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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

grandmas don't know everything!

Little Amden was playing in the backyard with some other boys and
girls.
Soon he came running in and asked, "Grandma, what is it called when two
people sleep in the same bed and one is on top of the other one?"

Grandma was slightly taken aback, but decided that she would be
truthful and address this question honestly. "It's called sexual intercourse."

Little Amden simply said, "Oh, OK", and ran back outside to rejoin the
children at play.

It wasn't very long until he returned and said,
angrily, "Grandma, it's not called sexual intercourse - it's called
bunk beds! And Timmy's mother wants to talk to you!"

An Irish toast - a little raunchy

Toast Master John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life! Between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
Toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep,
and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Monday, July 30, 2007

XX - Poems found in toilets

A little raunchy..

THE "FUTURE" IS IN YOUR HAND , HOLD IT GENTLY"

Excellent poems by not so famous poets... found on toilet doors and
walls.......
...
A budding poet trying his best...

Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.

Before he graduated to be a poet, he wrote this...

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted

Someone who had a different experience wrote,

You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!

Perhaps it's true that people find inspiration in
toilets.

I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.

There are also people who come in for a different
purpose...

Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come
here to scratch my balls ,
And read the bullshit on the walls...

Toilets walls also double as job advertisement
space.......

(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Singapore Fire Department wants you.

Ministry of Environment advertisement.

We aim to please!
You aim too! Please

On the inside of a toilet door:

Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.

And finally, this should teach some a lesson...
Sign seen at a restaurant:

The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim
properly.

Senior Dating Advice

Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know
you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about
him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at
7P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me
such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury
car......... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner........ a marvelous dinner... Lobster,
champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so
much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an
ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and
has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

Yes, well

As reported by The New York Times...

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist
threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody
Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"
warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in
France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by
a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively
paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of
alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain:
"Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful
Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also
have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only
threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new
Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

THE TOURIST PRAYER

Heavenly Father, look down on us your humble obedient tourist
servants, who are doomed to travel this earth taking photographs,
mailing postcards, buying souvenirs and walking around in drip-dry
underwear.

We beseech you, oh lord, to see that our luggage is not lost and our
overweight baggage goes unnoticed at the check-in.

Give us this day, divine guidance in the selection of our hotels, that
we may find our reservations honored, our rooms made up and hot water
running from the faucets.

Lead us dear lord, to good inexpensive restaurants, where the food is
superb, the waiters friendly and wine included in the price of the
meal.

Give us wisdom to tip correctly in currencies we do not understand.
Forgive us for under tipping out of ignorance and over tipping out of
fear. Make the natives love us for what we are and not for what we can
contribute to their worldly goods.

Grant us the strength to visit the museums, the palaces and castles
listed as musts in the guide books. And if, perchance, we skip an
historical monument to take a nap after lunch, have mercy on us for
our flesh is weak.

FOR THE MEN / HUSBANDS
Dear lord, keep our wives from shopping sprees and protect them from
bargains they don't need or can't afford. Lead them not into
temptation for they know not what they do.

FOR THE LADIES / WIVES
Almighty god, keep our husbands from looking at the foreign women and
comparing them to us. Save them from making fools of themselves in
cafes and nightclubs. Above all do not forgive them their trespasses
for they know exactly what they do.

FOR EVERYONE
And when our voyage is over and we return to our loved ones, grant us
the favour of finding someone who'll look at our home movies and
listen to our stories, so our lives as tourists will not have been in
vain.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (20 km.p.h. over the limit),a
woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other
side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and, with that classic
patronizing smirk we all know so well, asked,
"And love, what's your hurry?"
She replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what the hell does
a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then I
work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole
hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in.
Then, I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 footasshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket: #105.00
Court Costs: #45.00.
Look on Cop's Face: PRICELESS

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Best Pickup Line

A man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was
just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch?" "What's so
special about it?"

The man explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"

The man smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

I am feeling depressed and let down.

