Mildred's house, and left it there all night.
You gotta love George!

What do you call a gay dentist?
The tooth fairy!

Morry was not having a good day on the golf course.
After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife" said Morry. " As you know, she's taken up golf, and
since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week."
"Well you should think yourself lucky," said his partner. "She's cut
some of us out altogether!"

Sheriff walks up to a gay cowboy, and says,
"Partner, you've got 5 minutes to blow this town."
Gay cowboy looks around slowly and says,
"This is a pretty big town, I'll need a couple of hours."

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel.
He got in his room and opened up the Gideon's Bible to page 1, then
called the front desk and asked the hat check girl to come up to his
room for dinner.
After a while he started making passes,
She stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.
"It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."
So, after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where
in the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex.
The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page
where someone had written in pencil:
"The hat check girl puts out!"


An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems...
Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya at teyhk a look, if ya woot'.
So, the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
'Incredible' he says, 'there is a £20 note lodged up here.'
Tentatively, he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a
£10 pound note appears.
'This is amazing!'exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?'
'Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man! 'shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and
another and another and another, etc...
Finally, the last note comes out and no more appear.
'Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest,
how moch was in dare den?'
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says,
'£1,990 exactly.'
'Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman 'I knew I wasn't feeling two grand..'

A man was admitted to the hospital suffering from premature ejaculation.
The doctors said it was touch and go.

Chestnut:
A man who loves topless dancers.

Read More...

Monday, November 29, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

As she ran out of the forest, the doe muttered,
"I'll never do that again for two bucks!"

Loretta lowered her lashes and whispered,
"Kiss me goodnight."
So, Bob kissed her on the navel.
"Why did you do it there?" she asked with surprise.
"Oh," he answered, "I wanted to see what you`d open first, your eyes
or your legs."

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophilic.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a
cork in his ass. He says,
"How'd you get a cork stuck in your ass?"
The other guy says,
"I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a
puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He
said, 'I Tonto, Indian Genie. I grant-um one wish.'
And I said,
'No shit!'"

Bubba and Homer were sitting in back of their trailers, shooting the breeze.
Bubba asked Homer,
"If I Snuck ovah to yore house while you wuz out fishin' an' I made
love to yore wife, an' she got pregnant, would that make us kin?"
Homer scratched his head for a bit then said,
"I don't think so, but it shore would make us even."

When the bride learned her husband was gay,
She turned around and took it like a man.

Everyone in the hip nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
obviously pushing seventy, tossing off Manhattans and cavorting around
the dance floor like a teenager. Finally, curiosity got the best of
the bartender.
"I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a man of
your age living it up like a club kid. Tell me, are all of your, uh,
faculties unimpaired?"
The old fellow looked at the girl and shook his head.
"Not all, I'm afraid," he said. "Just last evening I went
nightclubbing with a girlfriend-we drank and danced all night and
finally rolled into her place about two am. We went to bed immediately
and I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. I woke
around three-thirty and nudged my friend. 'Why George,' she said in
surprise, 'we did that just fifteen minutes ago!' "So you see," the
man said sadly, "my memory's beginning to go."

A Whorehouse is a business dedicated to making sure the customer
always comes first.

After the big Superbowl party, Todd figured he better spend some
quality time with his wife.
He climbs upstairs, walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.
"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you want me to run."
"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.
"What's the Four Play?" says Todd.
"You know," the wife, says, "It happens before the two minute warning."

The ultimate rejection is your hand falls asleep while you're masturbating.

"My brother just told me that there's a sperm bank in his
neighbourhood that pays $40 for a donation."
"Yeah, so?"
"Don't you realize?" the man cried. "I've let a fortune slip through
my fingers!"

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said,
"My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said,
"Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."
The third said,
"Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump
on while it's still going."

Surgeons are smooth operators.

Two nuns decided to ride into town from the convent.
They got on their bicycles and began their trip.
Once in town, the nuns turned down an old, cobbled side street.
The first nun says to the other,
"I don't think I've ever come this way before."
The other nun says,
"Neither have I. It's probably the cobblestones!"

Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them?

Read More...

Banta's letter to Bill Gates

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab . We have bought a
computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to
your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and
whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only
****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed
appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked
with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem
in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password
*****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what
the password is.

2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down' button.

3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request
you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run'
has ran upto Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so
that we can click that by sitting.

5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find
only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost
the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find',
but unable to trace. Is it a bug??

7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from
CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.

8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning
'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to
collect ur money.

9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft
sentence', so when u will provide that?

Best regards,

Banta Singh

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

A blonde I know gets a grand and glorious feeling whenever a man makes
love to her,
But, the grand always comes first.

Tarzan and Jane are traveling through the jungle, when they are
suddenly attacked by a troop of savage baboons.
As Tarzan fights some of the attackers off, Jane clings gingerly to a
thin tree branch, barely out of reach of the rest of the attacking
apes.
After Tarzan has vanquished the baboons confronting him, he turns just
in time to see Jane's tree branch begin to break.
Thinking quickly, Tarzan leaps for a vine and swings towards her.
As he nears, Tarzan yells,
"Grab the vine, Jane, grab the vine!"
She reaches out and makes a quick grab just as he swings by.
Tarzan screams,
"Aaiiieeeeeeeee! I said the vine dammit!"
From that day forth, Tarzan was the best-hung male in the jungle.

Florida gynecologists are spreaders of old wives' tails.

"My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling
his father.
"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised. "Take special care
with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And
do your assignments and homework promptly."
"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed. "She hissed at
me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."

What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

Read More...

Sunday, November 28, 2010

God gave me the grace

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you
mean, you 'know' what the Bible means? The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy,
Daddy...." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic
Information Before Leaving Earth.'

________________________________
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to
her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything
breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten
Commandments. " answered the lady.

________________________________
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,
Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good
Lord, it's morning."

________________________________
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because
he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he
put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the
block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
Forgive us our trespasses."  When he returned, he found a citation
from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block
for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us
not into temptation."

________________________________
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to
his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we
have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news
is, it's still out there in your pockets."

________________________________
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish
carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humour,
because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed
sign.... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution:
Do not step on exhaust."

________________________________
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is
an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.  "Really? How do you know?" the
teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.... "

________________________________
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before
a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were
many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a
vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the
delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get
ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.
It's the same in my business."

________________________________
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church and the
centre of attention.

________________________________
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the
lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get
your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day,
the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that
morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy
comforter is coming."

________________________________
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting
for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find
that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought
in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have
to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the
finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers
and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice
as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can
pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute
organist played "The Star Spangled Banner" (USA 's national anthem).
And that is how the substitute became the c organist!

