XX - Adult Puns!

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled
by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy
income and good looks.
In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with
him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there
some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her,
"Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the
phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what
you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

Give an example of "Complete business failure due to professional negligence":
A pregnant prostitute!

Little Johnny paints a sign that reads:
"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME."
He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a shade
tree in Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.
Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone, so she paints a bigger
sign that reads:
"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL."
She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both sit in
front of Kathy's yard. Johnny's pissed.
How dare that GIRL?
Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy across the street saying,
"Let's get some laughs."
"Say, Kathy, you move ANYTHING?"
"Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you."
"Roy, give me your nickel!"
Johnny takes it and hands it to Kathy.
"What you want moved, boy?"
"Move my BOWELS!" Johnny said and starts laughing.
So, Kathy kicked the shit out of him.

When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes," but not with you.

A 60-year-old woman goes to her doctor for her annual physical.
He examines her thoroughly and says,
'Well, I've got good news and bad news for you. The good news is that
you are in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong with
you.'
She then asked,
'What's the bad news?'
The doctor said,
'I'm a little surprised, but you're pregnant!'
She flew out of his office, ran home and called her husband at work.
When he answered, she blurted out,
'You stupid old goat -- you got me pregnant!'
After a long pause,
He said,
'I'm sorry, but who is that calling?'

Ricky and his sister walked into the bank and dumped bagfuls of change
on the counter. "My goodness!" said the teller, "did you two hoard all
of this?"
"Uh-uh" said Ricky. "My sister whored, I only pimped."

Nancy and Rita were always trying to get the other's goat and today
they were meeting for lunch together.
Nancy noticed that Rita was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.
Rita replied,
"Oh nothing. It's just that if my husband were any bigger I couldn't take it."
Nancy replied,
"I know! I know!!!"

It's an age-old truism.
Men will quickly fall asleep after having sex.
And I know why, too.
It's because they've been up half the night begging for it.

A woman who works for the state of California got a call from a man
who paused when she told him the name of her agency.
He then asked her to repeat it.
"It's the Governor's Office for Elderly Affairs," she told him again.
There was another pause.
"For gosh sakes, sign me up," he said. "I didn't do too well when I was young."

The impotent bus driver goes to see his doctor.
He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it.
The doc prescribes it for him, he heads to the pharmacist, who fills
the prescription.
Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the
little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his
wife with words.
That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes.
They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed.
He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times.
*Three times! *
He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad.
"What's wrong, dear?" he asks.
"I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's
doing you in," she sighs. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages,
and then three come all at once!"