I am feeling depressed and let down. So please take your time to read ...
I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain
letters to me in 2006 & 2007. Because of your kindness:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for
removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle
infected with AIDS.
* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they
cause cancer.
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and
sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to
dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls
to Uganda , Singapore and Tokyo.
* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will
get sick from the rat feces and urine.
* When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot
she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take
my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl
that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl!
she's been 7 since 1993...)
* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I
participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.
* My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes
for a paid vacation to Disneyland.
* Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to
transfer his uncle property of some hundred millions $.
* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those special
instructions to make my wishes. now most of those 'Wishes' are already
married (to someone else)

IMPORTANT NOTE:

If you do not send this e-mail to at least 1246 people
in the next 10 seconds, a bird will SH** on your head today at
6:30pm.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

XX - The Best Chain Letter Ever

Hello, my name is Jack and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding
50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that
if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on
her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before
her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and
everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?

How stupid are we?

"Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get
laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!"

What a bunch of CRAP.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and
sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was
started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims
on the Mayflower.

If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly
amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and
this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a
nickeL from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually
contributing to by sending out these forwards.
Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to
leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If
it's funny, send it on.

Don't tick people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in
Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the butt of a dead elephant
for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll
receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know.

Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will
consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

P.S. Send me 20 bucks

Quotes from President Bush

May I Quote You, Mr. President?

A selection of 50 quotes from President George W. Bush, for
entertainment or meditation by Prof. Rodrigue Tremblay

Global Research, November 19, 2006

http://www.thenewamericanempire.com/blog.html

A man lost in his geography:

1-"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe ."
George W. Bush

2-"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
George W. Bush

3-"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
George W. Bush

A man lost in his logic:

4-" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. "
George W. Bush

5-"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
George W. Bush

6-"These people are trying to shake the will of the Iraqi citizens,
and they want us to leave...I think the world would be better off if
we did leave..."
George W. Bush

7-"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
George W. Bush

8-"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
George W. Bush

9-"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They
never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people,
and neither do we."
George W. Bush

10-Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do
it, that's trustworthiness.
George W. Bush

A man lost in space:

11-"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
George W. Bush

A MAN WITH HEAVEN ON HIS SIDE:

12-"I believe God wants me to be president."
George W. Bush

13- [I was] "chosen by the grace of God to lead at that moment."
George W. Bush

14-"God told me to strike at al-Qaeda and I struck them, and then he
instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am
determined to solve the problem in the Middle East."

George W. Bush
15-"I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job."
George W. Bush

The man lost in his vocabulary:

16-" Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
George W. Bush

17-"The problem with the French is that they don't have a word for
'entrepreneur'."
George W. Bush

18-"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and
that one word is, 'to be prepared'."
George W. Bush

19-'There's an old saying in Tennessee I know it's in Texas, probably
in Tennessee that says, fool me once, shame on shame on you. Fool me
you can't get fooled again.'
George W. Bush

Thoughts coming straight from George Orwell's '1984':

20-" Iraq and Afghanistan ...are now democracies and they are allies
in the cause of freedom and peace."
George W. Bush

21-"Ariel Sharon ... is a man of courage and a man of peace."
George W. Bush
22-"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and
over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the
propaganda."
George W. Bush

THE DECEIVING PACIFIST:

23-"I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really
talking about peace."
George W. Bush

24-"This notion that the United States is getting ready to attack Iran
is simply ridiculous. And having said that, all options are on the
table."
George W. Bush

25-"Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction."
George W. Bush

26- Governments accountable to the voters focus on building roads and
schoolsnot weapons of mass destruction. (N.B.: The U.S. has 10,000
nuclear weapons)
George W. Bush

The Theologian:

27-"Islam, as practiced by the vast majority of people, is a peaceful
religion."
George W. Bush

28-"The Islam that we know is a faith devoted to the worship of one
God, as revealed through The Holy Qur'an. It teaches the value and the
importance of charity, mercy, and peace."
George W. Bush

THE Flip-Flopper:

29-"I favour leaving up to a woman and her doctor the abortion question."
George W. Bush

