Laff a day!
New Zealand farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when
the local minister comes walking around the corner.
The minister says:
"My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating.
You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"
The farmer says:
"I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her."
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"I am a deeply superficial person."
---Andy Warhol
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They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.
It's called:
Genitalia.
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Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs?
A: So they won't be mistaken for feminists.
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I was the nurse caring for a couple's newborn first child, a son,
after his cesarean birth.
Since the mother was asleep under general anaesthesia we took our tiny
charge directly to the
new-born nursery to introduce him to his daddy.
While cuddling his son for the first time, he noticed the baby's ears
conspicuously standing out from his head.
He expressed his concern that some kids might call his son names like "Dumbo."
The pediatrician reassured the new dad that his son was healthy, the
ears could be easily corrected during childhood.
The father still worried about his wife's reaction to those large
protruding ears.
"She doesn't take things as easily as I do," he worried.
By this time, the new mother was ready to meet her precious son.
I placed the tiny bundle in his mother's arms and eased the blanket
back so that she could gaze upon her child for the first time.
She took one look at her baby's face and looked to her husband and gasped:
"Oh, Honey! Look! He has your ears!"
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A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case.
The problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said:
"Your honour. I brought The child Into the world with all the pain and labour.
The child Should be in my custody. "
The judge turned to the husband and said:
"What do you have to Say in your defence?"
The man sat for a while contemplating. ..then slowly rose.
"Your honour... If I put a dollar in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a
Pepsi Comes out...whose Pepsi is it... The machine's or mine?"
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An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says:
"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature
and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an
Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and
tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't
marry her because of my
personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
Townhouse, a beach front Villa and a €2m bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a €4m
bank Account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and €2m each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do.
What do you suggest?"
At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a
hand firmly on the man's
Shoulder and tells him:
"You can sh*g her again."
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A salesman, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist all used to
meet at the coffee shop each morning before work.
All were married except the salesman.
Finally, the salesman got married, and, while he was away on his
honeymoon, the others continued to meet.
"I think we ought to have a little fun with Joe," suggested the carpenter.
"I'll sneak into his house and weaken the bed-slats."
"And I can do some hot-wiring in the mattress," suggested the electrician.
"Well," smiled the dentist, "I'm not going to tell you what I'll do.
Just wait and see."
The morning after his return from the honeymoon, the salesman stomped into
The coffee shop.
"Ya know fellas, I didn't mind the bed slats collapsing.
And I didn't even mind the hot-wiring so much either.
But I sure as hell could have killed the guy who mixed Novocaine in
with the Vaseline!!"
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Trivia.
The son of a lowly bookie, Peter O'Toole attended a Catholic school
where the nuns beat him to correct his left-handedness.
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