A secretary got an expensive PEN as birthday gift from her boss.
She sent her boss a 'Thank You' note via SMS.
The wife read the text and angrily shows her husband the message:
"Your penis wonderful, I enjoyed using it last night. Thanks":p.
Moral:- Space is essential in every successful married life!
'A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other
excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand!" '
In days of old
When knights were bold
And no one was particular,
They lined them all
Against the wall
And f*cked them perpendicular!
Brutus:
"How many women did you have oral sex with last night, Caesar?"
Caesar:
"Et TU, Brutus."
The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted
sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there.
Type in:
'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'
And the computer will say,
'Specify type of goat.'"
Another name for pickled bread is;
Dill-dough.
A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks
for a white dress.
"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three
times already."
"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride.
"Impossible", says the sales clerk.
"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a
psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a
gynaecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a
stamp collector. God I miss him"
Macho:
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Two Swedish sisters go into a photo place to get their picture taken.
Not being very educated, they question each other on what the photographer
is doing.
When he goes under the black cloth, one sister turns to the other and asks:
"Vots he goink to do?"
Her sister answers,
"He's going to focus!"
The second cries,
"Both of us?"
Pick up Lines:
I lost my teddy bear.
Will you sleep with me?
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep
asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.
Mom said:
"You should say 'No!' They only want to look at your undies."
Susie said:
"I know they do, that's why I take them off first and hide them in my
backpack."
Once a king, always a king,
But
Once a knight's enough.
Life is like a Dick :—
Simple,
Straight,
Relaxed and Hanging Freely,
It's the Women who make it Hard.....
This is the story of the bee
Whose sex is very hard to see.
You cannot tell a he from she,
But he can tell, and so can she.
The little bee is never still,
So has no time to take the pill-
And that is why in times like these
There are so many sons of bees.
Better to fart and bear the shame,
Than Not to fart and bear the pain.
A policeman pulls over a lady that is driving past the speed limit. He asks
the lady,
"Do you know why I pulled you over?"
She replies,
"Because you want to sell me tickets to the policemen's ball?"
He says,
"No we don't have balls"
She says with raised eyebrows and she stares down at the family jewels,
"Oh, really!!??"
He blushes and lets her go.
It seems female inmates in New Jersey are answering the phones and staffing
the state's tourist hotline. They get 58 cents an hour when people call and
they tell people what to visit in New Jersey.
And, for $2.99 a minute, they'll tell you what they're going to do to you
when you get there.
Pick up Lines:
"Do you sleep on your stomach?"
"NO!"
"Can I?"
An attractive young medical student was having coffee with her girlfriend
and complaining about her fiancee's extraordinary sexual appetite.
"I barely have the strength to come to work in the morning," she murmured.
"And now that he's on his vacation, things will probably be even more
intense when he gets back."
"How long is he off?"
The assistant inquired.
"It varies," she replied. "But usually it's just long enough to smoke a
cigarette."
My first wife was a schoolteacher.
She didn't call it 'premature ejaculation.'
She called it 'an Incomplete'.
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for
women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it -
let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do
it.
Rumour has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can
be a real bitch to start in the morning!
Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it,
you can't get it to turn over. New models are initially fun to own, but very
costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.
Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but
eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight
typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say
that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status.
Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year.
"Balls!" said the queen. "If I had them, I'd be king!"
A man walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he noticed about her was her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism zipper,
buttons or Velcro for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her
hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me, miss," he asked, "but how do you get into your pants?"
"Well," she replied, "it would help if you can start out by buying me a
drink."
Among the many reasons why older women are the best lovers is that:
They don't smell,
They don't yell,
They don't tell,
They don't swell- and
They're grateful as hell!
There once was a rug-weaver from Karthoum,
Who used to carry young boys to his room.
In the height of his fever,
This Suitenese weaver.
Is what we call a fruit-of-the-loom.
Pick up Lines:
Call me Fred Flintstone,
Because I'll make your Bedrock.
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow
goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says,
"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies,
"If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."
A teacher said to her little student Susie,
"Punctuate the following sentence:
Fun fun fun worry worry worry."
Little Susie thought for a moment and began her reply,
"Let's see, 'Fun period. Fun period. Fun no period. Worry, worry, worry!'"
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said,
"I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook,
"The trucker out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of
headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place
is . .. An auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices
of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde.
She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans
and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked,
"What are the bean s for, Blondie?
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
head lights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
Vibrator:
Device used by an expectant mother during pregnancy which makes the
baby stutter when it starts to talk.
Finally, having scraped enough money together for a trip to the
Bahamas, Todd arrived, only to learn that the hotel at which he wanted
to stay, the St. Regis, charged $200 a day.
Although that included a continental breakfast, the pool and free
golf, he simply couldn't afford that much money.
Dragging his gear around town, he finally found a hotel every bit as
nice, but it only cost $50 a day.
Settling in, he decided to get in a few rounds of golf before sunset.
Bringing his clubs to the hotel course, he went to buy a three-pack of
balls from the pro shop.
"That will be $100," said the man behind the counter.
"What?" screamed Todd. "That is outrageous! They're free at the St. Regis!"
"Yes," said the man, "but at the St. Regis they get you by the rooms.
We get you by the balls!"
What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
An officer was called to the scene to investigate an indecent exposure
complaint by an angry woman at a local bar.
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, sergeant," the man said to the
policeman. "you see, this woman and I were drinking at the bar and she
asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."
It didn't take long for the feminists in the office to get up in arms
about the notice posted in the executive lounge:
"Any vice-president whose secretary is ill or on vacation may take
advantage of the girls who work the reception desk.
A little boy walks in on mommy and daddy having sex.
He asks,
"What are you doing?"
Mom responds,
"I am letting the air out of daddy's stomach."
The boy replies,
"Why mommy! When you leave, the neighbour girl comes over and blows it
right back up!"