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,  Give me the grace to see a joke,  To
get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk!

Read More...

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

What is Tension?

A beautiful girl asks lift from you.  On the way she faints and you
take her to hospital.

Doctor says 'Congrats. You are going to become a father.'

THAT'S IT. YOU GET TENSED.

You say – 'But that baby is not mine.'

Girl says – 'he is the father of my baby.'

YOU HAVE MORE TENSION.

Police comes and DNA test is done. Report comes.

Which says that you can never become a father.


EVEN MORE TENSION FOR YOU.

Anyhow you thank God and return home.  Then you think,  "At home I
have 2 kids. Whose are those?"

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

I hear people say,
"I have underwear older than that store clerk."
Honey, if your undies are 16+ years old, the problem is NOT the sales clerk.

Define "Pumpkin":
Sex with a relative.

One night at a club Little Red Riding Hood and the big bad wolf were
getting their groove on.
After hours of dancing and leading each other on, they went back to his place.
He asked her,
"Come on. Please just let me put it in."
Little Red Riding Hood replied,
"Just stick to the story, Wolf. Eat Me!"

Q. What do a blonde and a good beer have in common?
A. They both go down easy.

A woman never forgets the men she could have had;
A man, the women he couldn't.

The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
"It is only a pity that the management system is so damn temperamental.

It took a long time for Lorena Bobbit to throw her husband's penis out
the window because she didn't have the balls.

Confucius said:
Baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard.

Two woman were talking about the new hunk in the neighbourhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other.
"I think he must have his brains between his legs."
"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

Read More...

Vaseline does help

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he
 comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
 
 The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It
 is shiny and in absolute mint condition.
 
 He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great
 condition for 10 years.
 
 'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is
 outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it
 from the rain.'
 
 And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
 
 That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
 Naturally, they take the bike there.
 
 But just before they enter the
 house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my
 family before we go in.'
 
 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says
 anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
 
 'No problem,' he says. And in they go.
 
 Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge
 stack of dirty dishes.
 
 In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in
 the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
 
 They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
 
 As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
 
 So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
 
 No one says a word.
 
 So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
 
 Still,
 nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off,
 throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her
 parents.
 
 His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her
 mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
 
 He looks at her mom..
 
 'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
 
 So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her
 panties, and screws her every which way right there on the dinner table.
 After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
 
 Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is pleasantly
 beaming.
 But still, Total silence.
 
 All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
 
 Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
 pocket...
 
 Suddenly the father shouted....
 
 'I'll do the fricking dishes!!!

Read More...

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

As the horror movie was about to reach its terrifying conclusion, the
young woman began fidgeting in her seat.
The man sitting behind her leaned forward and inquired quietly,
"Feeling hysterical?"
"No," she whispered, pointing to her boyfriend. "He's feeling mine."

Men who read woman like a book, prefer braille!

One day, mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found a
bondage S&M magazine, some rope, leather gear, etc.
This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him,
"Well, what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said,
"Well, I don't think you should spank him."

A new Life magazine survey shows that most men want to have sex on the
weekend, while most women want to spend their weekends getting some
sleep.
This actually means men and women can both get what they want on the
weekend as long as women are willing to wait three minutes.

My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's so bad in bed
she uses a dill dough.

When one of the two first-grade teachers at the posh suburb's new
school left on her two-week honeymoon, the other volunteered to teach
both classes in her absence.
A few weeks later, at a housewarming party given by the newlyweds, the
guests were somewhat taken aback as the groom introduced them to his
wife's teaching colleague: "And this, ladies and gentlemen," announced
the grateful husband, "is the lovely lady who substituted for my wife
during our honeymoon."

Jill was talking to her hair stylist.
"It's silly," she said, "but my daughter has some sort of crazy idea
about losing her hair." "What do you mean?" the beautician asked.
"Well, I overheard her on the phone the other day telling her best
friend that she hoped she'd be 'balled' soon."

Two gay guys get in a fight in a bar.
They go outside to exchange blows.

Read More...

Monday, November 22, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

What counts is not how many animals were killed to make the fur, but
how many animals the woman had to sleep with to get the fur.

Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly,
"Did you win, Dad?"
I have explained to him time and time again that you're really just
playing against yourself. This time the family was on vacation and I
had gone out to play a round.
When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was
full of young kids and surrounded by dozens of parents.
From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled,
"Hey Dad! Were you just playing with yourself again?"
We checked out that night.

The two-piece bikini invented to separate:
The meat section from the dairy section.

After many years of bachelorhood, this older gent finds and marries a
beautiful young lady.
On their honeymoon night, she slips into a sheer negligee and a
comfortable bed as he goes into the bathroom to prepare himself for
glory.
Five minutes go by.
Ten minutes go by.
Concerned, the bride goes into the bathroom, where she finds her aged
husband furiously masturbating.
She smiles and says,
"You're married now. You don't have to do that anymore."
Her husband looks at her a bit bewildered and says,
"Oh, I forgot."

Kids born in whorehouses are referred to as brothel sprouts.

"I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth grade
teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions.
One kid asked,
'Is there any part of the woman's body known as the Volvo?'
Which I thought was a good question.
I said,
'Only on Swedish women.'"

Read More...

XX Million Dollar questions for sharing.......

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is
Restricted!


Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...


New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position
with different women..


Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll
have to do it again...


Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.


Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.


Q: What is the difference between an UNDERWEAR & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when
you pull down the UNDERWEAR..... it's SHOWTIME!!!


Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later...


Advantages of having an affair with married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell
 And there's no wedding bell!


My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in
Paradise .
Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

Read More...

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Puns of the Day...

I was in the band at Ellsworth Air Force Base, South Dakota.
Our group was required to play for all generals who arrived on our base.
One morning, when our commanding officer heard on the radio that a
General Frost was expected just after noon, he sent us scrambling to
the flight line with instruments.
One of the musicians had also heard the radio announcement.
He took the C.O. Aside for a whispered conference.
When they returned, the officer told us the performance was canceled.
There was no arriving general.
We had almost played for the weather forecast.

Define "Potholder":
A hippie's cigarette case.

One day, an ape escaped from the Bronx Zoo.
A citywide search discovered the ape in the New York Public Library.
Zoo officials and animal handlers found the creature sitting at a
table in the reading room. Spread in front of him were several books,
including the Bible and the works of Charles Darwin.
The ape was reading with great concentration.
The zoo keepers asked the ape what he was doing.
The ape replied,
"I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my
keeper's brother.""

