X - Adult Puns.

"I can't believe that you and Claire are splitting up," said John to
his friend Pete.
"I've always thought of you as the perfect couple, that you'd be
together forever.
Surely you can sort things out, it can't be that bad, can it?"
"Well" explained Pete, "We were driving through a red light district
last night when Claire said:
"Oh look, it's one of those hookers, or prossies, or whores or
whatever you call them."
And I said:
'It's Kelly. Her name is Kelly.'"
John fell silent for a moment, and then said:
"So who do you think will get to keep the house?"

Little Johnny was talking to a friend, complaining about his mom.
He said,
"My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through
her mental pause."

On the eve of the couple's 10th wedding anniversary, the still slim
wife was bragging about her figure.
"You know, honey," she said, "I can still get into the same skirts I
did before we were married."
"Yeah?" the husband replied, "I wish to hell I could."

When the bride found out her husband was gay,
She turned around and took it like a man.

A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall.
In fact, he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow.
With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that
would be a good venue to reach more people.
With this in mind he went to the local TV station.
The farmer said,
"I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to
advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of
all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans..."
The sales manager said,
"Ok, Ok, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this
amount of prime advertising time?"
The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly,
"I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."
"$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!! The
current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super
Bowl! For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to
reach the audience!"
The farmer very evenly replied,
"I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood! I'm just
farting around."

The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating.
Only 10% enters the female.
And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

"Dad, why does love-making makes you feels good?"
"Just like digging in your nose, it's feels good, right!"
"Why is it that guys don't usually feel as good as gals?"
"Just like when you dig in your nose, it's your nose that feel good,
not your finger!"
"Then, why do gals feel bad when they are raped?"
"If a stranger comes along and digs in your nose, will you feel the same way?"
"When girls are having their menstruation, why don't they usually want
to have sex?"
"If your nose is bleeding, will you still want your nose to be dug?"
"Dad, one last question, why don't guys like to wear condoms when they
make love?" "Would you want to wear a glove when you dig your nose?"

A cave-dwelling virgin is called "Never Bin Laidon".

The bar room was crowded.
All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.
The barkeep asked,
"What's the trouble, Sweetie?"
She sobbed,
"I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me
because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"
Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.

An elderly couple were in church.
The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband,
"I just let out a long silent fart... What should I do?"
The husband replied,
"Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."