If my body was a car, I would definitely be trading it in for a newer model
I've got bumps, dents, scratches & my paint job is splattered with
varicose veins
My headlights are out of focus. My traction is not as graceful as it once was
My head cloth is now grey. My gearbox is just about seized up
It takes me hours to reach maximum speed. I overheat for no reason
But worst of all is every time I sneeze, cough or laugh either my
radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires..!
My wife told me she'd like to be completely pampered for Valentine's
Day, and I'll do my best to oblige.
I only hope she's okay with the fact that in her size, I could only
find Depends.
Ladies of the Evening have their share of the currently fashionable
neuroses just like everyone else.
But they have one complaint about psychiatrists that the rest of us do
not share.
One such lady of the night puts it this way:
"This is the only guy I know who tells me to lay down on a couch and
then sends me a bill."
Women don't like basketball players as lovers
Because
They always dribble before they shoot.
In his attempt to put a new patient at ease during a checkup, my
friend, a gynaecologist, struck up a casual conversation.
After noticing the label on her sandals read,
"Hecho en Mexico," he asked his patient, "So, when were you in Mexico?"
Flabbergasted, the patient asked,
"You can tell all that from a pelvic exam?"
Sex is like air.
It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
The difference between a man and a condom is:
Condoms have changed.
They're no longer thick and insensitive.
A survey found that 58% people want to have sex more than 7 times a week.
But the figure dropped drastically to 3% when the words "with wife" were added.
My girlfriend always laughs during sex,
No matter what she's reading.
George goes to a marriage counselor and says,
"My marriage isn't as much fun as it used to be. My wife is always tired".
The marriage counselor says,
"Do you still enjoy sex?
"As much as the next fellow" replied George.
The counselor says,
"Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted"
Pick up Lines:
Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
Anybody who allows himself to be buried is making a fuel of himself,
While anyone who allows himself to be cremated makes an ash of himself.
Vickie and John had split-up a few weeks ago, but still remained good
friends, which worked out nicely, since they lived in the same
apartment building.
One day, John slipped on the ice and broke his arm.
He met Vickie in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she
could do to help.
John said,
"Well, if it's not too much trouble, could you help me take a bath?"
Vickie readily agreed and soon was washing him when she saw a gradual
erection begin to appear.
"Now isn't that sweet," she cooed. "Look John, it still recognizes me."
Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer.
But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.
Pick up Lines:
Excuse me, do you give head to strangers?
Well then, allow me to introduce myself.
A guy walks a woman to the door after their first date.
He asks her if she had a good time.
She tells him yes but that to get her really horny, she likes her men
to be Rough, Tough & Selfish.
The next week, the guy picks her up for their evening out dressed in a
bikers black leathers.
He grabs her, throws her on the back of his newly rented Harley, and
away they go t o the nearest bikers bar.
The whole evening is spent drinking and brawling with the bikers.
When they get back to her house, he drags her up to the bedroom.
He asks her,
"Well, was I rough?"
"Yes" she purrs and rubs herself suggestively.
"And was I tough?" he asks.
"Oh yes," she moans.
"Well then, it's time to be selfish".
So saying, he whips it out and gives himself a hand job.
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the shop
teacher asked Judy, the only girl in the class.
Judy replied,
"Well, I can't rightly say as I know, because I've never been 'bolted'."
"Say," began Lucille one day over lunch, "didn't you go out with that
guy who played the French horn?" "Yeah," said Diane, stirring her iced
tea.
"You were really looking forward to it, I remember. How'd it go?"
Lucille leaned forward eagerly.
"Actually he was a pretty nice guy," volunteered Diane reluctantly.
"But there was one real problem..."
"Oh, really?"
"Every time he kissed me, he wanted to shove his fist up my ass."
Did you see the movie about a woman who uses a wooden vibrator?
It is called,
"Love Is A Many Splintered Thing."
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba's last date:
"You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type, "
Faba declared.
"What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?"
Mujo asked with curiosity.
"Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and
intelligent," explained Faba to her friend. Mujo giggles, and asked,
"So, how was it?"
"First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And
then he took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his
house. He began an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out
his penis." "What is this word, 'penis'," Mujo asked, unfamiliar with
the clinical terminology.
"Oh, it is what intellectuals have. It looks like a dick, just much smaller !"
A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a
busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his
appearance.
"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman,
I'd swear she was pregnant."
To which the man smiled and replied,
"Madam, it was and she is."
Sir Winston Churchill was once asked about his position on whisky.
Here's how he answered:
"If you mean whisky, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody
monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home,
creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the
mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples
men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living
into the bottomless pit of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness,
and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fibre
of my being.
"However, if by whisky you mean the oil of conversation, the
philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when
good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the
warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean good cheer, the
stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly
gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man
to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and
heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours
into our treasuries untold millions of pounds each year, that provides
tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our
dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways,
hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then
my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it.
"This is my position, and as always, I refuse to compromise on
matters of principle."
1) He had only one major publication.
2) It was in Hebrew.
3) It had no references.
4) It wasn't published in a referred journal.
5) Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6) It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7) His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8) The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9) He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10) When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning
his subjects.
11) When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12) Some say he had his son teach the class.
13) He expelled his first two students for learning.
14) He rarely came to class, and he just told students to read the book.
15) Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students
failed his tests.
16) His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a
customer and the Irish Railway Company.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired
of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the
transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years
ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our
service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The
only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book
of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his
ass.
That..... gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your
train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
25% of all women are on medication for mental illness.
That's bloody scary.. as it means 75% are running around with no
medication at all !!
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one
over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only
$5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
you $500.00," he says.
This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the
Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out
a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the
$500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior
up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes
back to sleep.
Don't mess with old farts!
The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed
it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became
very depressed because he had loved to play Golf and do lots of things
that took two arms.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an
elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing
on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling
and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man
didn't
have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I
still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no
arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him
how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and
felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him
again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if
that
guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his
heels again.
