XX - Adult Puns!

There was this guy who really took care of his body and jogged six
miles every day.
One morning he looked into the mirror and admired his body and noticed
that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis, which
he readily decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed, buried himself in the
sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.
About that time two little old ladies came strolling along the beach,
one using a cane.
On seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it
round with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady saying,
"There is no justice in the world."
The other little old lady said,
"What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady said,
"Look at that." When I was 20 I was curious about it.  When I was 30
enjoyed it. When I was 40 I asked for it. When I was 50 I paid for it.
When I was 60 I prayed for it. When I was 70 I forgot about it. And
now that I am 80, the damned thing is growing wild, and I'm too old to
squat."

Joe and Tom were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," Joe said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!"
"What's the rush?"
Tom asked.
Joe replied
"The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!"

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument
about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said,
"Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so
obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it
and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear
or your finger?"

Walruses go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.

A father was explaining the facts of life to his teenage son.
"One thing to keep in mind, son, is that different women say different
things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing. For
example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For
example, a prostitute will tend to say,
"Are you done yet?"
On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask,
"Are you done already?"
A school teacher will say,
"We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!"
A nurse will say,
"This won't hurt one bit."
A bank teller will say,
"Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
A stewardess will say,
"Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."
"And what does mother say?"
She says,
"Beige, beige, I think we should paint the ceiling beige."

Coffins for blondes are shaped like a triangle because every time
their heads hit a pillow, their legs spread open.

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist,
"I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?"
The pharmacist replied,
"Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not
pesticide. They're on aisle 4."
"No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer.
"Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining,
"PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm.
I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide."
"Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on
it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it."

Red Riding Hood:
A Russian condom.

A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers.
The little boy says,
"Please be quiet, sir. My mother is a prostitute and works all night.
She sleeps during the day."
The salesman scratches his head and says,
"Well, I'll be a son of a bitch"
The little boy replies,
"I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's
doorbells and telling them about it."