XX - ADULT PUNS!

Some are crude

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to
asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to fill in Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday.
"I can't," says the woman. "On those days my husband is home, and I
have a headache."

To get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm,
Call her and tell her where you are.

One day Jason comes home from school, goes straight to his father and asks,
"What is fornication, Dad?"
Jason gets the same answer all Jewish fathers give:
Why don't you ask your mother, Son?"
So, Jason goes into the kitchen and asks his mother,
"What is fornication Mom? Dad said you would know."
His mother replies,
"I'm busy right now Jason, why don't you go and ask your bubbe?
She will tell you."
So Jason goes upstairs to his bubbe's room, knocks on her door and shouts,
"Please, Bubbe, what is fornication? No one here seems to know."
Bubbe says,
"Come inside, tatteleh."
She then takes him to her closet, opens the door, takes out a
beautiful full-length pink, beaded evening dress and says,
"Now, this, tatteleh, is foranoccasion!"

Parents:
Couples who practice the Rhythm Method.

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months.
He walks to work 20 blocks every day
And passes a shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window
To admire the Boccelli leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much, it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church
basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli
leather shoes for the first time. He asks Sophia to dance and as they
dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'
Startled, Sophia replies,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?'
Gennaro answers,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do
you like them?'
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,
'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'
Rosa answers,
'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?'
He replies,
'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do
you like them?'
Now, as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played,
Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.
Midway through the dance his face Turns red.
He states, '
Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no
panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!'
Carmela smiles coyly and answers,
'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'
Gennaro gasps,
'Thanka God, I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

The Federal Witness Protection Program has come up with a sure-fire
method for making absolutely certain that people entering the program
are never found by anyone. They just change the witness's name to G.
Spot.

A midget gets married to a regular sized girl and they go on their honeymoon.
When the midget gets back home, a friend asks him how was his honeymoon.
He said,
"It was OK but I was a little disappointed."
His friend asks him why he was disappointed.
He replies,
"Well, when we were nose to nose, my toes were in it. When we were
toes to toes, my nose was in it. And when I was in it, there was no
one to talk to."

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked,
You should sniff some Windex first.
It'll keep you from streaking.

A girl entered the family bathroom unexpected while her father was bathing.
She let out a shriek, then ran out of the room...
"Mommy, mommy! Daddy has a big, ugly snake in the tub with him!" the
girl screamed. "It's not a snake, honey," her mother began to explain,
"it's part of Daddy's body--an important part. In fact, if Daddy
didn't have it, you wouldn't be here."
As the child ran off to play, her mother thought to herself,
"And neither would I!"