He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said, "I'm NOT happy ... My balls itch."
"I never slept with a man until I married your father," said the stern
mother to her wild daughter.
"Will you be able to say the same thing to your daughter?"
"Yes," replied the girl, "but not with such a straight face."
Mary, despite her good looks and charm, had still never dated any boys
at the age of 19.
Today, she asked her Aunt Martha for advice with boys.
"Aunt Martha," she started, "I've just started French kissing Tommy
and I need to know where the spit should go. I don't want to dribble
on my boyfriend."
"Swallow," her aunt advised. "This will make you even more popular later on."
Women might be able to fake orgasms.
But men can fake whole relationships.
Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when
the first one says:
"My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."
The other replies,
"Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"
I said,
"If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?
A young boy asked his mother,
"Ma, is it true that people are put together like machines? You know,
with separate parts you put together?"
"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.
The young boy answered,
"The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said
that he screwed the ass off his secretary."
You won't believe this, my date unzipped his pants, pulled out his
erection, and asked me,
"Do you want some of this?"
So I said,
"No, thanks anyway, but you go ahead. You really don't have enough to share!"
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 45th
wedding anniversary.
The husband decided to give his wife a gift -- a tombstone, with the
inscription:
"HERE LIES MY WIFE COLD AS EVER"
Later, the furious wife, giving homage to her husband's reliance on
the little blue bill, bought a return present, a tombstone with the
inscription:
"HERE LIES MY HUSBAND STIFF AT LAST!"
The exec had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back
of his desk and allow him to have sex with her.
"And just where have you been until this hour?" demanded his wife,
when he finally arrived home.
"Down at the office," he replied. "Working like a dog."
Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men.
Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free
After Great Success, The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking
How Was The Trip. All Of Them Gave A Same Reply...
"Which Trip?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Husband was seriously ill.
Doc to wife :-
Give him healthy breakfast, be pleasant & in gud mood, don't discuss
ur problems, no tv serial, dont demand new clothes & gold jewels, Do
this for 1 yr & he will be ok.
On the way home..
Husband :- wat did the doc say ?
Wife :- .No chance for u to survive
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woman Buys A New Sim Card Puts It In Her Phone And Decides To Surprise
Her Husband Who Is Seated On The Couch In The Living Room.
She Goes To The Kitchen, Calls Her Husband With The New Number:
"Hello Darling" The Husband Responds In A Low Tone:
"Let Me Call U Back Later Honey, The Dumb Lady Is In The Kitchen."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
Don't let your affection give you an infection.
Put some protection on that erection.
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie.
"She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has
beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."
Sophie replies,
"Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
Pick up Lines:
If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?
Making the rounds of the maternity ward, a visiting obstetrician
pointed to a child who was smaller and more fragile than the rest.
"What's wrong with that one?" he asked the head nurse.
"Nothing, doctor," she replied. "He's a test-tube baby, and they tend
to be smaller than others."
"It just goes to show," the obstetrician said sagely, "spare the rod
and spoil the child."
Raggedy Ann was thrown out of the toy box for sitting on Pinocchio's
face, and moaning,
"Lie to me!"
When the members of a great old Southern aristocratic family heard
that their daughter Clarabelle, who lived up north, had become a lady
of the evening, they were stunned and shocked.
"Imagine!" boomed Uncle Stonewall in despair. "It's a disgrace! One of
our kinfolk having to work for a living!"
Secretary:-
A stenographer who watches her periods.
A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the doctor.
When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his
poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his
migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school,
but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience. When I have
a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a
while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can
stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get
out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is
killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the
headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and
see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.
"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had
migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever
helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."
A co-worker told George that George's wife was being unfaithful
everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with George's best friend.
Worried and hurt, George ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved. His co-worker asked
him how it went.
"Look," said George. "Don't start such terrible rumours! That guy
isn't my best friend. In fact I don't even know him!"
The best thing to do when your girlfriend forgets to take her birth
control pills is to;
Give her a good tongue-lashing.
A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read,
"Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed
correctly he would get his
free sex.
The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,"You were close! The
number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba,
pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess
the correct number.
The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but NO free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother,
"I think that game is RIGGED, and he doesn't really give away
FREE Sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged.
My WIFE Thelma won twice last week"
Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a
boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.
"Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this
life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and
all men will fall at your feet."
Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she
thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins."
She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane
didn't die! She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost
her senses
and fainted.
As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very
well as she lost her glasses, and not knowing where she was, she
started
touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a
huge smile on her face,
"Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!"
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to Mental Hospital.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all
the bolts into the drain.
As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do;
he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple
problem... no wonder youare destined to be a truck driver..."
"Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and
fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace
the missing ones, easy as that"
The driver was very impressed and asked:"You're s o smart but why are
you here at the Mental Hospital?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
A poster at a Peace rally in Mumbai:
"Politicians divide us and Terrorists unite Us"
Who is a Psychiatrist?
A qualified person who gives you an expensive & critical analysis
about yourself, which your Spouse gives you for free, daily.
If you can't find the right words for certain situations, just give a smile…
Words may confuse, but a SMILE always convinces…
If ever in life you love two people at the same time, go for the second person..
If you really ever loved the first person, you would never fall in love again
"If one really wants to achieve, he will find a way out of everything.
If not, he will find an excuse out of something…!
Scotch is a brilliant invention….
One double and you start feeling Single again.
Notice at Church:
Do not leave your mobiles, purses, wallets, handbags, girl-friends UN-ATTENDED
Others may think it is an answer to their prayers.
Global Recession and Financial Crisis have become so critical and
serious now days that……
majority of the men have started loving their own wives!!!!!!
A Priest is called as a Father
A Bishop your Grace
A Cardinal, your Eminence…
Even a Pope is called as, His Highness.
But only a 36 – 24 – 36 in a Bikini is called as "OH MY GOD"
Don't throw a brick straight up.