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

Mama sparrow was in the family way.
There were four eggs in the nest on which she was sitting.
Three were white but one was strangely different.
It was speckled.
"Why is that one speckled?" asked Papa Sparrow.
Mama sparrow replied: "I just did it for a lark!"

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I saw a new commercial for Dulcolax, a laxative, last night.
It has this woman who is so happy Dulcolax worked for her.
At the end of the spot, she sinks down into this large, overstuffed
comfy-chair with "Dulcolax" written on it.
As she snuggles down into the chair, she smiles and lovingly strokes
the logo. Conversation ensues:
Woman:
"So, if we buy Dulcolax, it'll make my chair soft, too?"
Announcer:
"No! It's only for stools."

The band in the Mediterranean restaurant was off for the evening so
they could not play our favourite song.
So, we asked the wait staff to hummus the tune.

A man was eating at a diner, when a well-dressed man sitting next to him said,
"Excuse me for intruding, but I could not help noticing your accent.
Are you from Krakow?" "Yes, I am," replied the surprised man.
"It is so nice to meet a land kinsman here in America," said the
well-dressed man.
"I tell you what. I am a vice-president at the XYZ Network. If you
ever need a job, give me a call and I will be happy to set you up."
Six months go by, and the man loses his job, and decides to call his new friend.
He had completely forgotten the man's name at this point.
So. He decided to take a shot in the dark.
The receptionist answered, and he asked,
"Pardon me, do you have a Krakauer there?"
"Sir," she replied, "we don't even get a coffee break!"

Children are small people who are not permitted to act as their
parents did when they were the same age

Moisha Rabinowitz fled his native land of Germany in the late 1930s.
He sold all his assets and converted it to gold and then had 5 sets of
solid gold false teeth made.
When he arrived in New York the customs official was perplexed as to
why anybody would have 5 sets of gold teeth.
So, Moisha explained,
"We Orthodox Jews have two separate sets of dishes, one for meat
products and one for dairy products, but I am so kosher and religious
I also have separate sets of teeth."
The customs official shook his head and said,
"Well, that accounts for two sets of teeth. What about the other three?"
Moisha then said,
"Vell us very religious Orthodox Jews use separate dishes for
Passover, but I am so religious I have separate teeth, one for meats
and one for dairy."
The customs official slapped his head and then said,
"You must be a very religious man with separate teeth for food and
dairy products and likewise for Passover. That accounts for four sets
of teeth. What about the fifth set?"
"Vell to tell you the truth, once in a while I like a ham sandwich."

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be expected while
the guy was slowly going over the breakfast menu.
Being a smart ass, he said to the other guys in the booth, and loud
enough for her to overhear,
"I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm
served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."
The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented,
"In that case, maybe you should be looking at the children's menu."

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual,
Which makes it kind of hard for him to come out of the closet."

The other night my wife and I were making love when I heard her yelling,
"Climax! Climax!"
I asked her,
"What's the big hurry?"
She replied,
"I didn't say that. I thought it was you."
Then, we both heard it again from the next apartment,
'Climax, So CLIMAX! '
Later we found out the little old lady who lives next door was
teaching her parakeet Max to go up a ladder.

How can you tell if a novel is homosexual?
The hero always gets his man in the end.

A newly weds went for honeymoon in train from Delhi to Mumbai.
Due to the heavy booking they had to sleep on separate berths.
The husband told the wife, to make it easy,
"You just tell me that you want a chappati, then I'll climb onto your
berth and we can make love."
So, as the train moves an hour later, the wife calls the husband,
"Darling, I want a chappati."
The husband gets on with the task.
When finished, the husband returned to his berth.
This process went for about THREE TIMES, and the husband had no choice
but to oblige his new, young and beautiful wife.
What a nice honeymoon!
In the morning they sat in the buffet car for breakfast.
The husband asked the wife,
"How was the chappati last night?"
The wife replied,
"I liked the FOURTH chappati... The best!".
The husband was surprised and said,
"I thought I gave you only THREE chappatis!"
On the next table replied a husky Sadarji,
"I found the oven was still warm so I fried my chappati there too!"

I went to the sex shop the other day and bought a Palestinian sex doll.
When I got it home, it blew itself up!

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits.
"I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective
countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck
strongly."
"That's all very well for you," huffed her friend. "but I don't happen
to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

The worst thing you can say to a man who complains that his wife is frigid is
"No, she isn't!"

A very close friend of mine always made a special effort with his
family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year
old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time --
just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't
feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take
their granddaughter out. When they returned, the little girl anxiously
ran upstairs to see her Grandfather.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' '
Oh yes, Papa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a
single asshole, dumb bastard, dip shit or horse's ass anywhere we went
today!'

Scott was lamenting to the bartender that he met his wife in a brothel.
"You shouldn't be so unhappy about it," the barkeep said, "It's
actually really romantic." "Oh, yeah?" responded Scott. "Well, I
thought she was home taking care of the kids and she thought I was
bowling. And to clinch it all, the madame wouldn't give me my money
back and refused to give me another girl."

Read More...

Friday, November 19, 2010

Snow in Jamaica

The lady goes on vacation to Jamaica.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate
love making she asks him,
            'What  is your name?'

             'I can't tell you,' the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name
is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her last
night there, she asks again -
                         'Can you please tell me your name?'

       'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me' ...
says the black man.

               'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' - the lady says.

                    'Fine, my name is Snow!' ... the  black man replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says,
                           ' I knew you would make fun of it' !!!

                    The lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name.
        I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him..
                 that I had 10 inches of Snow - every day in Jamaica.

Read More...

Puns of the Day....

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided
to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed
the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey,
and re-stuffed the turkey.
She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing.
When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out
the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed,
"Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.
It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

When the women's clothing manufacturer outsourced to China,
Each employee received a pink slip.

General Motors and Toyota are working together to build a new car model.
The new vehicle will be built in the factory that was used for the old Chevette.
It will be called the Toyolette.
It will feature bucket seats and automatic wipers.

When we were young, we had the speed of a jaguar and the ferocity of a lion.
Now, we're merely "dragon."

Grandma Levy, always a regular synagogue member had finally talked her
cousin, a woman who had lived a riotous, free life, into joining the
Temple.
"Tell me Rabbi," the old lady asked, "Do you feel that my cousin will
have her sins forgiven after all those years?"
"Yes I do. I'm positive of it. You must remember that the greater the
number of sins, the greater the glory."
"Really Rabbi?", the old lady replied thoughtfully. "I sure do wish
I'd known that fifty years ago."

As Quasimodo was taking off for the Bell Ringers Olympics, he tried to
cram the great bell of Notre Dame into the overhead compartment.
"I am sorry, said the flight attendant, "That's only for carillon luggage."

