Assorted Jokes.

Female Joke.

A man escapes from a prison and breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top
of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's
probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain... Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets
angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me
that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I
told him it was in the bathroom. I love you, too!"

Lawyer Joke.

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of
ten million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf.
That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he
might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing
$10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back:
"I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather:
"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says,
"Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper:
"He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back:
"OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the
shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney:
"Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies:
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?

Miscellaneous Joke.

A Texas gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
attractive woman.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
"This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her
and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the Texan decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to
return this to the woman.

It read:
"For your information, I have:
A Ferrari Maranello,
A BMW Z8, and a Mercedes CL600,
A Porsche Turbo,
Toyota Prius and Matrix, in my garage,
Beautiful homes in Aspen , Colorado and Miami
And a 10,000 acre ranch in Texas
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off.
Just send the bottle back!!!