Don't take long naps while driving.
Walk around toxic waste dumps,
Not through them.
Your body has the correct number of holes in it.
Don't make any more.
Don't microwave yourself too often.
Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.
When using an acetylene torch,
Don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot.
If you're on a ball field and someone shouts,
"Heads up!"
Don't actually raise your head up.
Cover it with your arms and duck.
Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.
When you are in bed remember to close your eyes.
No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature,
Stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.
When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards,
Press on the flat end.
When you find a prize in a box of "Crackerjacks,"
There is no need to report it on your income tax return.
"Time" magazine is not suitable to wear on your wrist.
Get a watch.
1 + 1 = 2
Try to remember that.
Don't count the peas in a can.
It is not an exact science.
If you discover that February only has 28 days,
Don't report it to the Consumer Fraud Department.
Likely they will ignore your complaint.
For faster elevator service press the elevator button many, many times.
If you found ANY of the above rules useful,
Under no circumstances should you EVER reproduce.
A school inspector is assigned to the grade 4 class in one of the
local schools in Soweto
He is introduced to the class by the teacher, Miss Wesizwe.
She says to the class: "Let's show the inspector just how clever you
are by allowing him to ask you a question."
The inspector decides to ask a biblical question.
He asks: "Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?"
For a full minute there is absolute silence, the children all just
stare at him blankly
Eventually Sipho raises his hand, the Inspector points excitedly to him
Sipho stands up and says: "Sir, I don't know who broke down the walls
of Jericho, but it wasn't me"
The inspector looks at the teacher for an explanation, she says: Well,
I've known Sipho since the beginning of the year and I believe that if
he says that he didn't do it, then he didn't do it."
The inspector is shocked at the level of ignorance and storms down to
the principal's office and tells him what happened.
The principal replies: "Look I don't know the boy, but I socialise
every now and then with his teacher and I believe her, if she feels
that the boy was not involved, then he must be innocent."
The inspector can't believe what he is hearing, he grabs the phone on
the principal's desk and dials the Minister of Education and relates
the entire episode and asks her what she thinks of the education
standard in the school
The Minister sighs heavily and replies: "Eish wena, you know I'm very
busy, I don't know the boy, the teacher or the principal, just get
three quotes and have the wall fixed by my brother."
There was a young poof from Khartoum
Who took a lesbian up to his room
They argued all night
About who had the right
To do what, with which and to whom.
Headquarters:
The room where enlisted women blow the officers.
One night Scott was getting very drunk in a pub.
He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his tool out as he went in the door.
However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a
woman sitting on the can.
"This is for ladies!" she screamed!
Scott waved his tool at her and said,
"So is this!"
A woman walked into my aunt's animal shelter wanting to have her cat
and six kittens spayed and neutered.
"Is the mother friendly?" my aunt asked.
"Very," said the woman, casting an eye on the pet carriers.
"That's how we got into this mess in the first place."
The Jewish sisters-in-law meet at their weekly session at the beauty shop.
Ruth says to Golda,
"Such news I got for you, Golda! My Irving is finally getting married.
He tells me he is engaged to this wonderful Jewish girl, but he thinks
the poor darling may have some strange illness called herpes."
After offering congratulations, Golda says to Ruth,
"So, Ruthie, do you have any idea what is this herpes, and can your
Irving catch it?"
Ruth answers,
"God forbid! But his Papa and I are just so happy to hear about his
engagement. You know how we've all worried about him. It's past time
he's settled with a nice girl. As far as the herpes goes, who knows?"
"Well," Golda says, "I have a very fine medical dictionary, you know,
Ruthie. I'll just run home right now and look it up and call you."
Golda goes home, looks it up, and calls Ruth excitedly,
"Ruth! Ruth! Thank goodness, I found it. Not to worry! It says herpes
is a disease affecting the gentiles."
Contrary to popular belief,
Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease.
At the seafood restaurant, I asked the waitress if she had crabs.
She told me to have a seat, she'd be right with me!
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became
unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed, but wishing to please her, he reached
cautiously down the back of her gown.
"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it."
"Try further down," she said.
At this point he noticed that everyone in the room was watching him,
and he whispered to the girl,
"I feel such a perfect ass."
"Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the necklace."
"Close your curtains the next time you're shaggin' the wife.
The whole street was watchin' an' laughin' yesterday."
"Well, the joke's on them. I wasn't even home yesterday!"
There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.
Having sex is like playing bridge.
If you don't have a good partner,
You'd better have a good hand.
Three Hillbillies Billy Bob, Joe Bob and James Earl are sitting on a
porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says:
'My wife sure is stupid!... She bought an air conditioner..'
2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says:
'Why is that stupid?'
1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says:
'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'
2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says:
'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new
fangled warshin' machines!'
1st Hillbilly Billy Bob says:
'Why is that so stupid?'
2nd Hillbilly Joe Bob says:
''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'
3rd Hillbilly James Earl says:
'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put
together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some
change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'
1st and 2nd Hillbillies Billy Bob and Joe Bob both say:
'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly James Earl says:
'She ain't got no pecker.'
Vibrator:
Device used by an expectant mother during pregnancy which makes the
baby stutter when it starts to talk.
Two lesbians walk into a House of Ill Repute.
They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The Madame says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again,
"We want the youngest girl here!"
The madam says,
"No. I don't serve minors to lickers."
My wife said she won't perform oral sex on me any more and I asked why.
She said last time she did she got food poisoning from eating meat
that has been hanging for 50 years!
"Mom, hey, Mom! Lennie passed his bar exam so we're going to get
married next week!"
The bride-to-be was ecstatic.
"Gee, Jill, don't you think you two should wait till he's been
practicing for a year or so?" cautioned her mother.
"Oh Mom," said the bride with a blush, "we've been practicing."
After her OB-GYN appointment, my wife told me,
"My gynaecologist said I can't have sex for two weeks!"