Two elderly sisters were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said,
"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Mabel answered,
"I have a suppository in my ear?"
She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said,
"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find
my hearing aid."

The patient showed up at the doctor's office and said,
"Doc--TB or not TB, that is the congestion."

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to
know each other so well, they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.
The wedding was lovely.
After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over
and said to the groom-broom,
"I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!"
"Impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!"

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island.
If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent.

Out by the Cheyenne River, an enterprising Native American founded a
business manufacturing crepe paper.
Using modern equipment and Internet Marketing techniques, he built a
reputation for quality paper printed with traditional tribal designs.
A certain gourmet in Chicago was arranging a party for an
about-to-retire friend, and, via the Internet, ordered what he thought
was going to be 25 sets of designer-pattern crepe paper.
When the shipment arrived, it turned out that the order had been
entered as 25 cases of crepe paper.
Assuming his tried-and-true restaurant demeanour, he bellowed at an assistant,
"Send this back – the crepe Sioux sets have been grossly overdone!"

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey,
We would all be having a piece of ass on Thanksgiving!

"My but you look different today Claudia." commented Rene to her co-worker.
"Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed look. What did
you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye make-up ?"
"No !" replied Claudia. "My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."

Only 2% of blondes are touch-typists,
The rest are hunt'n peckers.

I was in my local bar and I bumped into an old neighbour.
A woman who, as a fourteen year old, I would babysit for to earn a bit of cash.
I'd always had a crush on this woman and the years had been kind to
her as she still looked really fit for her age.
We shared a few drinks and she started to flirt with me and she
reminded me that I used to babysit her kids.
I suddenly remembered I used to go through her drawers, get out her
vibrator, all crusty with the odd pube stuck to it, and sniff it while
wanking myself off, thinking of her using it on herself.
I snapped back to the conversation.
"Are you still with your husband?" I asked.
She smiled, touched my arm and said,
"No. I left him when I found him, one night, wanking to gay porn with
a dildo up his ass."


Cute little 5-year old Tiffany comes home from kindergarten and says
to her mother, "Mommy, Tommy's penis is like a peanut."
Her mother, a little surprised, asks.
"Why? Is it because it's so small, darling?".
"No," answers Tiffany, "because it's so salty"

The major difference between war and peace is:
There has never been a good war.

Mary Jane was scooting up the flagpole at school.
The teacher cried out,
"Mary Jane get down! The boys can see your panties!"
Mary Jane just laughed and laughed.
She knew she wasn't wearing any.

Virginity is a bubble on the stream of life;
One prick and it's gone forever.

Our family was all together recently, just hanging around.
My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little
piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud;
"Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?"
My bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back,
"So, how come yours don't?"
To which our father from behind his newspaper and without even a
pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."

Safe sex is practiced in New Zealand by spray painting X's on the back
of the sheep that kick.

Read More...

The Priest and the Rabbi

 A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

 After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a
 requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

 The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws" The priest then
 asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

 To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
 temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

 The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

 A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still
 a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

 The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

 The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations
 of a woman?'

 The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
 my faith.'

 The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about
 five minutes.


 Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

Read More...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Puns of the Day...

Said an ape as he swung by his tail,
To his children, both female and male,
"From your offspring, my dears,
In a few million years,
May evolve a professor at Yale."

A hunter was confronted by both a bull and a lion.
He shot the lion first because he could always shoot the bull.

To celebrate Canada's Centennial year of 1967, Vancouver, British
Columbia, built a magnificent planetarium that has played to standing
room audiences since it opened. Many of its visitors are students of
secondary schools, and one school decided to produce a play wherein
the student players would enact the roles of heavenly bodies.
The teacher who had written the play, chose her cast and awarded the
roles to those who would play the Sun and the planets in the galaxies.
Shirley, devoted to astronomy, was given the part of a minor planet,
but she wanted only the key part of the Dog Star, one of the sky's
brightest stars.
Shirley tried everything.
She importuned.
She was tearful.
She ranted, and when she finally began a campaign of remarks
disparaging to the girl who did get the part.
The exasperated teacher finally stopped all her arguments, shouting,
"Shirley, you can't be Sirius!"

I once dated a model.
I'll tell you exactly how it happened. I just walked right up to her and said,
"You're like 23, right?"

I spent several years as a entertainment director on cruise ships.
In order to work on a ship you are required to attend frequent
lectures in water safety. Considerable time was devoted to what you
should do if you accidentally fall overboard.
It was recommended to us, not to panic, but to slowly remove all our
outer clothing. However, we were warned to be certain that the blouse
always is taken off last, because the air gets under the blouse and
acts like a buoy.

He is a man who has never been known to put two straight lines together.
He is truly without parallel.

I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but
our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate.
It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, cut off.
Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.
He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem.
Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had
hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.

In theory, housebreaking your dog may seem like a fine idea,
But it doesn't look good on paper.

A physicist was caught going through a red light at an intersection.
When he came before the judge he argued that he was going so fast that
the red light  blue shifted into green.
A student whom the professor had failed the term before was in the courtroom.
When the accused made this claim, the student asking to be heard,
testified that if were this true, the professor would have been
travelling far in excess of the posted speed limit. The charge was
changed from running the red light to speeding by the presiding judge.
The judge then decided to fine the physicist $1 for every mile per
hour he was going over the speed limit of 35 miles per hour.
So, the fine was approximately $130 million dollars.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says,
'You're only interested in one thing,'
And you can't remember what it is.

A man was waiting for his mail delivery.
He was expecting his weekly newsmagazine and a free sample of detergent.
In the meantime, while he was waiting, he decided to build a snowman
in front of the mailbox so he could have some fun watching the mail
truck knock it down.
But when the mail truck arrived, the mailman refused to drive over the
snowman, and told the man he'd have to wait for his mail delivery
until he took the snowman away.
"But what about my favourite newsmagazine and my free sample of
detergent that are supposed to be in today's mail?" the man asked.
"Sorry," said the mailman. "Time and Tide wait for snowman."

When the tabby cuddled on her lap,
She was feline fine.

Straight from the horse's mouth, a little bird told us that the human
race is filled with congressional hawks and doves who fight like cats
and dogs till the cows come home, and with Wall Street bulls and bears
who make a beeline for the goose that lays the golden egg.

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to
the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a
diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 am. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2am.
The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5am., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm
was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
"I can't remember, exactly. Peter Peter, something or other...."

"How long have you been suffering from premature ejaculation?" asked
the doctor of his young patient.
"Ever since I was just a little squirt."

