Fwd: Jokes of the Day -

Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage,
The man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year,
The woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak,
And the neighbors listen.

Kentucky Law
By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she
"cannot hold onto the ground.

A friend of mine heard this on a pre-flight announcement from an
American Airlines pilot:
"On our flight today, we will be flying at 34,000 feet. To give you an
idea of how high that is, we would be able to fly over 50 Empire state
buildings stacked one on top the other.
"Our speed will be about 500 miles per hour. That is just over the
muzzle velocity of the standard military .45 pistol."
"We will be pushed along by two Pratt and Whitney JT-8D-200 turbofan
engines. While thrust to horsepower varies with altitude, the total
40,000 pounds of thrust is greater than the combined power of 10 D-9
diesel locomotives."
"In other words,
We're faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive,
and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, and as always, your
Dallas based crew stands for truth, justice, and the AMERICAN way of
life!"


A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby
if he would be a witness.
The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to
catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there
was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted,
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you
I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid
for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer
Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country
club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said,
"What would you do?"
The cabby said,
"I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

A pompous gentleman once asked the sharp-tongued actress, Mrs. Patrick Campbell,
Hy do you suppose it is that women so utterly lack a sense of humour?"
God did it on purpose," Mrs. Campbell answered without batting an
eyelash, "so that we may love you men instead of laughing at you."


Sven was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for a
janitor at the local Lutheran church.
He applied for the job and the interview went very well.
"You have the job," he was told, "just sign this paper."
Sven made a big "X" on the paper.
"What's that?" he was asked.
"That's my mark."
"You're supposed to sign your name."
"That's my mark," Sven replied, "I cannot read or write."
"What? We're sorry, to work here you have to be able to sign your name."

Well, Sven finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and
eventually he became captain of his own tugboat.
He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own
and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.
One day, the Mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good
example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard
work and ingenuity.
The mayor says,
"Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form."
Sven made a big "X" on the paper.
"What's that?" he was asked.
"That's my mark."
"Your mark?" The mayor asked.
"Aih, I cannot read or write, so that's my mark."
"You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?"
The mayor exclaimed.
"Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!"
"Yes," Sven said. "I could have been a church janitor."


Top 10 Reasons Eve Was Created

10.. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden
because he would not ask for directions.
9.. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and
hand him the TV remote.
8.. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig
leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one
for him.
7.. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist
or haircut appointment for himself.
6.. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to
put the garbage on the curb.
5.. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be
able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4.. As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3.. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God
caught him hiding in the garden.
2.. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve...
1.. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched
His head and said, "I can do better than that."