So I asked her,
"Well, what did your dentist say?"
A man walks into a sperm bank and declares,
"I'm of royal blood and an I. Q. Of 165, I'd like to make a donation".
The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.
20 minutes later the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door.
"Is there a problem?"
"I'm so embarrassed, I used my right hand. I used my left hand. I
poured cold water on it and hot water on it. Could you help me?"
The nurse replied,
"I don't usually do this but you are kinda cute..."
She gets on her knees and begins to blow him.
"I really appreciate this, but I need help getting the cap off the jar!"
A new airline linking Geneva with Milan, Rome and Naples will be
called Genitalia?
"My but you look different today Claudia." commented Rene to her
co-worker. "Your hair is extra curly, and you have this wide-eyed
look. What did you use -- special curlers and some dramatic eye
make-up ?"
"No !" replied Claudia. "My damn vibrator shorted out this morning."
Girl to boy:
"I know you really look like Napoleon Bonaparte."
"Great, isn't it?"
"Yes, but you differ in one aspect from him."
"And that is?"
"You have to put your hand in your own blouse."
The following are actual newspaper headlines:
March Planned For Next August
L.A. Voters Approve Urban Renewal by Landslide
Patient at Death's Door - Doctors Pull Him Through
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
We were just wondering when these jokes would arrive...
Here they are!
With apologies to all those of Italian origin and to those who
contemplate a cruise in the Med.
# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships?
On the rocks
# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships?
Leeks
# What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship?
Follow the captain
# When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he
knew where he was going
He replied, "off course."
# So, the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock.
That's more than can be said for his ship.
# I like my women how I like my Italian Cruises.
Wet, wrecked and ready to go down.
# What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken
cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing -
The bottoms dropped out of both.
There was a young plumber of Leigh,
Was plumbing a maid by the sea.
Said the maid, "Cease your plumbing,
I think someone's coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the
biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said,
"You're pulling my leg."
A young woman walked in to a drug store and, after walking around for
ten minutes or so looking for cotton balls, gave up.
She goes to the window and asks the pharmacist,
"Do you have cotton balls?"
The pharmacist paused for a second, looked at the cute fox and said,
"Lady, do I look like a stuffed teddy bear?"
An army nurse went to bed eating popcorn
And
Woke up with a kernel between her legs.
This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order
supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.
The supplier says,
"I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So realistic you can't tell
the difference!"
The guy orders one.
Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how
realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks.
So, he decides to blow it up.
Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks,
"What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.
Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.
A month later the guy calls up,
"You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot
tell you how happy I am."
"That's great!"
"Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."
"Realistic then?"
"So realistic, I got syphilis."
Trust:
Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.
Having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and
evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your
money.
Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year,
And
When he does, it's down the chimney.
A guy walked into the doctor's office for an appointment.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist
asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very
large and almost constant erection." "Well, the doctor is very busy
today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."
Bungee jumping and hookers have one thing in common
Both cost a hundred bucks
And
If the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
A furrier from the United States went to Helsinki, Finland to purchase furs.
The first night in Helsinki he met a gorgeous blonde named Sanna, and
before long the two were alone in his hotel room.
The encounter turned physical and soon their lovemaking session was complete.
After they were finished, then the man attempted to chat with Sanna --
but it wasn't going well.
He said,
"I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good."
Sanna replied,
"Your foreplay ain't all that hot either!"
A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his
girlfriend and her twin.
I said
"How can you tell them apart?"
He said
"Her brother's got a mustache."
President Mahinda Rajapakse walks into Bank of Ceylon
to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says: Good Morning,
madam, could you pleaase cash this cheque for me?
Cashier: It would be my pleasure,Sir. Could you please show me your ID?
PRESIDENT: (utterly shocked) I did not bring my ID with me as I
didn't think there was any need. I am Mahinda Rajapakse, the President
of Sri Lanka!
Cashier: Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the
regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and
forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.
PRESIDENT: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will
tell you. Everybody knows who I am!
Cashier: I am sorry Mr. President, but these are the bank
rules and I must follow them strictly.
PRESIDENT: I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque. Shiranthi has
gone to America and Namal has, by mistake, taken the keys of the
safe with him. I need some extra spending money urgently.
Cashier: look Mr. President, this is what we can do. Some
months back, Sarath Fonseka came into the bank without ID. To prove he was
the ex General, he showed his tummy scars. With those scar marks, we knew
him to be Ex General and cashed his cheque. On another occasion,
Sanath Jayasuriya
came in without his ID. To prove his identity, he just went out and hit sixes.
With that we knew for certain that he was indeed Sanath himself, and we
cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove
that it is you, and only you, as the President of Sri Lanka?
PRESIDENT stood there thinking, thinking and thinking, and finally
said: Honestly, my mind is totally blank ..... there is nothing that
comes to my mind... I can't think of a single thing!!!
Cashier: There you are! That is enough. Now I don't have any
doubt that you are our President Mahinda Rajapakse. In what
denominations would you like the cash, Mr. President?
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public
office. ~Aesop
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance
speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will
Rogers
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being
governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge
even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
Clarence Darrow
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and
your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the
tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and
campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the
other. ~Oscar Ameringer
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you
smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The
Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then
they get elected and prove it. ~P.J. O'Rourke
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies
about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai
Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his
country. ~ Texas Guinan
Any American who is prepared to run for president should
automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.
~Gore Vidal
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter
to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle
Politics: [Poly "many" + tics "blood-sucking parasites"] ~Larry Hardiman
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be
better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson
Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown
There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on
senators. ~Will Rogers
Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
Each with a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents;
Do you think they went for water?
A nurse is a pan handler.
Outside a Church in Boston a young boy is weeping, and an old lady
approaches him and says,
"What's wrong, honey?"
The little boy replies between sobs,
"My Grandma passed away this morning."
"I'm so sorry to hear this," says the kind old lady. "Do you want me
to call Father O'Riley?"