A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of finding joy
in unusual activities. "Even the most natural and common actions can
provide an immense amount of pleasure. For example, a good bowel
movement can be as enjoyable as making love."
A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when acknowledged.
"Professor," he says, "either you don't know how to fornicate, or I
don't know how to shit!"

Rumba:
An asset to music.

This is a fairy tale:
Once upon a time, there was a rich and handsome king.
He sent fliers throughout his kingdom promising that whoever brought
him the head of the fearsome dragon that was terrorizing the
countryside could have all of his wealth or the hand of his lovely
daughter in marriage.
Of course, all the able-bodied men in the kingdom went off in pursuit.
Three days later a fellow arrived at the palace door bearing the
bloody head of the dragon.
"Well done," exclaimed the king. "You may have my beautiful daughter's hand."
"Thanks, but I don't want your daughter," said the man.
"I see. Come with me to empty out the treasury," offered the king.
"Thanks, but I don't want your money either. I want YOU, sweetie!"
So, they lived happily ever after.
See, I told you it was a fairy tale.

A fellow dies, goes to Hell, and is surprised when confronted by a
room full of beautiful blondes and kegs of beer.
He asks a nearby demon if this is really Hell, and what was so bad
about the place.
"Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes in the bottoms, and
the blondes don't!"

95% of all people have haemorrhoids.
The other 5% are perfect assholes!

My wife isn't speaking to me.
Yesterday at breakfast she was reading the sale brochures, and knowing
it's approaching dove season, and I might need shells, and seeing that
Dick's Sporting Goods had a sale, she incautiously asked,
"Do you want to look at Dick's?"
And I even more incautiously replied,
"Honey, you of all people know I'm straight."

Have you heard of the new line of tampax with bells and tinsel?
It's for the Christmas period.

A woman's husband always lets her know when he's not getting enough.
The other night when their boys were being particularly rambunctious,
and groping each other, she yelled at them
"In this house, we don't touch each other's privates."
To which her husband replied,
"No kidding."

Dancing:
A navel engagement with no discharge of seamen.

Read More...

Sunday, November 14, 2010

X - Doctor's Advice

A man asks his doctor, "Can I have sex with my pregnant wife?"

The doctor replies, "Yes, the first 3 months will be just like normal,
the next three months you should do it like a dog,
and the last three months you should do it like a tiger."

The man replies, "Tiger?"

The doctor explains, " Like Tiger Woods…….. Sleep with other women.

Read More...

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Revenge

*Leo Rosten, the great Jewish writer and authority on Jewish humor, listed

 as one of the characteristics of Jewish humor, revenge over the oppressor by

 the use of guile or circumstance. This is such a story:

 Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large,

 trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down

 in one swig and menacingly says, "Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about

 it?" Moshe burst into tears.

  "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to

 see a man crying. What's your problem?"

  "This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I

 was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot,

 I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my

 wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and

 then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put

 an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the

 poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing.

  "But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Read More...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Puns of the Day...

To identify dogs, we agree
That a strap 'round the neck is the key.
Has the owner's last name;
The phone number of same.
This technique is named "collar ID."


The orchestra was preparing to perform their annual benefit but the
orchestra leader was nowhere to be found.
They delayed as long as possible and finally decided to make due with
what they had. First, they gave the baton to a fireman that happened
to be at the concert hall and told him to lead.
Alas, he had no rhythm and the orchestra fell into disarray.
Then, a doctor in the audience volunteered to give it a try, but he
didn't have a feel for the dynamics and the music sounded too
mechanical.
Finally, a police officer saved the day.
He took the baton and led the orchestra in, according to many in
attendance, the best performance they could remember for years back.
Of course, it should have been obvious that the copper was the best conductor.

It is my impression that abortion of our population has some missed
conceptions about birth control.

Everyone knows that auctions speak louder than words, but you must be
careful when you attend.
The guy in charge can hear you bid even if you don't speak.
I guess it's one place where you can still get something for nodding.
Of course, you will have to stay to the bidder end.

A new household cleaner is just on the market called "Bachelor."
It works fast, and leaves no ring.

His wife was in labour with their first child.
Things were going pretty well when suddenly, she began to shout,
"Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Can't!"
Panicked, the husband phoned their doctor and told him what was happening.
"Doctor, this is Mr. Smith, and my wife is acting very strangely! She
just started calling out 'Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Can't!', over
and over again, with an occasional Isn't! And Won't! Thrown in. What's
going on!? Should I be worried? What should I do? Just what is wrong
with my wife!" he cried.
"Not to worry." said the doctor. "Get her to the hospital, I'll meet you there."
"But what is it?" queried the husband.
"Nothing out of the ordinary," assured the doctor. "It's perfectly and
just part of her pregnancy. She's just having contractions, that's
all!"

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred,
She will never turn into an old nag.

A blond fellow is driving along the road when he sees a sign on a plot
of land that reads "40 acres for sale" and lists a phone number and in
big bold letters the words "WILL DIVIDE."
The man had been considering buying a bit of land for investment purposes.
So, he calls the number and when a lady picks up, he asks her,
"Is Mr. Divide in?"

Brassiere:
A device to bring out a girl's best points.

After being married 25 years, I took a look at my wife and said,
"Honey, do you realize that 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a
cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white
TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now,
we have a nice house, Nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV. But I'm
sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not
holding up your side of things,"
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman...
She told me to go find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make
sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a
cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.
I shut up and took out the trash.
Aren't older woman great?
They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!

The Lonely Hearts Club chapter for the visually impaired arranges blind dates.

Earl Grey, the community in England where all the tea comes from had a
woman Mayor for over 50 years, but the last few years she was very
arthritic.
To which the residents would complain,
"The Earl Grey Mayor, she ain't what she used to be."

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorous abbot.
"Although it's more fun,
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"

I met a woman who was willin'
Now I'm takin' penicillin.

A lady goes to the gynaecologist but won't tell the receptionist
what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor.
After hours of waiting the doctor sees her in.
"Ok, my good woman what is your problem?" the doctor asks.
"Well," she says, "My husband is a very compulsive gambler and every
nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. So, I had five hundred
dollars and I stuffed it in my vagina but now I can't get it out."
The doctor says,
"Don't be nervous, I see this happen all the time."
He asks her to pull down her underwear, sits her down with her legs
wide open, puts his gloves on and says:
"I only have one question. What am I looking for, bills or loose change?"

Jack Frost:
The indisposition that occurs to men who masturbate outdoors in
sub-freezing weather.

To alleviate my public speaking phobia, my speech instructor suggested
I envision the audience naked.
Though it initially seemed to work, I soon realized it was replaced
with a new phobia: the fear of getting wood in front of my co-workers
during a staff meeting.

