Fwd: Adult Puns

XXXX ADULT PUNS

Said the gent to the belle from Virginia,
"After all that I've done now to win ya!
Dinners, movies and plays
And it's always me pays --
Tell me: what does it take to get in ya?"

Being a premature ejaculator has its advantages.
I made 10 phone-sex calls last month, and my total bill was just five dollars.

A fellow meets a girl at cocktail time and before midnight they are engaged.
Next morning, he presents her with the ring.
That afternoon, he buys her a mink coat, a beautiful gown, nylon
stockings, silk undies, and a revealing silk negligee.
And that same night, everything is off.

A Cub Scout becomes a Boy Scout
When
He eats his first Brownie.

He's 87 and she's 86 years old.
They just got married and are on their honeymoon.
In the Hotel room, she slips into something sexy, and crawls into bed,
and waits for her new groom.
He's in he bathroom sprucing himself up.
She waits, and waits 'til she can't wait any longer.
She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door.
Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom.
She asks,
"Honey, what are you doing?" and giggles. "I'm 86 years old and can't
get pregnant anymore."
He looks up at her and says,
"I know, but honey, you know how the dampness effects my arthritis."

The difference between a boxer and a woman is;
A boxer stands up to get knocked down
And
A woman lies down to get knocked up.

Adam & Eve discovered how to make love.
God was so happy, He came down to earth himself to congratulate the two.
He finds Adam and congratulates him.
He then asked where Eve was?
Adam told him that Eve was down at the river freshening up.
God yelled "What?" and took off towards the river.
About 5 minutes later God comes back, shaking his head.
Adam asked God,
"Did you find her?"
"Yes," God replies. "But I'm never going to get that smell out of the fish."

A blonde prepares for safe sex,
By putting on rubber based lipstick.

Two of the ladies in the neighborhood whom Maury was accustomed to
visit on a provisional basis were chatting over coffee one morning:
"Y'know what that rascally Maury did last night? He knocked on my door
about 11 p. M., didn't he? Just as I had gotten into my silk PJs and
was headed to bed. Y'know how clever he is. I went to the door, and
there he was, bigger'n life, with a most unusual presentation of the
string of pearls that he had brought for me. I just had to ask him
in."
"And what did you say to him?" --
"I said 'Wjaddya think I am, a Jezebel who'll see you at any time of
the day? And for a string of pearls? I don't want you to see me in
this light!'"
"And what was Maury's reaction to that?" --
"Oh, he didn't say anything; he's ever so infernally clever. He just
turned out the lamp."


A ninety-year-old man was accused of rape,
But
The case was dismissed because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.

Did you hear about the man who had peculiar sexual proclivities?
He was into "golden showers."
So, his lover paid final tribute by peeing into his coffin.
He's now resting in piss.

I believe in circumcision.
After all,
It's no skin off my nose.