Fwd: Jokes of the Day -

INTRODUCTION
Courage is the art of being the only one who knows you're scared to death.
-Earl Wilson (1907 - 1987)



Little Johnny asked his grandpa how old he was.
Grandpa answered,
"39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said,
"And how old would you be if you let go?"

Louisana Law
It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a
water pistol.

A young missionary on his first trip to Africa is away from camp
having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom.
This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and
lays down right beside him; so close that the hot warm smell of his
breath is wafting over him.
He is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy.
He closes his eyes, praying... but when he opens them he sees another
approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side
of him.
Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to
return to his Bible reading.
As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.
Moral of the story:
Don't read between the "lions."

A man went to apply for a job.
After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his applications and said,
"We have an opening for people like you."
"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"
"It's called the door!"

One evening, Prince Charming walked into a tavern appearing downtrodden.
Immediately, the bartender turned to Prince Charming and asked him why
he's so glum.
"You wouldn't believe it," the Prince replied. "I was walking through
the Enchanted Forest when suddenly I approached Snow White, fast
asleep on a bed of stone.
The dwarf next to her told me that she had eaten a poisonous apple and
could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips.
I gave her a peck on the cheek.
Nothing.
So I give Snow White a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers.
Nothing.
Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the
woods, when suddenly she screams out,
'Ah yes'!"
"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replied to Prince Charming.
"Then she is alive!"
Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming replied,
"Nah. She faked it."

The Rules

The female always make the rules.
The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No male can possibly know all the rules.
If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately
change some or all of the rules
The female is never wrong.
If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a
direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The female may change her mind at any time.
The male must never change his mind without the express written
consent of the female.
The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to
be angry and/or upset.
The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or
not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.
The male is expected to mind read at all times.
The female is ready when she is ready.
The male must be ready at all times

A few years ago, an old man was enjoying his hundredth birthday party
when a reporter approached him and asked,
"Sir, what is the secret of your longevity?"
The old man thought for a moment, then replied,
"Well, young man, every evening at 7PM I have a glass of red wine.
They say it's good for the heart, you know."
"That's it?" asked the reporter.
"That," the old man said, "and cancelling my voyage on the Titanic."