30-"I am pro-life."
George W. Bush

31- "The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is
our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him."
George W. Bush

32- "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't
care. It's not that important. It's not our priority."
George W. Bush

33-"We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological
laboratories...for those who say we haven't found the banned
manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they're wrong, we found
them."
George W. Bush

The forecaster of things to come:

34-"Oh, no, we're not going to have any casualties [in Iraq ]."
George W. Bush

35-"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "
George W. Bush

36-"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments
in the future."
George W. Bush

37-"Many Iraqis can hear me tonight in a translated radio broadcast,
and I have a message for them: If we must begin a military campaign,
it will be directed against the lawless men who rule your country and
not against you."
George W. Bush, (speech of March 17, 2003)

38-"To the C students, I say you too can be president of the United States ."
George W. Bush

The astute observer:

39-"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
George W. Bush

40-"Brownie (Michael Brown of FEMA), you're doing a heck of a job."
George W. Bush
A man and his environment:

41-"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
George W. Bush
The double-talker:

42-"There's a lot of suffering in the Palestinian territory, because
militant Hamas is trying to stop the advance of democracy." (N.B.: The
Hamas government was elected)
George W. Bush

43-"We look forward to analyzing and working with legislation that
will makeit would hopeput a free press's mind at ease that you're not
being denied information you shouldn't see."
George W. Bush

THE WOULD-BE DICTATOR:

44-"In a time of war, the president must have the power he needs to
make the tough decisions, including, if need be, the decision to grant
himself even more power."
George W. Bush

45-"I'm also not very analytical. You know I don't spend a lot of time
thinking about myself, about why I do things."
George W. Bush

46-"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just
so long as I'm the dictator."
George W. Bush

47-"I'm the commander see, I don't need to explain I do not need to
explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being
president."
George W. Bush

48- "I will not withdraw [from Iraq ], even if Laura and Barney are
the only ones supporting me."
George W. Bush

49- "I'm the decider, and I decide what's best."
George W. Bush

And, last but not least, CONSIDERING THE MESS IN IRAQ:

50-I don?t have the foggiest idea about what I think about
international, foreign policy.
George W. Bush

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one
is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress for her -$5000.
Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $3.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Estate Planning

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So, one
evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I
may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her,
"but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20
million dollars." Impressed, the woman went home with him that
evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are
so much smarter than men.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin

his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she

would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to

raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child

turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it

discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write

"Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for the child support

payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey,"she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and

fainted.

On the card was written:

"Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with

meatballs, two without."

"Send extra sauce."

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her
excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found
the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed
mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young
wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her
step mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not I look like a
million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day." A few days
later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going
to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where
you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it
to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

Football

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football
and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down at Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.
The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for
Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and
so is the media. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to
tell her about his first day in English football.

"Hello mum, guess what?" he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20
minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves
me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got
shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, sexually
assaulted and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters and all
while you were having such great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to
Liverpool in the first place!"

XX - Two Dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two Prostitutes
And take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His
Depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room,
He hears his little friend shouting out cries of
"Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did It go?" The
First mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an
Erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I
Couldn't even get on the bed."

Monday, July 23, 2007

Long Hair

A young boy had just gotten his driver*s permit and inquired of his
father, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said,
"I*ll Make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B
average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we*ll talk
about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settled for the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said,
"Son, I*ve been real proud. You*ve brought your grades up, and I*ve
observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a
lot more in the Bible Study groups. But, I*m real disappointed, since
you haven*t gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said,
"You know, Dad, I*ve been thinking about that, and I*ve noticed in my
studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair,
John the Baptist had long hair,
Moses had long hair and
There*s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied,
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"

Miscellaneous Joke!

A man was sent to prison for 20 years.
He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach
it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc.
He served his time and was released.
He took his ant with him in a matchbox.
The first place he went was to a bar.
He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant.
He then said to the guy beside him,
"You are not gonna believe what this ant can do".
He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed.
He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant.
The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said,
"You see that ant?"
The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said,
"Sorry sir, it won't happen again."

