ADULT PUNS.

Tim is downstairs watching TV.
His wife, Linda went to bed early.
After a couple hours, a loud scream is heard coming from the bedroom.
The husband runs upstairs.
He sees a naked guy leap out the window.
His wife yells,
"That guy just screwed me twice!"
He says,
"Twice? Why didn't you call me in after he screwed you once?"
She says,
"I thought it was just you -- until he started screwing me the second time.

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, and he said,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has
everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so
I'm stumped."
His buddy said,
"I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can
have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably
be thrilled."
So, the fellow did.
The next day his buddy said,
"Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," said the fellow.
"Did she like it?"
His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran
out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'"

The husband and wife were undressing one night when she said,
"Joyce and Mary were talking about their husbands' anatomy today.
Joyce said that her husband filled out his shorts so well that they
hired him to model Jockey Shorts."
Her husband said,
"So?"
"Then Mary said her husband got so long and hard that they hired him
to model condoms."
"I hope you stood up for me," he said.
"I did," his wife replied." I told them you could be a model, too."
"Thank you."
"If," she went on, "anybody needed a model for a cocktail wiener."

Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when
the first one says:
"My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."
The other replies,
"Yeah, most men do. What did you Tell him?"
I said,
"If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?

The wife appeared before the judge and said,
"I want a divorce from that jerk over there."
The judge said,
"Why do you want the divorce?"
"Because he's a terrible lover."
The judge asked,
"How long have you
Been married?"
"Fourteen years," she replied.
"I don't understand. Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce your
husband for being a terrible lover?" She said,
"Because, your Honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my
house last week, I didn't know."

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said,
"Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said,
"You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft
for the rest of the night."

THE PUNS

They're making a new XXX movie about an anorexic Irish prostitute who
hops from bed to bed.
Her name's Tramp O'Lean.

One Gay Greek says to another,
"Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!"

They just came out with a study that says talking on a cell phone
while driving is not distracting.
Man, they aren't talking to same 900 number I am. More often than not,
I end up steering with my knees.

The sculptor and one of his students went out for coffee after class.
"You have the most delicate, slender hands," said the student, a
rather gorgeous young thing.
"Forgive me for saying it, but they belong on a woman."
Not only did he forgive her, he obliged.

Scientists have discovered that most women will at some time have some
intelligent DNA. Unfortunately 95% will spit it out.

"I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the
dimly lit restaurant.
"You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your night can be on me."

What's the difference between light and hard?
1) It's light all day.
2) You can sleep with a light on.

What's the difference between a screwdriver and Bill Clinton?
A screwdriver turns in screws

How can you tell when a man is dead?
He stays stiff for more than two minutes.

OTHER HUMOR

She does not GET YOU EXCITED OR TURNED ON -- She causes TEMPORARY
BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She was only a Electrician' s daughter, but the hotter she got, the
lower her resistance.