"No," replies the boy. "Sex is the last thing I have in mind."
Sales for Viagra are way down.
I guess all those old guys finally figured out that sex with an old
woman is not worth $20.
Jack left for a two day business trip to Chicago.
He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd
left his plane ticket on top of his dresser.
He turned around and headed back to the house.
He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen.
He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.
She looked so good that he quietly tiptoed up behind her, reached out,
and squeezed her left tit.
"Just leave one quart of milk," she said. "Jack won't be here for
breakfast tomorrow."
Men are like Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.
An astronaut discovered life on the dark side of the moon.
When he got out of the module, he saw a light in a cave not too far away.
He went to investigate and discovered the cave was an entrance to an
underground city populated with people appearing identical to earth
people except for the women's breasts on their backs instead of their
chests.
When the inhabitants saw him they threw a party to welcome him to the moon.
At a press conference on returning to earth, a reporter asked if he
thought that the women looked strange. He said,
"Yes, but they sure are nice to dance with."
A woman sought help from her doctor.
"All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with
him," she said. "And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit
in two weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office.
"Those pills were great Doctor, I'm doing it twice a night now,
sometimes even three times."
"That's wonderful," said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?"
"I don't know, Doctor," she replied. "He has been away on a business
trip for the past two weeks.
How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Blondes don't screw in light bulbs.
They screw in Jacuzzis
Have you heard about that blind hooker?
You've gotta hand it to her!
Isn't it amazing that George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's -
could write something so very eloquent...and so very appropriate!
The Message:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings
but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints.
We spend more, but have less,
We buy more, but enjoy less.
We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time.
We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less
judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less
wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too
little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too
tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life.
We've added years to life not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing
the street to meet a new neighbour.
We conquered outer space but not inner space.
We've done larger things, but not better things.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less.
We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait.
We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more
copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and
small character, steep profits and shallow relationships.
These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses,
but broken homes.
These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality,
one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from
cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in
the stockroom.
A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when
you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete....
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever.
Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.
Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is
the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a
cent.
Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones,
but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it
comes from deep inside of you.
Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person
will not be there again.
Give time to love, give time to speak!
And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.
AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we
take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
If you don't send this to at least 8 people....Who cares?
George Carlin.
Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie were sitting on a park bench
outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The
short one, Jackie, leaned over and said, 'Life is so boring. We never
have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak
through that stupid, boring flower show!'
'You're on!' said Dorace, holding up a $10.00 bill.
So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely
naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of
the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the
hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. Finally, the
smiling Jackie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering,
clapping crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement... !'
Male or female – many non-living objects are actually either male or
female. Here are some examples:
WEB PAGE: Female, because they are constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
... HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000
years, but it's handy to have around
CRITIC: Female, What, this needs to be explained?
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
Tyres: Male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
PHOTOCOPIERS: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to
warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the
right buttons are pushed but can also wreak havoc if you push the
wrong buttons
Computers: Male or Female?
An English teacher was explaining to his students the concept of
gender association in the English language.
He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names and how
ships and planes were usually referred to as "she". One of the
students raised their hand and asked, "What gender is a computer"?
The teacher wasn't certain, which it was, so he divided the class into
two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to
decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were
asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of
women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine
gender, for the following reasons:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they cause the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely
be referred to in the feminine gender for the following reasons:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your pay cheque on accessories for it.
Confucius Say
The best time to go to the dentist is tooth hurty.
Confucius Say
ArtifIcial Insemination is procreation without recreation.
Confucius Say
The useless skin around a penis is called "a man".
Confucius Say
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Confucius Say
A single fact can ruin a good argument.
Confucius Say
An Arch Criminal is one who robs shoe stores.
Confucius Say
The best way for university student to turn their life completely
around is to get 90 degrees.
Confucius Say
The worst thing about oral sex is the view
Confucius Say
An old grave digger is called an Elderberry
John: Your secretary is very sexy...!
Tom: Thanks! It's a robot actually,named " Monica "
If you squeeze her right breast, she takes dictation & If you squeeze
her left breast, she types letters !
I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions...
Next day.............John called Tom from hospital & shouted:
You bastard ! You didn't tell me that the HOLE ''' between Monica's
legs is a pencil sharpener............!
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his
drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his
wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught
himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed
heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and
made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and
looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and
bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and
began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and
stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and
butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be
the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter.
A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he
would like a woman sent to his room. The man says, yes.
The desk clerk says,
"I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one
should I send up?"
With this the man replies,
"I'll take the teacher."
When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says,
"I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer
or the switchboard operator?"
The man replies,
"The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it.
The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished,
But the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get
it right."
Men are like Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl
approached him.
"Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes, I want to buy some condoms."
"What size do you need, Sir?"
"I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size
I would need."
"May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"
As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:
"Give me a SMALL ... Wait! Make it MEDIUM ... Wait! Make it LARGE ...
Shit! Give me a TISSUE!"
A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:
"I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:
"Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"
Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull
the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine? What's that?" she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after
I'm gone!" he replied.
When I was born, I was given a choice -- a big dick or a good memory.
I don't remember which one I chose.
The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car
directly between the house of Mr. And Mrs. Smith and Mr. And Mrs.
Balls.
Luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.
What happens when you mess around with a school girl during the wrong period?
You get caught red handed.
"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"
"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress
with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'does my pair
annoy ya'?"
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A two-ton whore who'll go for peanuts, but will never forget you!
The host at a party was getting worried because there were too many people
and not enough refreshments.
She was sure that not all of these people had been invited but didn't know how
to tell which ones were the crashers.
Then her husband got an idea.
He turned to the crowd of guests and said "Will those who are from the
bride's side
of the family stand up please?" About twenty people stood.
Then he asked "Will those who are from the groom's side of the family
stand up as well?" About twenty-five people stood up.