Office Boy @ Microsoft

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Microsoft.
The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as
a test.

"You are employed." He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll
send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may
start."

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."

I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that
means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only
Rs100 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy
a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door
round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital.

He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with Rs600.

The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go
everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled
every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his
own fleet of delivery vehicles.

5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the
city. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a
life insurance.

He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the
conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man
replied, "I don't have an email". The broker answered curiously, "You
don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can
you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at
Microsoft!"

Moral of the story:

M1 - Internet is not the solution to your life.

M2 - If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.

M3 - If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an
office boy, than a millionaire. .....

Have a great day!!!

Pls Note: - Do not forward this email to me back, I'm closing all my
email addresses & going to sell tomatoes!!!

Smiling after reading is not mandatory!!! !

Sunday, July 22, 2007

To cheer you up on a Monday morning

Sign over a Gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck :
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."

**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

**************************
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************
At a Propane Filling Station ,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

This is a joke in slide format ..good one

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

Nanoscupltures

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

Its all about Love!!!

Wife: Honey..... What are you looking for?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate
for an hour
Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.

**********

Q - What is the difference between Mother & Wife?
A - One woman brings you into this world crying & the other
ensures you continue to do so.
**********

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

**********

Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the
office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I
look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other
problem can there be greater than this one?"

**********

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
worries or troubles.
Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet.

**********

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me
if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO
MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE."

**********

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before
you married her?"
Millionaire: " A Billionaire."

**********

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning.

**********

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty
face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your
sense of humour."

THE GOLDEN YEARS

Dedicated to those who have reached the 50 mark and for those who have
Years to go see what awaits you!!!!!!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9:00 pm and ask, "Did I wake you???"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8 You can eat dinner at 4:00 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the
room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national
weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.

18 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list!

And you notice these are all in dark Print for your convenience.

You should forward this to anyone you can remember!!

Saturday, July 21, 2007

The beggars

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding
a cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect
contributions.
People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and
drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross.
Soon the hat of the man with the cross is overflowing with coins and
notes and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with
the Star of David and says: "Young man. Don't you realize that this is
a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions in this country
holding a Star of David."
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and
says: "Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to
run our business."

Friday, July 20, 2007

Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior to death!'

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so
priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what
it is today!

A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February
and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and
Then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance
had been $0.00, now is somewhere around $60.00.

A family member placed a call to ANZ:

Family Member:
"I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
ANZ:
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member:
"Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
ANZ:
"Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member:
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
ANZ:
"Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member:
"Do you think God will be mad at her?"
ANZ:
"Excuse me?"
Family Member:
"Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"
ANZ:
"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
"I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
ANZ:
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member:
"You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
ANZ:
(Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member:
"No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
ANZ:
"Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member:
"Sure."
(fax number is given)

After they get the fax:

ANZ:
"Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can
do to help."
Family Member:
"Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep
billing her. I don't think she will care."
ANZ:
"Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member:
"Would you like her new billing address?"
ANZ:
"That might help."
Family Member:
" Rockwood Memorial Cemetery, 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."
ANZ:
"Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member:
"Well, what the ******* do you do with dead people on your planet?"

Thursday, July 19, 2007

What women want..

1. THE DOCTOR:
because he says, "Take your clothes off."

2. THE DENTIST:
because he says, "Open wide."

3. THE HAIRDRESSER:
because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?".

4. THE MILKMAN:
because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR:
because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER:
because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate
for a while, and then slowly fall back again."

7. THE BANKER:
because he says, "If you take it out too soon,
you'll lose interest.

8. THE HUNTER:
because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always
eats what he shoots.

9. THE TELEPHONE GUY:
because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up
against the wall?

Mating for life

Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the eagle
waited at the nest for Mary his darling of 10 glorious years. After a
while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had
been shot. Dead!
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided
that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady
eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew
off to find a new mate.

He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was
OK but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a
DOVE, I want to love!"

Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest
and flew off once more to find a mate.