An ingenious call girl found a better-paying position.

Johnny and his pal Billy were walking in the park when they passed
three ladies eating bananas on a bench.
"Howdy ladies," Johnny said as he passed three women.
"Do you know them?" Billy asked.
"No," Johnny replied, "I've never met the nun, the prostitute or the
bride we just passed." "How in the world did you know all that about
them ladies?" asked Billy.
"That's easy. The nun ate the banana by holding it one hand and used
the fingers of the other hand to properly break the banana into small
pieces."
"The prostitute," he continued, "grabbed the banana with both hands
and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"That's pretty impressive!" Billy exclaimed.
"But how did you know the third was a newlywed?"
"Oh, that was the easiest," explained Johnny, "She was the one who
held the banana with one hand and pushed her head toward it with the
other."

The unfortunate voyeur was apprehended at the peek of his career.

Two Viagra pills walk into a bar and sit next to two marijuana plants.
The marijuana plants are lamenting about being illegal.
The Viagra pills scoff at them.
One marijuana plant turns to the Viagra pills and asks,
"Don't you think we should be legal?"
"No," said the Viagra pills, "we are hard on drugs."

Did you hear about the man who had eight vasectomies?
His wife kept getting pregnant.

The lanky Texas ranch hand was still a virgin at twenty-one.
So, on his first trip to the big city, he decided to visit a brothel
and find out what he'd been missing.
Upon securing the address of a rather exclusive establishment, he soon
found himself lying in bed with an attractive partner.
Sensing the lad was somewhat inexperienced, the professional gently
took his hand and placed it on the source of her income.
"Is this what you're looking for?" she whispered seductively.
"Well, I don't rightly know, ma'am," the cowboy murmured shyly. "I'm a
stranger to these parts."

A blonde I know gets a grand and glorious feeling whenever a man makes
love to her,
But the grand always comes first.

An Indian chief traded in his forty-year-old squaw for two twenty-year-olds?
A couple of weeks later a couple of fellow braves saw him back with
his forty-year-old squaw.
They asked him,
"What happened to your two twenty-year-olds?"
The Chief replied,
"Me no wired for 220!"

Read More...

SUPERB SENTENCES BY FAMOUS PEOPLE

A Wish will not change anything but a Decision will change everything.
I may not be the Best, but Better than the Rest.
I would rather have One Rose and a kind Word from a friend while I am here
than a Truck Load when I am gone.

Shakespeare.....
"Never  Play With The Feelings Of Others Because You May Win The Game
But The Risk Is  That You Will Surely Lose The Person For Life Time".

Napoleon........
"The  world suffers a lot. Not because of the violence of bad people,
But because  of the silence of good people!"

Einstein.........
"I  am thankful to all those who said NO to me
Its Because of them I did it  myself.."

Abraham  Lincoln.........
"If  friendship is your weakest point then you are the strongest person
in the  world"

Shakespeare..........
"Laughing  Faces Do Not Mean That There Is Absence Of Sorrow!
But It Means That They  Have The Ability To Deal With It".

William  Arthur.........
"Opportunities  Are Like Sunrises, If You Wait Too Long You Can Miss Them".

Hitler.....
"When  You Are In The Light, Everything Follows You,
But When You Enter Into The  Dark, Even Your Own Shadow Doesn't Follow You."

Shakespeare.............
"Coin  Always Makes Sound But The Currency Notes Are Always Silent.
So When Your  Value Increases Keep Yourself Calm Silent"

Dr  Abdul kalaam........
"It  Is Very Easy To Defeat Someone, But It Is Very Hard To Win Someone"

Read More...

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Change is inevitable,
Except from a vending machine.


Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a
90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill,
in the fog.

The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left
by those who got there first.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12
people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Read More...

Thinking exercises

Test yourself with these.

The solutions are at the bottom of the page.

Don't be lazy.

Try hard to figure these out before you peek!

1. There is a man who lives on the top floor of a very tall building.
Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the
building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only
travel half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way
unless it's raining! Why?

[This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral
thinking puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many
possible solutions which fit the initial conditions, only the
canonical answer is truly satisfying.]

2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the
scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the
surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How can
this be?

3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, coat, gloves
and ski mask. He is walking down a back street with all the street
lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but
somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?

4. One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older
twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How?

5. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?
This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good puzzle that can
be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly used by a
very well-known software company as an interview question for
prospective employees.

6.. A man went to a party and drank some of the punch. He then left
early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently
died of poisoning.. Why did the man not die?

7. A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of other people
there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the age of
21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He saw
a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did
he know?

8. A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day
of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?

9. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water.
The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says
'Thank you' and walks out. This puzzle claims to be the best of the
genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and yet with
a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard to
solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the
satisfaction of figuring it out.

10. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three
rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of
assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that
haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?

11. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for
over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both
go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this
be?

12. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put
all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any
dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

13. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when
you throw it away?

14. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday? (or
day names in any other language)

15. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find
out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think
nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is
unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not
find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.

The solutions are below....

Don't be lazy.

Try hard to figure these out before you look!

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Solutions:

1. The man is very, very short and can only reach halfway up the
elevator buttons. However, if it is raining then he will have his
umbrella with him and can press the higher buttons with it.

2. The surgeon was his mother.

3. It was day time.

4. At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was
traveling by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on
March 1st. The boat then crossed a time zone and Kerry, the younger
twin, was born on February the 28th. Therefore, the younger twin
celebrates her birthday two days before her older brother.

5. A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal
of the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So
for safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

6. The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank
the punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning
the punch.

7. He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels.
Because they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical
cords and therefore they never had navels. This one seems perfectly
logical but it can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments. (Just
what a HUMOR list needs!!)

8. They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets, etc.). This
puzzle stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving
test-tube babies or surrogate mothers.. Why does the brain search for
complex solutions when there is a much simpler one available?

9. The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and
drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the
hiccups--so the man no longer needed the water. The is a simple puzzle
to state but a difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a
seemingly irrational and incongruous situation having a simple and
complete explanation. Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in
different cultures and languages.

10. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead!

11. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband,
developed it, and hung it up to dry.

12. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in
the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

13. The answer is Charcoal.

14. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!

15.. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English
language, does not appear even once in the long paragraph..!!!

Read More...

DID YOU KINOW ?

Letters 'a', 'b', 'c' & 'd'  do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 99


(Letter 'd' comes for the first time in hundred)

Letters 'a', 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999


(Letter 'a' comes for the first time in thousand)

Letters 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999,999,999


(Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion)

And

Letter 'c' does not appear anywhere in in the spellings of the entire English

 counting.

