Fwd: Why we LOVE the British ...

FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS ...

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas
bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said,

'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.
Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that
destroyed his house.'
(The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami
in her underwear.

When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van,
because they cannot issue a description.

It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know
what it looks like.
(The Guardian)

At the height of the gale, the harbour-master radioed a coast guard
and asked him to estimate the wind speed.

He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it
was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience
with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden.

He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came
up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil
Hitler.''
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)



HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGROUND TUBE


A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have
made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service.

I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to
be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to
the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside.

I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news?

The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town
and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure
somewhere between Mile End and East Ham, which means we probably won't
reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a
security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for
the foreseeable future,

So, let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All
together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ...

As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if
they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they
don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these
professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to
a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver
announced in a West Indian drawl:

'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman...
Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause )

'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm
going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close.

Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are
distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means
that the doors are about to close.

It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the
second carriage --

What part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..)

'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...)

'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing
glasses at the rear of the train:

Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from
the door before I come down there and shove them up your @rse
sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking
allowed on any part of the Underground.

However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it
round the rest of the carriage.'