He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the
sex was great but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to
spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!" So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous
duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. Again the sex was
great, but all the duck would say was.....well, you know......

No, the duck didn`t say THAT!!!!! That's an awful thing to think!

The duck said, "I am a DRAKE you made a MISTAKE !

Big Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in
his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark,
saying, "Big Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and
continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Big Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he
hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a pit bull, Big Jesus."

Old Men

Upon reaching 65, Bill decided to retire.
After having him under foot for A few months, his wife became very
agitated with him.

She suggested he go And do something to occupy histime, like join a
club or get a hobby.

Bill obliged and went out for a couple of hours.

When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied,
"Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys.
And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club.

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start
Jumping out of airplanes?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."

"Old man, you need glasses!

This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"

"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do?

I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

ONE AT A TIME

Janecrilza was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts, she never had
a boyfriend. So she went to a psychic for help.

- Honey! - said the psychic. You will not have luck in love in this
life. But in the reincarnation, you will be a much desired woman and
all men will
fall at your feet.

Janecrilza left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge
she thought: "the sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins"

She decided to jump off the bridge right away.

But, incredibly Janecrilza didn't die!

She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas; she lost her senses
and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to
see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her
surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face:

GENTLEMEN, PLEASE! ONE AT A TIME

GOOD ADVERTISEMENT LINES

Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale....... cheap...........no strings attached.

Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. More The Success, More The Relatives.

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking...I Gave Up Reading.

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses...
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.

You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick..
Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar:
"Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance."

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.

The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.

Getting Caught Is The Mother Of Invention.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You, Snore And You sleep Alone.

The Surest Sign That Intelligent Life Exists Elsewhere In The Universe
Is The Fact That It Has Never Tried To Contact Us.

Sign At A Barber's Saloon In Detroit:
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

A Traffic Slogan:
Don't Let Your Kids Drive If They are Not Old Enough
Or Else They Will Never Be.

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By
The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlor Window:
Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother !

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Jack and Jill - the untold story

The new story about Jack and Jill that is not known to you.

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was
take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and told her to
put them on ... When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me
that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large. "I told her,
"of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always
will". Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem."

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the
wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to
Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too
big and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack."I
wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want
you to forget that."

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on,"
she said, so he tried them on but they were too small. "I can't
possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill. "And if you don't change your fxxxking
attitude, you never will."

XXX - Thanks tae Rabbie Burns

Twas doon by the inch o' Abbots

Oor Johnny walked one day

When he saw a sicht that troubled him

Far more that he could say

A fanatic muslim bastard

Wiz doin what he'd planned

And intae Glesca's departure hall

A Cherokee he'd rammed.

A big Glaswegian polis

Came forward tae assist

He thocht "a wumman driver"

Or at least someone half-pissed

But to his shock nae drunken Jock

Emerged to grasp his hand

But a flamin Arab loony

Frae Al Qaeda's band

The mad Islamist nut-case

Had set hissel' on fire

And swung oot at the polis

GBH his desire

Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried

And sallied tae the fray

A left hook and a heid butt

Required tae save the day.

Now listen up Bin Laden

Yir sort's nae wanted here

For imported English radicals

Us Scoatsmen huv nae fear

Oor hame grown Glesca Asians

Will have nae bluidy truck

So tak yer worldwide jihad

An get yersel tae F***

Sunday, July 15, 2007

MAHINDA'S STAMP

In order to commemorate his one year in office President Mahinda
called up the Post master general and instructed him to issue a stamp
with a close up of his smiling face on it. Delegently the PMG complied
and produced a stamp for public issue with Mahindas face on it, photo
taken by Mahindas photographer. Mahinda thought it was a great
portrait of himself and was proud of it. After some time when the
stamp was in circulation Mahinda was contacted by a close aid who told
him that there were complaints that the stamp was not pasting
properly. Stamps were coming out of the envelopes when mail was being
franked at the post offices.
Then Mahinda summoned the CID chief and instructed him to investigate
if there was any sabotage by the stamp manufacturer. After a very
exhaustive investigation the CID chief reported
" Sir We have investigated and found that the stamp was of very good
quality. The problem Sir is that the people are spitting on the wrong
side of it".

