XX - Adult Puns!

Mrs. Custer grabs the artist.
"Oh! I tell you I want a painting commemorating my husband's last thoughts.
You give me cows with halos and Indians making love?"
"Mrs. Custer," he says, "Those are your husband's last thoughts.
'Holy Cow! Look at all those f**king Indians.'"

It's is smarter to cop a feel than to feel a cop,

A pharmacist told his new assistant to he polite to every customer that came in.
"If you re stuck for conversation, talk about the weather," he advised.
When the pharmacist came back from having his dinner, the assistant
was sporting a lovely black eye.
"So, much for your advice" moaned the assistant.
"What happened? Asked the pharmacist.
"Well, this woman came in for a packet of sanitary napkins.
Trying to make conversation, I said that it looked like it was qoing
to be a dull weekend…

A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season,
but when gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and
starts kicking up dust.
The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to
race,so he calls the vet.
The vet tells him to tie a bedsheet around the filly's rump to keep
the stallion away.
So, that day, the farmer does just that.
The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's
solution worked, but the filly's nowhere to be found.
The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbour's farm and sees the
neighbour's kid out by their barn.
"Hey boy, did you see a filly run by with a bedsheet tied around her
rump?" the farmer asks.
The kid replies,
"No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a
handkerchief sticking out of her ass!!"

"I think we should go Dutch," the nurse said to the doctor in the
dimly lit restaurant.
"You pay for dinner and the movie, and the rest of your night can be on me."

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for
the toaster she bought because it doesn't work.
The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought
it on special.
All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
" Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager.
The manager comes up to the woman and asks,
"What's wrong?"
She explains the situation with the toaster.
He tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming,
"Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!"
In shock, the store manager pleads,
"Ma'am, why are you saying that?"
In a huff, the woman says,
"Because, I like to have my breasts grabbed when I'm getting screwed!"
She got her refund!!

The blonde had two chances to get pregnant.
She blew it both times!