Fwd: Jokes of the Day -

Albert Camus (1913 - 1960)

Life Insurance is something that keeps a poorman poor all his life so
he can die rich.

Maine Law
You may not step out of a plane in flight.

A teacher asked her class,
"What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four little animals".
The teacher asked,
"Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?"
The little girl said,
"A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a
jackass to pay for it all."
The teacher fainted!


The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her
students on sexual morality.
"In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask
yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of
shame?"
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask:
"How do you make it last an hour?"

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named
Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New
York where before long, she became a successful performer in show
business.
Eventually, she returned to her home town for a visit and on a
Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always
attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking
her about her work.
She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know
what that meant.
She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage.
She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father
Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits,
handsprings and back flips.
Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.
They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other:
"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this
night, and me without me bloomers on!"

Michael:
"I think that the cute little pharmacist down at the chemist is stuck up."
Roy:
"Why do you say that?"
Michael:
"Well, I ask her out every month when I go in to get my herpes and
hemorrhoid medicines, but she just looks at me like I'm a leper or
something."

THINGS NOT TO SAY ON YOUR VALENTINE'S DATE:

Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix alcohol
and penicillin.
I used to come here all the time with my ex.
I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice
on the answering machine every hour.
I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I
wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher
will cut that part off for you if you ask.
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just
won't be as smart as I am.

Knock-Knock.
Who's there?
Willoughby.
Willoughby who?
Willoughby my Valentine?