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Spoof site on SL Politics – really good

Check this out.

President Mahinda Rajapakse briefed the media yesterday on one of the gravest problems facing the nation; the shortage of Rajapakse family members. President Rakapakse commented, ‘I only have 3 brothers and even if you were to take the rest of my family into account, we still don’t have enough people to fill the 100-plus ministerial posts in the government. With Gotabhaya running defence, Chamal running ports and aviation, myself running finance and Basil running the country, the four of us have our hands full - who is going to look into areas such as Women’s Affairs, Supplementary Crops Development and Sacred Area Development?”

Clicke here for more

Guess the ...

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

Transport - all styles

Press Enter and then Click on arrows at the bottom of the slides to see the next slide(s)...

Its that time again boys at Wimbledon

Lasith Malinga in the Middle East

New Airline By UNP

To give a competition to Mahinda Rajapakse's "Mihin Air", The members of
UNP executive committee have decided to start their own Air Line.

The first Flight - an Air Bus A330, is scheduled to touch Colombo by end
of July, 2007.

Attached herewith a photograph of the First UNP Fight, on a test run at
Air Bus Industries Headquarters in Toulouse, France.

New Supermarket...

A new supermarket just opened near our house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just
before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell
of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience
the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens and cluck cackle, and
the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of sausages and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more!

Friday, July 13, 2007

Joke Warehouse!

BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!

A man driving his car shares his experience.. ...

Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked to my right and
saw a woman in a brand new Mercedes doing about 90 mph with her face
up close to her rear view mirror putting on her make-up.

I looked away for a couple of seconds and next thing I know she's
halfway over in my lane still working on her face.

It scared the life out of me so much that I dropped my electric
shaver, which knocked the bacon roll out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees
against the steering wheel, I lost my mobile from my ear, which fell
into the coffee between my legs, causing it to splash and burn "Big
Jim and the Twins".

I screamed in pain and the cigarette fell out of my mouth, burning my shirt.
I also lost an important call.

Rough Day At The Bar.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He orders six shots of vodka.

The bartender asks the man, "Have a rough day?"

The man replies, "Yeah, I found out my younger brother was gay!"

The bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's awful."

The man downs the shots and leaves.

The very next day the same man comes back into the bar and orders six
more shots of vodka. Bartender asks the man, "What's wrong today?"

The man replies, "I just found out my older brother is gay."

Bartender says, "Man, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible."

The man downs his shots and leaves.

The man returns again on the third day and again orders six shots of
vodka. Bartender asks the man, "Another rough day?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The bartender asks the man, "Does anyone in your family like women??"

The man says, "Yeah, my wife."

___________________

Kids!

When I was 30, I worked as a kindergarten teacher.

One day as I was talking to the children seated on the floor around
me, I absentmindedly removed my glasses to clean them.

"Wow, Miss Cummings!" one child exclaimed. "You look really different
without your glasses on!"

Another child piped up, "I bet she looks different when she takes her
teeth out, too!"
____________________

Amazing But True

Do you know that:

Letters 'a', 'b', 'c' & 'd' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 99
(Letter 'd' comes for the first time in Hundred)

Letters 'a', 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999
(Letter 'a' comes for the first time in Thousand)

Letters 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999,999,999
(Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion)

And

Letter 'c' does not appear anywhere in in the spellings of entire
English Counting.

MIHIN AIR

(For the benefit of those who are unaware of Mihin Air, it is the
airline launched by the President of Sri Lanka)

WELCOME TO MIHIN AIR!!!

"Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen. This is your captain Wijepala ,
welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board Mihin Air .
We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off, it was due to bad
weather and some overtime I had to put in at the bakery.

This is flight 717 to Mumbai. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we
will end up somewhere in India. And, if luck is in your favo ur, we
may even be landing on schedule!

