XX - Adult Puns!

Did you hear about the British sex pervert who broke into a gift shop
and performed lewd acts with the porcelain figures?
They charged him with statue Tory rape.
Apparently, he is a Hummel sexual.

This guy went into a bar and ordered a beer.
He happened to look down the bar and see a man sitting there with a
head the size of a cue ball!
So, he walked down and said to the man,
"Excuse me sir, I don't mean to be rude but I noticed you have a small
head. Is this a birth defect?"
The man said,
"No, I got this in the war. My ship was torpedoed by the German's in
WWII. I was the only survivor on the ship so I swam to shore. One day
a mermaid swam up to me and said she would grant me three wishes. For
my first wish I wanted to return to the U.S. The mermaid granted that
wish. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Wish
granted. My third wish was to have sex with the mermaid.
She said,
'I can't grant that wish because mermaids can't have sex.'"
So I said,
"How about a little head?"

The effect of taking Viagra, Prozac, and castor oil at the same time
is you don't care if you're coming or going.

A woman brought a picture into a frame shop to be framed.
"I have just the thing," the shopkeeper said.
He disappeared into the back room and returned with several frames.
"Which one would you like?" he asked.
"The burgundy one," the woman answered.
Thinking about how it would be fastened to a wall, the shopkeeper
turned the frame over, studied the back and said to the woman,
"Do you want a screw for this frame?"
The woman gasped and bellowed,
"What kind of girl do you think I am?"

One determined young woman finally got so fed up with her shy
boyfriend's fumbling advances she decided to put him in her place.

If marriages are made in heaven, where are the brides maid?

The best thing about dating homeless girls is you can drop them off anywhere

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new
Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to
her, he replied, "Can't, it's Lent."
In tears, she remarked,
"Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did
you lend it to, and for how long?"