Fwd: Joke of the Day -
Boldness in business is the first, second, and third thing.
-Thomas Fuller (1608-1661)
Patient: Everyone keeps ignoring me.
Psychiatrist: Next please!
Florida Law
You may not kiss your wife's breasts.
Seeing how the All Blacks were motivated by performing The Haka before
their World Cup games, the other nations were asked to suggest
pre-match rituals of their own....
The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air
and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning about how
they invented the game,and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair
that everyone can beat them now.
The Scotland team will realise they only have fourteen players and
recruit a Jamaican living in East Anglia who has never been north of
Doncaster.
The Ireland team will spilt into two, with the Southern half
performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional
route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents
dressing room.
Unfortunately, the Welsh suggestion has been vetoed by the RSPCA.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition
territory, claim it as their own Las In-Goals-Areas, and then be
forceably removed by the Stewards.
Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important
than the other thirteen, whom they will coral between the posts whilst
they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
The Americans will mot be there until half time. In future years they
will alter the records to show that they were in fact the most
important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called
Saving No 8 Lyle.
Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest
of the side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive in red sports cars, sexually harass the
female stewards and then run away.
The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it, and
then claim that it was all in line with the European grass quotas.
They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.
The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good
salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run around
the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the
ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the
opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the
halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half and burn the
officials.
The Australians will have a Barbie before negotiating lucrative
singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates
to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up all the
women on the touchline.
A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.
"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my
store, the doors opened and an elephant came out.
He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the
jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the
truck pulled away."
The desk sergeant said,
"Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an
Indian elephant or an African elephant?"
"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler.
"Well," said the sergeant, "an African elephant has great big ears and
an Indian elephant has little ears."
"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. "He
had a stocking over his head."
There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be
differentiated by the following method:
General Practitioners know nothing and do little.
Surgeons know little and do everything.
Internists know everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.
Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands
up and down the horses' legs, rump and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked,
"Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure they are healthy, and
in good shape before I buy."
Johnny looked worried,
"Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."
"Why?", asked his father.
"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he definitely
wants to buy Mom."
TOP TEN SIGNS OF JOB BURNOUT
10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go Away"
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately
scream, "Stop asking me all these stupid questions!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "Inbox"!
7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep
because you just don't care.
6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will
go off before your alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.
And the NUMBER ONE sign that you are burned out because of work.....
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