Mihin Air has an excellent safety-record. In fact, our safety
standards are so high, that even LTTE terrorists are afraid to fly
with us!

It is with pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over 30% of
our passengers have reached their destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can
arrange to turn them off!

To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve
complimentary Kiribath and Parippu.

For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can
help you find out if there really is a God !

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight movie will not be
shown as we forgot to record it from the television. However, for our
movie buffs, we will be flying right next to Emirates Airline, where
their movie will be visible from the right side of the cabin window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any smoke you see in
the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us
to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as
possible for the best view. If however, we go a little too close, do
let us know.
Our enthusiastic co-pilot sometimes flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off
and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a
seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And,
for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in
touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to
your suitcase."

ENJOY MIHIN AIR!!!! !

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Good Barber

There once was a very good old barber in New York.

One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay
the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept
money from you. I am doing community service." The Florist is happy
and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open h! is shop, there is a
thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after
the cut. But the barber replies:
"I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community
service."
The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you
card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
A Sri Lankan software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to
pay thebarber after the cut.
But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I
am doing community service." The Sri Lankan software engineer is
happy and ! leaves.

The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he
finds there...

Can you guess?
Do you know the answer yet?
Come on, think like a Sri Lankan .
...... a dozen Sri Lankans waiting for a free haircut

Little Johnnie

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was
born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the
hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before
they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and
explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he
so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even
said the word ears he would get the smacking of his life when they
came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.'
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little
hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the Doctor said he
will have 20/20 vision. "

"That's great ", said Little Johnnie, " coz he'd be f*cked if he
needed glasses."

Dying Wish - Italian style.

An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his grandson to his
bed."Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver
so you always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me your
Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna DA business. You gonna
have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a
bambinos.Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna
bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ... Pointa to you watch
and say, "Times up"?

A couple went to their doctor for physical exams ...

A couple went to their doctor for physical exams.
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man,
"You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you
would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot
and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am
usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said,
"Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that
you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had NO questions or concerns.
The doctor then, said to her:

"Your husband had an unusual concern.
He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you
the first time, and then
Cold and chilly after the second time.
Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in August and the second
time is in January.

Thoughts On Aging..............

- Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else
starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory.
I forget the other two.

- You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just
as long as you don't have to go along.

- Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

- Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

- You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office
start confiding in you.

- Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

- By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
go anywhere.

- Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have
begun to grow in the middle.

- A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by
his doctor instead of by the police.

- You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the
only thing you care to exercise.
Reading of the Will.

The relatives of the family's rich dowager gathered for the reading of
her will after her long awaited death.
"Being of sound mind," read the lawyer, "I spent every last cent
before I died."
Flower Switch.

A new business was opening, and one of the owner's friends wanted to
send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site, and the owner read the card,
which said, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,
the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry,
you should imagine this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place,
and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new
location.'"

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Wrong e-mail address

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic
schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the
husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his
wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the
hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an
email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her
email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email
expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the
room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which
read: To: My loving wife Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you
then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

Jockey Shorts

A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by
two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs, the
famous Louisville racetrack, to see and learn about thoroughbred
horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with
the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the
men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of
them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside,
helped the boys with their pants
and began hoisting the boys up one by one, holding onto their
"wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said,

"You must be in the fourth grade

He replied:

"No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today

Soooo Gooood

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the women
became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual
manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of
her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very
lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his
hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below
her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh,
stopped and then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the women was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little
to better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

" Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, " I found the remote!"

These tickled me........fwd

Wonder.............

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a
rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count
that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Ocean joke(prawns!)

Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were
swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called
Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by the sharks
that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm
fed up with being a prawn, I wish I were a shark, then I wouldn't have
any worries about being eaten.' A large mysterious cod appeared and
said, 'Your wish is granted' and lo and behold, Justin turned into a
shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten
by his old friend.

