XXX ADULT PUNS!

There once was a pervert named Weiner
Who had a perverted demeanour
Forced from the Hill
For acting like Bill
Now Congress is one Weiner leaner

Confucius says,
"Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy."

I think I won't ever laugh out so loud…
This morning in biology class, we had to put our own saliva under a microscope.
Suddenly, a girl shouts out very agitated:
"There's something moving here!"
All were very quiet, the teacher looked at it, looked again and said:
"Oh, that's definitively a living sperm cell."
I think the girl just wanted to die.

The difference between  a nympho, a hooker and a wife is:
The nympho says,
"You're done already?"
The hooker says,
"Are you done yet?"
The wife says,
"Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

A boy took a girl out on her first date.
When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said,
"My mother told me to say no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"Nooo," the girl said.
"You know," said the boy, "we're going to have a lot of fun if you're
on the level about this, and follow your mother's advice."

What do you call boobs on a girl scout?
Brownie points

A British teen was so desperate to speak Korean with a proper accent
she had her tongue lengthened surgically.
It isn't known if she speaks Korean any better, but she has gotten
more offers for dates than she ever imagined.

The former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station
attendant because right before the tanks were full, he would pull out
the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

There was a young lad from the South that was graduating from high school.
He couldn't get a date for the prom.
His parents suggested that he could take his sister.
She agreed to attend the prom with her brother.
After the evening ended they headed home in dad's new SUV.
As they were driving he looked at his sister and said
"If you weren't my sister, I'd pull over to the side of the road."
She replied,
"Just pretend I'm not your sister"
After they parked, he said.
"If you weren't my sister, I'd like to kiss you"
Again, she replied,
"Just pretend I'm not your sister"
So, he gave her a big tongue kiss!
Wow,
"Damn if you weren't my sister I'd like to Fuck you"
Again, she replied,
"Pretend I'm not your sister"
As the story goes, they fucked and had many delightful orgasms together.
When they finished she remarked,
"Damn your dick is almost as big as dad's."
To which he replied
"Yep, that's what mom tells me!"

Frigid:
A man's term for a woman
Who wants to have sex less often than he does,
Or
Who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a
picture of a naked man.
As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he
noticed that one of the young ladies, a striking blonde, had sketched
the man with an erection.
Slightly flustered, the professor said,
"Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied,
"What other way?"

At a music store there was a sign stating, Bach's Organ Works."
Underneath someone had scribbled,
"So does mine."