Fwd: Joke of the Day _
INTRODUCTION
Birthday cake is the only food you can blow on and spit on and
everybody rushes to get a piece.
- Bobby Kelton
Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the
boys accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking.
Hans ran inside to get help, yelling
"Mom! Dad! Come quick!
There's a Franc in Stein!
Indiana, South Bend Law
It is illegal to make a monkey smoke a cigarette.
"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth
control pills. I can't afford to get pregnant!" said Edna to her
friend Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did." replied Enda. "That's why I can't afford to get pregnant!"
Riding the favourite at Cheltenham, a jockey was well head of the field.
Suddenly, he was hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.
He managed to keep control of his mount and pulled back into the lead
only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince
pies as he went over the last fence.
With great skill he managed to steer the horse to the front of the
field once more when, on the run in, he was struck on the head by a
bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.
Thus distracted, he succeeded in coming only second.
He immediately went to the stewards to complain that he had been
seriously hampered.
A ladder was placed against the bedroom window of a burning house, and
a young fireman rushed up.
Inside was a curvy brunette in a see through nightie.
"Aha," said he, "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!"
"But I'm not pregnant," indignantly exclaimed the brunette.
"You're not rescued yet either."
The Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual.....
Instructions for all those with teenage daughters, or who will soon
have a teenage daughter....
Congratulations!
You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter.
Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of
your new daughter,
It answers important questions about your warranty, which does NOT
include the right to return the 'product' to the factory for a full
refund.
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl,
please examine your new daughter carefully.
Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup
& less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth. (except
when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
BREAK-IN PERIOD
When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially
experience a high level of discomfort.
Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized.
This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming
accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety,
and stress.
Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start
acting even worse.
ACTIVATION
To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity
of a telephone or Instant Messenger.
No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN
Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your
teen-aged daughter.
There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the
words "clean" and "neat."
Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers
that last more than an hour.
They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you
must purchase for them because
"like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my Mom and Dad use."
When they have completely drained the hotwater tank, they will step
out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they
will subsequently strew throughout the house.
If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat."
Teenagers are very busy and don't have time to be neat.
They expect others to pick up after them.
These 'others' are called 'parents'.
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased
for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because
"it is like so disgusting."
She doesn't want you to accompany her to these restaurants because
some people might see you and, "like I'm sure I want my friends to see
me eating dinner with my parents".
Either order take-out food or just give her the money.
If you order pizza, never answer the Doorbell because the delivery boy
might see you and,
"Ohmigod he is so hot!"
Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER
Retailers make millions of pounds a year selling stylish & frankly,
sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter.
If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are
available to you.
Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer.
You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before
leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the school door, she
will be wearing something entirely
different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE
Teenaged daughters require one or two levels of maintenance: "high,"
and "ultra high."
Of course, YOUR daughter is "ultra high".
This means that whatever you do won't be enough, and whatever you try,
won't work.
WARRANTY
This product is without defect because she has "your" genes, for heaven's sake!
If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious.
Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes
for her to become a woman; which in her opinion, has already happened,
and as far as you are concerned, never really will.
If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect?
In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back
under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still
there -
You just have to look for her.
Go ahead, try it -- you just might find her!
Top 10 signs that you know it's time to join e-mailers anonymous.
10. You wake up at 3a.m. to go to the bathroom, and check your email
on the way back to bed.
9. Your firstborn is named dotcom.
8. You turn off your modem and are suddenly filled with a feeling of
emptiness, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
7. You spend half of a plane trip with you laptop in your lap...and
your child in the overhead compartment.
6. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free Internet access.
5. You find yourself typing "com" after every period.com
4. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
3. You move into a new home and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
DRUM ROLL PLEASE
AND THE NO. 1 SIGN THAT YOU KNOW IT'S TIME TO JOIN E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:
1. Immediately after reading this list, you email it to someone.