Then he smiled and said, "Will all those who stood please leave. This
is a birthday party!"
There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanour
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner
Confucius says,
"Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy."
I think I won't ever laugh out so loud…
This morning in biology class, we had to put our own saliva under a microscope.
Suddenly, a girl shouts out very agitated:
"There's something moving here!"
All were very quiet, the teacher looked at it, looked again and said:
"Oh, that's definitively a living sperm cell."
I think the girl just wanted to die.
The difference between a nympho, a hooker and a wife is:
The nympho says,
"You're done already?"
The hooker says,
"Are you done yet?"
The wife says,
"Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
A boy took a girl out on her first date.
When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said,
"My mother told me to say no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"Nooo," the girl said.
"You know," said the boy, "we're going to have a lot of fun if you're
on the level about this, and follow your mother's advice."
What do you call boobs on a girl scout?
Brownie points
A British teen was so desperate to speak Korean with a proper accent
she had her tongue lengthened surgically.
It isn't known if she speaks Korean any better, but she has gotten
more offers for dates than she ever imagined.
The former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station
attendant because right before the tanks were full, he would pull out
the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.
There was a young lad from the South that was graduating from high school.
He couldn't get a date for the prom.
His parents suggested that he could take his sister.
She agreed to attend the prom with her brother.
After the evening ended they headed home in dad's new SUV.
As they were driving he looked at his sister and said
"If you weren't my sister, I'd pull over to the side of the road."
She replied,
"Just pretend I'm not your sister"
After they parked, he said.
"If you weren't my sister, I'd like to kiss you"
Again, she replied,
"Just pretend I'm not your sister"
So, he gave her a big tongue kiss!
Wow,
"Damn if you weren't my sister I'd like to Fuck you"
Again, she replied,
"Pretend I'm not your sister"
As the story goes, they fucked and had many delightful orgasms together.
When they finished she remarked,
"Damn your dick is almost as big as dad's."
To which he replied
"Yep, that's what mom tells me!"
Frigid:
A man's term for a woman
Who wants to have sex less often than he does,
Or
Who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a
picture of a naked man.
As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he
noticed that one of the young ladies, a striking blonde, had sketched
the man with an erection.
Slightly flustered, the professor said,
"Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied,
"What other way?"
At a music store there was a sign stating, Bach's Organ Works."
Underneath someone had scribbled,
"So does mine."
Paddy and Mick drove to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.?
Paddy ordered a whiskey.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust.? "I'd rather be raped by a dozen
whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too,
I didn't know we had a choice!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. ?
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
Paddy replies "I don't know!?? It?s your f***ing plane!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!"? Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home".
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder
how the girls are getting on"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread eagled and says
"You know what I want don't you ?"
"Yeah," says Paddy.. "The whole friggin' bed by the
looks of it!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for
not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head
was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which Paddy said ;
"I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours'
dog is barking like mad in the garden.? Paddy says
"To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden.?
Let's see how they like it!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows
have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick say "Crikey!? There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
Mick replies "Miles, from London !"
Just something to help you get a laugh as we all need to laugh more!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down and beat you with
experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is' knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted pay checks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In
case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
There was a young nun from Siberia,
Endowed with a virgin interior,
Until an old monk,
Jumped into her bunk,
And now she's the Mother Superior
Dear Rick Santorum, Rick Perry and Michelle Bachmann:
Religion is like a penis.
It is nice to have a religion, and certainly okay to be proud of your religion.
However, it is not appropriate to wave it around seductively in
public, and downright disgusting to try cramming it down people's
throats.
What's more profitable;
A one-story whorehouse or a two-story whorehouse?
A one-story whorehouse, because there's no fuckin' overhead.
What is the difference between love and Herpes?
Herpes lasts forever.
A travelling salesman on business in West Virginia met a young lady in
a bar, and invited her to his room.
As she was disrobing, he said,
"Say, how old are you?"
"Thirteen." she said.
"Thirteen?! My God! You're a child! Put your clothes back on right now
and get out of here!"
On her way out the door, the confused nymphet paused, turned to him, and said,
"You're superstitious, right?"
Went to my doctor for my routine checkup today and everything seemed
to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt!
Do you think I should change dentists?
An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing ?'
The prostitute replies,
'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots'? He asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'
She says,
"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.
What do blonde's like so much about tilt steering wheels in cars?
More head room.
The biology teacher at the all-girl academy was handing back a test on
male anatomy on which the girls did poorly.
"I don't understand why you girls can't understand the male sex organ.
You've had it pounded into you all semester.
Men are like Snowstorms.
You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how
long he will last.
My nookie days are over;
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal;
Is now my water spout.
Time was when of its own accord;
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I have a full time job;
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing;
The way it would behave.
For every single morning;
It would stand and watch me shave.
As old age approaches;
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its withered head;
And watch me tie my shoes,
1. If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry!
Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!
2. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is like
Expecting the lion not to attack you
Because you are a vegetarian.
Think ABout it.
3. Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance
&
What clothes we wear,
But
What we are inside.
So, try going out without clothes tomorrow and see the admiration!
4. Don't walk as if you rule the world,
Walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude! Keep on rocking!
5. Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did
&
Convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!
6. He was a good man.
He never smoked, drank had no affair.
When he died, the insurance company refused the claim.
They said,
He who never lived, cannot die!
7. A man threw his wife in a pond of crocodiles?
He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists
For being cruel to the Crocodiles!
8. So many options for suicide:
Poison,
Sleeping pills,
Hanging,
Jumping from a building,
Lying on train tracks,
But
We chose marriage,
Slow sure!
There are only nine questions.
This is a quiz for people who know everything!
I found out in a hurry that I didn't.
These are not trick questions.
They are straight questions with straight answers..
1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the
participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons.
All other vegetables must be replanted every year.
What are the only two perennial vegetables?
4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear
inside the bottle.
The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine;
It hasn't been cut in any way.