Read More...

XXX - Adult Puns!

The Cabin Boy, the Captain's Joy;
A cunning little nipper.
They filled his xxx
With broken glass
And circumcised the Skipper.

As the high school teacher was correcting essays and read,
"Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."
She wrote at the bottom of the page,
"You obviously have problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the
ground. A burro is an ass. At your age, if you don't know your ass
from a hole in the ground, you're gonna be in big trouble!"

Taxidermist:
A man who mounts animals.

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an
unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their
building that read:
"Our Staff will stuff your Stiff."
Not to be outdone, the madam across the street had her girls respond
with a banner too: "Our Stuff will stiff your Staff."

Hooker:
"I'm not selling sex, officer. I'm selling condoms with a free demonstration"

Mr. Johnson goes to see a psychiatrist to complain about his oversexed wife.
Mr. Johnson confides to the shrink,
"Mrs. Johnson will stop at nothing to satisfy her lustful, kinky
desires and bottomless sexual cravings. What can I do?"
The psychiatrist says,
"Please tell Mrs. Johnson I'd like her to make an appointment with me
immediately."

When two lesbians make love.
It doesn't mean dick.

The managers of the A1 Steak Sauce company were impressed by their new
billboard.
It showed a handsome-husband-type seated in front of a large plate of
steak and potatoes in a smart restaurant.
A pretty, buxom young waitress was standing over him, handing him a
bottle of A1. Originally, they had titled the billboard,
"What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don't?"
But after complaints from members of the board, that the ad was too
suggestive, they changed the headline.
Now it reads:
"He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?"

Some guys call theirs Dick or Peter, John Thomas or Willie.
I don't have to call mine anything,
It usually comes without being called.

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with
his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she
said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till
noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

The three stages of sex in marriage:
Tri-weekly;
Try-weekly;
Try-weakly.

It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner.
"When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see,
and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye.
Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the
car, she unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I
still didn't even know her name."
"So what did you do?" asked the other cop.
"Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask
questions afterward."

Read More...

Monday, November 08, 2010

Puns of the Day...

Excuses:
"Marianne was absent November 11-6, because she had a fever, sore
throat, headache, and upset stomach.
Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat.
Her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over.
I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.
There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."

Chivalry:
A mans inclination to defend a woman against every man but himself.

In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for
his sermons, so much so that everyone in the community came every
Shabbat.
Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his
nephew's bar mitzvah.
But he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon.
So, he decided to hire a Shabbas goy to sit in the congregation and
tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned.
Other congregants saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire
Shabbas goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of
going to shul.
Within a few weeks' time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul
taping the rabbi.
The rabbi got wise to this.
The following Shabbas he, too, hired a Shabbas goy who brought a tape
recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the
congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.
Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of
artificial insermonation.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

Then there was the young female comic who was promised good roles in a
hit TV show. All she had to do was divide her favours between the star
and the producer.
It was just a sham though, she never got any air time at all.
You might even say she was shared skit less.

A one-legged monk became a bell-hop.

I was tempted to invest in butter substitute shares, using my existing
account as security for my purchase.
However, my stockbroker warned me that it's very risky to buy on margerine. (
Nylons give women a run for their money?

The Iranians and the Kurds were having it out again, warring.
The Kurds were advancing pretty rapidly, and the Iranians wanted to
know how to stop them.
They consulted their Imam, who asked how many Kurds there were.
When told that there were 750,000 Kurds on the front, the Imam said to
amass 375,000 bones and erect a shrine to God with them; that that
would stop the Kurds dead in their tracks -- paralyze them, in fact.
When asked why, he replied,
"That way, we still two Kurds with one bone."

My friend Max hates going up steep hills.
He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new
drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a
convent?
The FDA refused to license it, though.
Seems it was habit-forming.

You must learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.

On a visit to my wife's native England for our honeymoon, we arrived
at London's Gatwick Airport.
Tania headed for the British passport control line while I, an
American, waited in the foreigners' line.
When my turn came, the customs officer asked me the purpose of my visit.
"Pleasure," I replied. "I'm on my honeymoon."
The officer looked first to one side of me, then the other.
"That's very interesting, sir," he said as he stamped my passport.
"Most men bring their wives with them."

Headline:
Four Time Looser Takes The Fifth

California vintners in the Napa Valley area that primarily produces
the Pinot's have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an
anti-diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has
to make to the bathroom during the night.
They will be marketing the new wine as Pinot More.

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

Some are crude..do not read if you are a prude..


When a corpulent spinster named Snow
Was approached by a dwarf for a blow,
She replied, "I have pride!
Your request is denied!
I could never, sir, stoop quite that low!"

The trial on pornography ended with a hung jury.

One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin.
Immediately, realising his intentions she says,
"Not tonight darling. I have an appointment with the gynaecologist
tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."
Dejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to get to sleep.
A few minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.
"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

Confucius says man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

Two married friends are out drinking…
One says to the other:
"I can never sneak into the house after I've been drinking. I've tried
everything. I turn the headlights off before I go up the drive. I shut
off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off and
creep upstairs. I get undressed in the bathroom. I do everything, but
then my wife still wakes up and yells at me for staying out late."
His friend replies:
"Do what I do. I screech into the driveway, slam the front door, storm
up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap my
wife's bottom and say,
"How about a blow job?"
She always pretends she's asleep."

Two old dears having a coffee, one asks the other,
"Did you come on the bus?"
"Yes," she replies, "but I made it look like an asthma attack."

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "what makes them so special?"
"There are three colours," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds wryly,
"Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!

Peter pan:
A wash basin in a whorehouse.

I was talking to a friend of mine, and he told me that he's been
married a little over four years and was celebrating his 'Wooden'
anniversary.
I asked what a 'wooden' anniversary was.
He said,
"I asked her to give me a blow job and she wooden.


"It really is true," exclaimed the satisfied young woman to the man
lying beside her.
"Nice guys finish last!"

An innocent young man went into a strip club for the first time.
Not wanting to watch the show alone, he sat down next to an older gentleman.
"Come here often?" he asked.
"Not really," he replied.  "I usually wait until I get home."

Read More...

Saturday, November 06, 2010

A Mobile Number Nomenclature

A newly married husband saved his wife's mobile number on his mobile
as "My life"


After one year of marriage he changed the number to "My Wife"

After 2 years of marriage he changed the number to "Home"

After 5 years of marriage he changed the number to "Hitler"

After 10 years of marriage he changed the number to "Wrong Number"

Read More...

