Fwd: Jokes of the Day -

Jokes of the Day - :

INTRODUCTION
"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet.
Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be
strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved."
Helen Keller (1880 - 1968)

How did one ocean say "good bye" to the other?
They say,
"sea you later!"

Kansas Law
No one may catch fish with his bare hands.

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease,
Your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped,
Will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number,
You never get an engaged tone.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
The next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change queues,
The one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Bath THEOREM
When the body is immersed in water,
The telephone rings.

LAW of the RESULT
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work,
It will.

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS
The severity of the itch is
Inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE
At any event,
The people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee,
Your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself
greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.
Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the
fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."



A famed English explorer was invited to Dartmouth to tell of his
adventures in the African jungle.
"Can you imagine," he demanded, "people so primitive that they love to
eat the embryo of certain birds, and slices from the belly of certain
animals?
And grind up grass seed, make it into a paste, burn it over a fire,
then smear it with a greasy mess they extract from the mammary fluid
of certain other animals?"
When the students looked startled by such barbarism, the explorer added softly,
"What I've been describing, of course, is a breakfast of bacon and
eggs and buttered toast."


Roy Rogers and Trigger wended their way home after a most satisfying
day at work tending the boundary fences on Roy's large spread.
About a mile from the homestead Roy noticed a cloud of dust rising
from the trail that led from home to the main gate.
As he approached, he saw that it was a large squad of cavalry soldiers
led by Major Ted.
As he came up to the column of troops Major Ted called, "Whoa!" and
addressed the famous cowboy.
"Good evening, Mr Rogers," he said.
"Good evening, Major," replied Roy Rogers.
"Are you' heading home, Sir?" asked the Major.
"I am indeed, yessir, I'm looking forward to a real meal."
"Just before you go, Mr Rogers, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you."
"Like what, Major?"
"Well, sir, the Indians have been on the rampage over at your homestead."
"My God! I'd better get over there right away!"
"Just a minute Roy, there's more. There's not much left of your house
I'm afraid"
"That's terrible, I've got to get home to my family"
"Hold on Roy, there's more. I'm afraid they scalped your five children
and appear to have raped the girls beforehand."
"Those savages!! I've got to get home to my wife, she must be beside
herself with grief!"
"Sorry Roy, but there's more. They also raped your wife and mother
before killing them. All the cattle are gone and they put an arrow
through your dog Pal. Most of the house is burned to the ground and
they put poison in your water supply."
"Oh my God! This is the worst day of my life! But still, I'd better
get over there and see if there's anything at all I can do"
"Hold on, Roy - there's just one more thing . . ."
"Yes Major?"
"Before you go. How's about a little song for the boys?"

When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my
duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms.
A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because
it was not supposed to be used by customers.
Nevertheless, they found the convenience of the exit tempting.
Even a sign with large red letters, warning "Alarm will sound if
opened," failed to deter people from using it.
One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a
small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem:
"Wet paint."