Recent Quips from Late Night
"Joint Chiefs of Staff [Chair] Peter Pace is leaving his job. He's the
one who announced that all homosexual acts are immoral, and so is
adultery. No wonder he left. He attacked all the members of Congress."
--Jay Leno
"Paris Hilton is behind bars, but still no word on Osama." --David Letterman
"By a vote of 93-5, the Louisiana state House has voted to make it
illegal for teachers to have sex with their students. Here's my
question: Who are the five people who voted for it?" --Jay Leno
"Yesterday at the G8 Summit, Russian President Vladimir Putin offered
to let President Bush build a missile defense system in Azerbaijan.
There was an awkward moment when Bush said, 'I believe the correct
pronunciation is Abracadabra.'" --Conan O'Brien
"There seems to be tension between President Bush and Russian
President Vladimir Putin. Again, President Bush thinks this is good.
He thinks a new Cold War could help end global warming." --Jay Leno
"There's a new rumor that Senator Hillary Clinton recently had some
plastic surgery done. Friends of Hillary deny the rumor and say,
'Believe it or not, that's her natural forced smile.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The Democratic congressman from Louisiana, William Jefferson -- you
know, the guy who was caught with $90,000 in his freezer -- has been
indicted on 16 corruption charges. That's William Jefferson. Now don't
confuse him with his wife, Weezy." --Jay Leno
"Undaunted by the protesters, the leaders focused on finding consensus
over global warming. And by 'consensus,' we mean getting Bush to agree
with the other seven." --Jon Stewart, on the G8 Summit.
A FEW LAUGHS.
A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she
was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for
a good number. "Why don't you play your age?" he suggested. The woman
agreed, and then put her money on the table.
The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and
fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. "Did she win?" he asked.
"No" replied the attendant. "She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in."
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at
a stop sign.
Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:
"Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
The guy in the Rolls says,
"Yes, of course I do."
"I got one too... See?"
"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."
Then, the man in the Granada says,
"You got a fax machine?"
"Why, actually, yes, I do."
"I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh."
The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says,
"So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?"
And the guy in the Rolls says,
"NO! Do you?"
"Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!"
The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped.
So. He goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a
double bed in back of his car.
About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car
and drives all over town looking for the Granada.
He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up
next to it.
The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little
awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps
on the foggy window of the Granada.
The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.
The guy in the Rolls says,
"Hey. Remember me?"
"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"
"Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."
And the man in the Granada says,
"YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?
Are caterpillars good to eat?
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
Too much analysis.
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall.
One turned to the other and said, "Hello."
The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
