Fwd: ADULT PUNS!

There once was a couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
It seems in their haste,
They used Carter's paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.

Inflatable dolls are bi-sexual.
If you over-inflate them, their innies become outties.

John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked,
"What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly.
"I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But not everybody gets their's pregnant."

If sex with 3 people is called
A threesome
And
Sex with 2 people is
A twosome,
Now I understand why they call you handsome!

A cop notices a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over.
As he approached the car he saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel.
There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath.
"I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are
under the influence of alcohol," said the officer.
The woman blew up the balloon and the officer walked it back to the police car.
After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said,
"It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
"You mean it shows that, too?" replied the astonished woman.

Have you heard about the bicentennial prostitute?
She was an independent operator who charged 1776,
It was a great deal,
But
She did it only with Minutemen.

It happened on the corner of Broadway and 47th Street.
The girl leaned against the building, running her fingers through her
bleached hair and smiling more than casually at the male passers-by.
She wore a plaid skirt and a low-cut V-neck sweater.
Finally, one of her come hither looks paid off, and she was approached
by a young man with a familiar glint in his eye.
"Hi," he said, undressing her mentally.
"Hello, handsome."
His eyes focused on her sweater and the curves it almost covered.
"What's the V for?" he asked. "Veronica?"
"Uh-uh. Virgin."
"Oh, come on," he said playfully. "You're a virgin?"
"No," she winked. "It's an old sweater."

Blondes whistle while they pee
To know which lips to wipe.

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking
about their sex lives.
Lucy said,
"I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."
Betty giggled and confessed,
"I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
Lorraine quietly sipped her until Betty finally asked,
"Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"
Lorraine frowned and said,
"The postman."
"Why the postman?" asked Lucy.
"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Sex is like snow.
You never know how many inches your going to get
Or
How long it's going to last.

The gentleman walked briskly into the drug store, strode over to the
pharmacist and said,
"I would like a box of Sex-Lax."
The pharmacist smiled and replied,
"You must mean Ex-Lax."
"No," the man responded, "I don't have any trouble going."

You can tell if a woman used a vibrator while she was pregnant.
The kid stutters.