Sunday Laffs!

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home.
She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot.
It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" She asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said:
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said:
"New house, new Madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said:
"New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Ray, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said:
"Hi Ray!"
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A man picks up a hooker and takes her back to his place.
She informs him that her services will cost him a grand total of $5.
The man gladly hands over the money and they dance the horizontal mambo.
A few days later the man is visiting his doctor and discovers that he
has crabs.
The man storms out of the office to find the hooker.
She's on the same street corner where he picked her up before.
He runs to her and screams,
"You gave me crabs!"
She replies,
"For five dollars what were you expecting lobster?"
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Q: Why did the Siamese twins go to England?
A: So that the other one could drive!

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide and drives a woman crazy?
A: Hundred dollar bills!
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Two brothers were raised on a farm, one brother moved to town.
Every year, the city brother would come out to visit the farmer brother.
Every time he came out, the farmer brother was complaining about his crops.
It was too hot or too cold, too wet or too dry, prices were low, the
crops looked bad.
As the city brother was driving out one year, he noticed the crops
looking great.
He had the radio on and crops were hitting an all time high.
As he got out to the farm, here was the farmer brother sitting in a
rocking chair with a grumpy looking on his face.
The city brother asked why he was in a bad mood.
The crops looked great, the right amount of rain, temp., and prices
were setting records highs.
The farmer brother said:
"You know what a crop like this takes out of the soil?"
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ATTITUDE!
Ability is what you are capable of doing.
Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude determines how well you do it.
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Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the
night, In search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in
'the act'.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims:
"Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out:
"Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman
usually gets bucked off!"
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