XX - Adult Puns!

Sex is evil.
Evil is sin.
Sins are forgiven.
So stick it in.

A little boy came home from playing outside one day.
He was huffing and puffing, like he was winded.
All of sudden, the boy's father heard a kitten squalling like it was
extremely uncomfortable. He turned around and looked.
Sure enough, there's his son -- holding a kitten - obviously no more
than 6 weeks old! "What have you got there, son?"
"It's especially for you, Dad," the boy replied.
The father asked,
"What do you mean?"
"Remember the other night, you told Mom you wanted 'a little pussy?'
"Well, I heard you, and I went out and got you one!"

Premature Ejaculation:
The come before the scorn.

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.
The first guy says,
"Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
"You're kidding!" exclaims the pal. "I can't even manage to do it
once! What's your secret? "Well, the secret is to eat lots of
whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!" says the guy.
So, the second old man rushes to the local deli.
"May I help you?" asks the deli man.
The old guy replies,
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."
"That's a lot of bread!" says the deli man.
"It's sure to get hard before you're done!"
"Damn!" exclaims the old man. "Does EVERYONE know about this except me?"

"I always worry when you leave for a weekend with the guys," sobbed
the pretty young wife.
"Don't worry about me, babe," he soothed her. "I'll be back before you know it."
"I know," she sighed. "That's what worries me."

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when
the customer purchased an artificial vagina.
"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.
"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and
thoroughly offended. "Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl.
"The only reason I'm asking is that if it is food, we don't have to
charge you sales tax.

A traveling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed
a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye.
In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had
known her all his life.
Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. And Mrs.
After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk
that he was checking out.
The clerk presented him with his bill for $7,600.
"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."
"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month.

The stock market is like an old man's dick, just refusing to rise.
The irony is that everyone is still getting screwed.

A few years ago a man who was openly gay was elected as the Mayor of
Key West, Florida.
After the election results were in, a hoard of reporters surrounded
him and began asking him questions on how he won.
A young reporter walked up to him and said:
"Mr. Mayor, I understand that you used a basic grass roots campaign to
win, met lots of people, shook lots of hands, kissed lots of babies...
I even heard that you kissed a parakeet."
The mayor relied:
"That's right young man, I brought the campaign to the people, but I
must correct you on one point, I did not kiss a parakeet... I kissed a
Cock-or-two."

Two tall trees are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other:
"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.
The tall tree says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies:
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my
friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.