PUNS OF THE DAY...

  I am sure of this:
  If you marry a widow,
  You won't wed amiss.

I recently lost a lot of money at the poker table.
I was dealt some good hands--high pair, two pair-- but my opponents
kept getting dealt flushes and straights.
So, the whole night I was completely flush-straightened.

"The reception on the shortwave radio is clearer now," Tom said ecstatically.

"You know," I said, "that Sherlock Holmes was remarkable for his great dignity."
"He was?" said my victim, undoubtedly searching his memory of the stories.
"Oh, yes," I said gravely, "I‚m sure you have often heard of the
stately Holmes of England."

Egotist:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Although Sigmund Freud was addicted to cocaine, he actually died when
one day after taking a bath.
Getting out of the tub he slipped and fractured his skull killing him instantly.
Might this be another Freudian slip?

Little Gordon's dad had been promising for years that he could have a
hunting bow when he turned 12.
On his birthday he unwrapped his gift box revealing the long-sought-for bow.
Yet, Gordon was still disappointed.
"But dad, where are the arrows?"
His cautious father replied,
I never promised you arrows, Gordon."

A man tried to drive across a state line with a dog sitting in a pan
of quinine water.
When he explained to the state police that his dog was under
treatment, they said,
"You can't bring in a dog like that.This is a catatonic state."

A banker married an attractive widow with two beautiful teenage daughters.
After several weeks, gossip established that the banker was making it
out well with his step-daughters.
One day, a friend cornered him and said,
"Clyde, I don't mean to pry, but people are saying you pay more
attention to your step-daughters than your wife."
The banker replied,
"Of course I do, why should I touch my principle when I'm doing so
well with my interest."

My doctor thought I had a brain tumour.
But after extensive testing they found there was nothing there.

When I was just beginning to take an interest in the opposite sex I
remember my slightly prejudicial Mom telling me,
"Son, when you grow up, you can marry any girl you please."
Later on, as a young man, I learned the fallacy of that statement,
when it became quite apparent to me that I was having one hell of a
hard time trying to please any of them.

Lump Settlement:
What you get from Workman's Comp if you get hit on the head at work.

A professor stood before his class of senior organic biology students,
about to hand out the final exam.
"I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester.
I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to
medical school after summer.
So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been
celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out
of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."
There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to
the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer.
As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the
handful of remaining students and asked,
"Anyone else? This is your last chance."
One final student rose up and opted out of the final.
The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining.
"I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."

The transvestite asked the shop girl where she lived,
So she gave him a dress.

A senile old man sitting on the park bench crying.
A guy walks up to him and says,
"What's the matter, buddy?"
The old man responds,
"I have the best life in the world.
I have a beautiful home.
I have great kids, and wonderful grandchildren.
I'm married to a gorgeous woman forty years younger than I who can
cook like nobody's business.
We make love every day, and she's amazing at it.
I have all the money I could ever need.
It's great!"
"So why are you crying?"
"I can't remember the way home!"