Fwd: Jokes of the Day -

"Charm is the quality in others that makes us more satisfied with ourselves."
Henri-Frédéric Amiel

If all the world is a stage,
Where is the audience sitting?

Illinois, Fairfield Law
It is unlawful for "Negroes" to be within county boundries from
sundown to sunrise.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start
confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have
begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.
What must hell possibly be like?
Home videos of the same reunion?

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his
doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way
through Parliment.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the
parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't
know until the August Bank holiday.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling,
and you didn't do anything the night before.
You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is
that you are not a hypochondriac.

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.


A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building.
The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
The nonsmoker says,
"Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do
you smoke a day?"
"Four."
"How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"That's over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could
have saved enough money to buy this building."
The smoker takes a deep puff and says,
"Do you smoke?"
"Never."
"Do you own this building?"
"No."
"Well, I do."

The priest is repairing the church fence.
A boy is standing nearby for a long while.
The priest asks him:
"Do you want to speak with me, my son?"
"No, I'm just waiting."
"Waiting for what?"
"Waiting to hear what a priest says when he hits his finger with a hammer."

While on a car trip, an old couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
The old woman unfortunately left her glasses on the table, but didn't
miss them until they were back on the highway.
By then, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a
place to turn around.
The old man fussed and complained all the way back to the restaurant.
When they finally arrived, as the old woman got out of the car to
retrieve her glasses, the old man said,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, too."

My mother and I were walking down the street when a man stopped us.
"I'm taking a survey," he said. "Do you think there is too much sex in movies?"
"I'm not sure," replied my mother. "I get too wrapped up in the film
to notice what the rest of the audience is doing."