Friday, November 05, 2010

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET
COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE
OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE
TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX
IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS
PURPOSE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Read More...

Thursday, November 04, 2010

New Words From Old ...

The Washington Post asked readers to create a new word by dropping the
first letter of an existing word.

The following were some of the winning entries:

Amished:
Hungering for a simpler way of life.

Ammogram:
A loaded message.

Iarrhea:
Running on about oneself.

Ickpocket:
A place to put your used Kleenex.

Idwife:
Every guy's dream.

Oreplay:
Laying the groundwork for entering the mineshaft.

Ouch-and-go:
A dominatrix's house call.

Oxtrot:
A particularly ungraceful "Dancing With the Stars" performance.

Riminal:
A man who doesn't clean up his toilet dribble.

Riskies:
Chinese-made cat food.

Unich:
German city voted World's Safest Town for Women.

Urple:
The colour of vomit.

 

Read More...

Puns of the Day...

Obese supervisor named Kent
One day to a fat farm was sent.
Situation was dire;
Round his waist, huge spare tire.
He struggled with middle management.

Excuses:
"Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."

Here's a true story:
Beth, a high school English teacher in Maine, lived with her friend
Sam, an intelligent golden retriever.
One day, Beth's mother was riding in the back seat of the car with
Sam, who insisted on leaning on Mother.
Mother told Sam to
"Lay down and behave."
No action.
Mother repeated,
"Lay down, Sam."
Still no response.
Then, Beth commanded,
"Lie down, Sam," and down the dog went.
He was, after all, the companion of an English teacher.

It's so simple to be wise.
Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
An English major was being released from prison.
The nice looking female clerk was about to give him the $100.00 they
give to all released prisoners.
Since the inmate had not had female attention for a long time, he
suggested that she could keep the money if she would have sex with
him.
He was immediately re arrested and thrown back into jail.
Everybody knows you should never end a sentence with a proposition.

Headline:
Dr. Ruth To Talk About Sex With Newspaper Editors

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their
favourite Old Testament bible story.
As she moved around the class, she saw many wonderful drawings being created.
Then, she came to Paul, who had drawn a bearded old man driving an old car.
In the back seat were two passengers, both naked.
The teacher said,
"It's an interesting picture, Paul, but which Bible story does it tell?"
Paul seemed surprised at the question and said,
"Well, it says in the bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the
Garden of Eden in a Fury. And that is a '59 Plymouth Fury just like
grandpa's!"

Dungeons and Dragons is just a load of Saxon violence.

The story concerns a butcher who went into a pet shop.
It seems he fell in love with one the seagulls in the shop.
Alas, he had no money to spend, but the shop owner agreed to give him
the bird in exchange for some of his delicious German sausage.
The deal was made.
It seems he took a tern for the wurst!

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business
can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home.
The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink
waiting at precisely 5:03 P. M.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender
was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.
Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts
and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took
one sip of the drink and exclaimed,
"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

Horse Show -
A lot of horses showing their asses to a lot of horses' asses showing
their horses.

Even though it was warm outside, the heat was on full blast in my
office at the hospital.
I asked our nursing unit secretary to get someone to fix it.
This was a one-man job, so I could not figure out why two guys showed
up -- until I was handed the maintenance request form.
It read
"Head nurse is hot."

Read More...

XX - Adult Puns!

A Jewish woman says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Jeff! All he wants is sex, and my privates is now the
size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a
nickel."
Her mother says,
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8
bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance,
you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over
45 cents?"

A KISS -
1. Upper persuasion for lower invasion;
2. Upstairs shopping for downstairs merchandise.

"Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get
married next week!" The bride-to-be was ecstatic.
"Gee, honey, don't you think you two should wait till he's been
practicing for a year or so," cautioned her mother?
"Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been practicing for a long time."

I hate sex in the movies.
I tried it once.
The seat folded up, the drink spilled, there was popcorn all over the
floor and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

An old man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two
college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with
each of them three times!"
"Are you sorry for your sins?'
"What sins?"
"What kind of a Catholic are you?"
"I'm not a Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Then why are you telling me all this?"
"I'm telling everybody!"

A herd of masturbating bulls are called:
"Beef strokin' off."

Nina completed four weeks of dental restoration with her dentist.
She confided to her best friend Rosey that she had fallen in love with
her dentist and she was going to propose to him.
Rosey said,
"Nina, you're young, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that
adore you. Why is this dentist THE man for you?"
"Because," explained Nina, "he is the first man that ever said to me,
'SPIT, don't SWALLOW'."

While on a date in a dark movie theatre, Mary Jane's date slipped his
hand down her bra. Mary Jane just laughed and laughed.
She knew she kept her money hidden in her shoe.

The two ladies were discussing a news article concerning gasoline
fumes causing impotence in the male.
"Aren't you worried about your husband's new job at the gas station?
Those fumes could cause him to lose the lead in his pencil."
"Doesn't matter." giggled the other lady. "He doesn't do all my writing anyway."

The doctor said to the nervous patient about to have a circumcision done,
"It won't be long now!"

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out, there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring
mother and her 5-year-old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could
see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so.
The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the
newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to
take his first breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
The little boy responded:
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again."

Read More...

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

XX - Adult Puns!

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided
to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot.
So, the next morning he walked in and said,
"Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of
whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

A blonde and a brunette were standing in an elevator.
A man with dandruff walked in.
The brunette said,
"Somebody needs to give him some Head & Shoulders."
The blonde asked,
"How do you give shoulders?"

The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little
negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says,
"Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and replies,
"Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
"That's right." she replied. "And do you remember what you said to me
that night?"
He nods and says,
"Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?"
"Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I'm going to suck
the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!"
She giggles,
"Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said. Now it's 50 years
later and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have
to say tonight?"
He looks her up and down and says,
"Mission accomplished."

A blonde in English class was asked to use "Handsome" in a sentence.
The blonde replied,
"When I'm giving head and my jaw gets sore, I use my handsome."

Little Johnny and his friends were talking about condoms in school one day.
Basically, he knew where they were used and their purpose, but not
much more than that. So, he decided to go to a local drug store to buy
a few in order to learn more about them. As to not waste too much
time, he asked the pharmacist if he had any condoms for sale. The
pharmacist replied,
"Why yes, we have them three for a dollar."
Johnny replied,
"I'll take three then."
When the pharmacist tallied the amount the register, the total came to
one-dollar and six cents.
Johnny said,
"Wait a minute, what's the six cents for, I thought you told me they
were three for a dollar." The pharmacist replied,
"That's the tax we put on them."
Little Johnny said,
"Oh, I thought they stayed on by themselves."

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