How did the pear get inside the bottle?
6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw'
and they are all common words.
Name at least two of them.
7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar.
Can you name at least half of them?
8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with
the letter 'S.'
Answers To Quiz:
1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
know the score or the leader until the contest ends:
Boxing.
2. North American landmark constantly moving backward:
Niagara Falls
. (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because
of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute)
3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for
several growing seasons:
Asparagus and Rhubarb.
4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside:
Strawberry.
5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle?
It grew inside the bottle.
The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are
wired in place on the tree.
The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season.
When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
6. Three English words beginning with dw:
Dwarf, dwell and dwindle...
7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar:
Period,
Comma,
Colon,
Semicolon,
Dash,
Hyphen,
Apostrophe,
Question mark,
Exclamation
Point,
Quotation mark,
Brackets,
Parenthesis,
Braces,
&
Ellipses.
8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed,
cooked, or in any other form but fresh: Lettuce.
9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with 'S':
Shoes,
Socks,
Sandals,
Sneakers,
Slippers,
Skis,
Skates,
Snowshoes,
Stockings,
Stilts.
I would have given him 100%
My Kind Of Guy!
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* Exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four
apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack
A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:
Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?
I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this
year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a
guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy,
but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New
York. My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who
has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married? I wanted to
ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you? Among those I've
dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is
my upper limit. If someone is going to move into high cost residential
area on the west of New York CityGarden(?), $250k annual income is not
enough.
I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:
1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names
and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)
2) Which age group should I target?
3) Why most wives of the riches is only average-looking? I've met a
few girls who doesn't have looks and are not interesting, but they are
able to marry rich guys
4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your
girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)
Ms. Pretty
Awesome reply:
Dear Ms. Pretty,
I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of
girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me
to analyse your situation as a professional investor. My annual income
is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope everyone
believes that I'm not wasting time here. From the standpoint of a
business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very
simple, so let me explain. Put the details aside, what you're trying
to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money": Person A provides
beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square. However, there's a
deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be
gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase
from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year. Hence
from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you
are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but
exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will
be much worried 10 years later.
By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position,
dating with you is also a "trading position". If the trade value
dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long
term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel
to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with
great depreciation value will be sold or "leased". Anyone with over
$500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will
not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to
marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a
rich person with $500k annual income. This has better chance than
finding a rich fool.
Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do
contact me...
signed,
J.P. Morgan
There was a young lady named Flo.
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
'Till he got it just right.
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
Anyone remember that fairytale about the uncircumcised troll?
I think it was called Rumpled Foreskin.
After a tourist had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he
beckoned the waitress back and said,
"Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl.
Then she smiled and added,
"Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the
same table and the waitress asked,
"Will there be anything else?"
"Yes," replied the tourist. "Where ah come from in Alabama, we lack
our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah
drink."
Confucius Says:
Man who lifts stones off woman get rocks off.
"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Not something to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many
people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a
dog that we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm...,
PHYSICALLY attracted to my horse!"
"Hmmm." Then the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man snapped. "What do you think I am, GAY?"
What is the difference between a pigmy village and a women's track team?
A pigmy village is a cunning bunch of runts.
A young couple approached the desk in a big hotel.
"We've just been married," the young couple explained, "but we forgot
to make reservations. Could you give us a suite for the night?"
"Certainly," replied the clerk. "Would you like the bridal?"
"Oh, no thanks," said the young man. "Now that we're married, we're
going to stop horsing around!"
TAXIDERMIST -
A man who mounts animals.
It was painfully evident to the indignant father that all was not well
with his attractive daughter.
To his pointed questions, she tearfully admitted that motherhood was
approaching and that the rich young lay about who lived on the next
block was responsible.
With fire in his eyes, the father charged down the street and rang the
bachelor's bell.
The young man answered the door, still in his dressing gown and
holding what appeared to be a mai tai.
He readily admitted his guilt.
"Just what do you intend doing about it?" demanded the parent.
The bachelor thought for a moment.
"Well," he said, "if it's a girl, I'll give your daughter fifty
thousand dollars. And if it's a boy, I'll give her a hundred
thousand."
"See here," said the father. "If it's a miscarriage, will you give her
another chance?"
The newest vitamin is made from chicken soup.
It makes men cocky and women lay better.
Following the birth of my second child, I called our insurance company
to inquire about my short-term disability policy.
"I just had a baby," I proudly announced to the representative who
picked up the phone.
"Congratulations! I'll get all of your information and activate your
policy," she assured me.
After taking down basic information, like my name and address, she asked me,
"Was this a work-related incident?"
You know you're leading a sad life when a nymphomaniac tells you,
"Let's just be friends."
In Europe & America:
YOU can kiss in public but not piss in public.
In India & Pakistan:
YOU can piss in public but not kiss in public.
A Priest in a small town was called away for an emergency on a Sunday
,afternoon while he was about to hear confessions. Not wanting to
leave the confessional unattended, and having no one else to assist
him he called his Rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to
cover for him.
The Rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say or do.
The Priest told him to come over and he'd stay with him for a little
bit to show him what to do.
The Rabbi dutifully came over. The Rabbi and the Priest were in the
confessional working out the details.
A few minutes later, a woman came in and said, "Father, forgive me for
I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do?"
The woman said, „I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Woman: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary‚s, put five dollars in the donation box,
go and sin no more."
A few minutes later a man entered the confessional. He said, "Father,
forgive me for I have sinned."
Priest: "What did you do?"
Man: "I committed adultery."
Priest: "How many times?"
Man: "Three times."
Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put five dollars in the box, go and sin no more."
The Rabbi told the Priest that he thought he understood the procedure,
so the Priest left.
A few minutes later another woman entered and said, "Father, forgive
me for I have sinned."
Rabbi: "What did you do?"
Woman: "I committed adultery."
Rabbi: "How many times?"
Woman: "Once."
Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three
for five dollars!"
