XX ADULT PUNS!

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter.

A man checks into a hotel and the desk clerk asks, very quietly, if he
would like a woman sent to his room. The man says, yes.
The desk clerk says,
"I have a stenographer, a switchboard operator or a teacher. Which one
should I send up?"
With this the man replies,
"I'll take the teacher."
When the man checks out the next morning, the desk clerk says,
"I'm curious, why did you pick the teacher instead of the stenographer
or the switchboard operator?"
The man replies,
"The stenographer would say that she can't take it as fast as I give it.
The switchboard operator would cut me off before I'm finished,
But the teacher would tell me to do it over and over again until I get
it right."

Men are like Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms, and a sales girl
approached him.
"Can I help you, Sir?"
"Yes, I want to buy some condoms."
"What size do you need, Sir?"
"I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size
I would need."
"May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?"
As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance:
"Give me a SMALL ... Wait! Make it MEDIUM ... Wait! Make it LARGE ...
Shit! Give me a TISSUE!"

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers:
"I can lick any man in the place!"
The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says:
"Crude, but direct. Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.
"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull
the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine? What's that?" she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after
I'm gone!" he replied.

When I was born, I was given a choice -- a big dick or a good memory.
I don't remember which one I chose.

The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car
directly between the house of Mr. And Mrs. Smith and Mr. And Mrs.
Balls.
Luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths.

What happens when you mess around with a school girl during the wrong period?
You get caught red handed.

"Johnny," the teacher started, "do you know what 'paranoia' means?"
"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.
"Whatever do you mean by that?"
"It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress
with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'does my pair
annoy ya'?"

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a prostitute?
A two-ton whore who'll go for peanuts, but will never forget you!