Jokes of the Day -
INTRODUCTION
"Cherish all your happy moments: they make a fine cushion for old age."
Christopher Morley (1890 - 1957)
Q. If all the cars in the country were pink, what would we have?
A. A pink car nation.
Indiana Law
No one may catch a fish with his bare hands.
At the construction site of a new church,
The contractor stopped to chat with one of his workmen.
"Paddy," he asked casually, "didn't you once tell me that you had a
brother who was a bishop?"
"That I did, sir."
"And you are a bricklayer! It sure is a funny world. Things in life
aren't divided equally, are they?"
"No, that they ain't sir," agreed Paddy, as he proudly slapped the
mortar along the line of bricks. "Me poor brother couldn't do this to
save his life!"
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him,
and as he sits down, the waitress comes over and asks for their
order.
The man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich.
"What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
"That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says,
"I'll have the same."
Once again, the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
salad," says the man.
"Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says,
"That will be $12.62."
Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
I found an old lamp.
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first
wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, just put my hand in
my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks,
"One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with
everything I say."
A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains
to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk "shop".
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't
really that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to
do a seven-day experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.
It's now 7 days later and they're all together to discuss the experience.
Father O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has
various bandages goes first.
"Wellll," he says in a fine Irish brogue, "Ey wint oot into th' wooods
to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him
from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do
WI me und begun to slap me aboot. So, I quick grrabbed me holy water
and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gintle as a lamb. The bishop
is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und
confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob speaks next.
He's in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. Drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims,
"WELL brothers....you KNOW that we don't sprinkle........WE DUNK! I
went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from
God's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I
SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and
we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN
another untill we come to a crick. So'se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE
his hairy soul. An' jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's HOOOOLY
word."
They both look down at the rabbi who's laying in a hospital bed.
He's in a body cast & traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.
The rabbi looks up and says
"Oy! You don't know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of
those creatures."
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth.
He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a
story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said,
"No?"
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up
with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according
to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands
in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries
right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them
into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over
again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!!
Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her
teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed,
"I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"
The secret of making a marriage last.
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York.
3. I take my wife everywhere,
But
She keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.
Then she said,
"There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So, I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water
in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was,
She told me,
"In the lake."
8. My wife is on a new diet.
Coconuts and bananas.
She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?"
The driver said,
"No, jump in!"
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