XXX - Adult Puns!

A Greek and Italian were talking one day discussing who had the
superior culture.
Over coffee the Greek says,
"Well, we have the Parthenon."
The Italian replies,
"We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts,
"We Greeks gave birth to mathematics"
The Italian, nodding, says,
"But we built the Roman Empire."
And, so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will
end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says,
"We invented sex!"
The Italian replies,
"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

Cops shoot farther.

An out-of-towner becomes friendly with Thelma, the wait- ress in his
hotel coffee shop, and invites her up to his room.
She is indignant.
The guy says,
"Don't get excited. This is all in the Bible."
Thelma is appeased, and after her shift they go out and have a few drinks.
Again the man invites her up to his room, and again she is angry.
The man explains,
"It's in the Bible."
An hour later they're in the guy's hotel room and he suggests they
undress and have some fun.
He assures Thelma that it isn't sinful since it's in the Bible.
"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"
Taking the Bible from the hotel nightstand, he opens it to the front
cover where someone has written,
"Thelma the waitress is a great lay."

I went to an extremely sexy female doctor today for my annual checkup.
She told me that I had to quit masturbating.
I asked why and she said,
"Because I'm trying to examine you."

There once was a yellow frog and all the other frogs used to tease him.
So, one day he went to an old witch and asked if she could change him to green.
The witch said she could and she said the magic words.
The frog was green!
But when the frog looked down he said,
"Witch, my private parts are still yellow!"
The witch said,
"I don't do private parts; you'll have to go to my sister down the road."
And so off the frog went.
Later that day a blue deer came to ask the witch to change him to brown.
The witch did.
Then he too saw that his private parts were blue.
"What about my private parts?"
The witch told him to go to his sister's house and she'd change his
private parts to brown. The deer said,
"I'm not very good with directions. How do I get there?"
The witch said,
"Oh that's easy, just follow the yellow dicked toad!"

The nipple on a Jewish wife's breast is just the tip of the iceberg.

A drunk wandered down the street looking for a whorehouse to frequent,
but he stumbled into a podiatrist's office by mistake!
When he walked in, the nurse told him to go behind a curtain and put
it through the hole. He did as he was told.
The nurse screamed,
"That's not a foot!"
"I didn't know there was a minimum!" shouted the drunk.

Men are like... Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw, they lose interest.

Bill rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes to the lobby to put his
name on the group mailbox.
While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the
apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.
Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him.
As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has
nothing on under the robe.
Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, he places her hand on his arm and says,
"Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..."
Bill follows her into the apartment.
Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off
completely.
Now completely nude, she purrs,
"What would you say is my best feature?"
The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several
times, and finally squeaks out,
"Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!"
She's astounded!
"Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They' re full, they don't sag,
and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no
cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best
feature?"
Clearing his throat once again,
Bill stammers,
"Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone
coming... That was me!"

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!

A guy goes to a house of prostitution.
He selects a girl, pays her $200 up front, and he gets undressed.
She's about to take off her sheer blue negligee, when the fire alarm rings!
She runs out of the room, with his $200 still in her hand.
He quickly grabs his clothes and runs out after her.
He's searching the building, but the smoke gets too heavy, so he runs
outside looking for her.
By this time, the firemen are there.
He sees one of them and asks,
"Did you see a beautiful blonde, in a sheer blue negligee, with $200
in her hand?"
The fireman says,
"No!"
The guy then says,
"Well if you do see her, f*ck her. She's paid for!"