Fwd: Jokes of the Day -

INTRODUCTION:
"Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind.
To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse.
To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better.
To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make
things better. "
King Whitney Jr.

Doctor:
"Take the green pill with a glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a glass of water after lunch.
Then, just before going to bed, take the red pill with another glass of water."
Man:
"Exactly what's my problem, doc?"
Doctor:
"You're not drinking enough water."

Kansas Law
It is illegal for restaurants to sell cherry pie a la mode on Sundays.

President George W. And Colin Powell are drinking in a pub close Old
Town Square in Prague.
A guy walks in and asks the bartender,
"Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"
The barman says,
"Yep, that's them."
So, the guy walks over and says,
"Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says,
"We're planning WW III."
The guy says,
"Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says,
"Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis this time and one blonde
with big tits."
A little perplexed the guy exclaimed,
"A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says,
"See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis."


The roof of the chapel was leaking and the priest asked for volunteers
to raise funds for its repair.
Mike offered his services.
About a week later, the priest met Mike who was straggling from side
to side as a result of having imbibed too freely.
Mike was apologetic.
"I'm collecting for the roof, Father," he said. "Every one of the
neighbors I called on insisted on giving me a wee drop after paying
his subscription."
The priest was shocked.
"Are there no teetotalers in the parish, Mike?"
"Oh, yes, to be sure," said Mike. " I've written to them."


A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive
is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want
it lowered!"

After a very long day of listening to a visiting businessman from
Texas brag about his state,
A New Yorker decided to show the guy the Empire State Building.
When the Texan then put down New York's well-known landmark by saying
"Heck, that's nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!"
The New Yorker responded with,
"Well you no doubt need them!"

TOP 13 INTERNATIONAL WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER
13 Kick her in the rear, Vladamir.
12 Put the pedal to the metal, Gretel.
11 Fire up the Jaguar, Dagmar.
10 Tell her to shave her armpit hair, Pierre.
9 Put on her underpants, Hans.
8 Blow up her car, Moammar.
7 Complain about her cous-cous, Boutros-Boutros.
6 Push him in the Yangtze, Xiao Li.
5 Lock her in the john, Juan.
4 Ditch her at the Kabuki, Teruyuki.
3 Knock up another chick, Mick.
2 Tell her you're gay, Jose.
1 Just show her that sore, Thor.