Week Jokes

MONDAY The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her
daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,the
mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother,
saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY Aman went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake
the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,'Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find
her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent
and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor
apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the
charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own
defense. 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he
could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be
disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?' After several seconds of quiet,
a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his   hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at
the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy
25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with
her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and
listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all
aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd
you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my
wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you
persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What,
did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told
her I was 90.'

SUNDAY
 Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As
they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the
process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She
showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are   the older goats put out to pasture when
they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America
with your old goats?' A spry old gentleman answered,
'They send us on bus tours!