However, despite having no more fears, Justin found his new life as a
shark boring and lonely one. All his old friends simply swam away
whenever he came close to them. Justin realised that this new menacing
appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one
day, he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the fish
could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to
be changed back, and lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a
prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his
friends and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve
a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his
old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked. 'He's at home, still distraught
that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark',
came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he
set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your
old friend, come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'I don't think so, you'll eat me. You're now a shark,
the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back, 'No, I'm not a shark. That was the old me. I've
changed....
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wait for it!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
.
.
.
I've found Cod.... I'm a Prawn again Christian'

XX - A bird in the BUSH

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little
girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he
was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "what do you have
under the newspaper?" Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The
girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in
the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened.
The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little
girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off and the next thing I
know is I'm here." The police went to the beach, found the little
girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with
his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs,
and set its nest on fire!"

Moral of the story....................A bird in the BUSH should be
kept in proper WRAPS !!

The Good Husband:

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his
company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker,
but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't
even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he
was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first
thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of
water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect
order,spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye
staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices
a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get
groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened
last night?"

"Well, you came home after

3 A.M. , drunk and out of your
mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and
then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when
you ran into the door "

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such
perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is
on the table waiting for me??"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your shirts off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm
married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Twenty Funny truth

1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.

2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.

3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and
the other is the husband!

4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried- but they
wanted cash.

5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've
purchased new school uniforms.

6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you
cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

8. You can't buy love. . But you pay heavily for it.

9. True friends stab you in the front.

10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.

11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he
still ends up with the same boss.

17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom
gets to speak.

18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk
because they have to say something.

20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

Mid-week

A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.
"No," the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing."
"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.
"No, no thanks!!" she replies.
"I'll give five times as much as you normally get!" the man states.
"Okay," said the blonde artist, "but you have to let me at least wear
my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."
----------------------------------------------

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But
they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more
before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
---------------------------------------------------------

One sunny Sunday, Superman was flying around with nothing to do, so he
decided to drop in on Batman.
"Hi, Bat", said Superman, "let's go down the pub and have a beer."
"Not today, Super. My Batmobile's broken down and I've got to fix it.
Can't fight crime without it, you know."
Disappointed, Superman went over to Spiderman's place.
"Let's go down the pub for a drink, Spider."
"Sorry Super. I've got a problem with my web gun. Can't fight without
it, you know."
Dejectedly, Superman took to the air again, and decided to drop by on
Wonder Woman. There she was, lying on her back out on her balcony,
stark naked and writhing around. Superman conceived a cunning idea.
"Everyone says I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and I've always
wondered what sort of screw she'd be'.
So he zoomed down, did her in a flash and zoomed off.
What the hell was that!" cried Wonder Woman.
"I don't know, but it hurt like hell!" said the Invisible Man.

Classic - Indian boy in USA

Maybe worth a second round! Oldie but goodie

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.
Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"?

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his
hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said.

"Very good!"

Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People,
shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863"
said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more! About its
history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
"General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,
1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to
the teacher , "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you." Chandrasekhar frantically yells at
the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on
the floor , someone said, "Oh shit, we're fxxxxed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq , 2005."

Monday, July 09, 2007

Thought of the Day

"We all love to spend lots of money on buying new clothes, but did you ever
realize that best times are enjoyed without clothes"

Now you know everything!

No word in the English language rhymes with:
Month,
Orange,
Silver,
Or
Purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "MT". (Are
you doubting this?)

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.

The sentence:
"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the
alphabet.
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?)

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are
read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
(Yep, I knew you were going to "do" this one.)

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous":
Tremendous,
Horrendous,
Stupendous,
And
Hazardous.
(You're not doubting this, are you?)

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order:
"abstemious"
And
"facetious."
(Yes, admit it, you are going to say . A e I o u)

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.
(All you typists are going to test this out)

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

(Some days that's about what my memory span is)

A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

A snail can sleep for three years.
(I know some people that could do this too.)
;

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without kneecaps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would
never end because of the rate of reproduction.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel
that it burns.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube
and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Now you know everything!

One liner Jokes

Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."

******

"What did one ghost say to another?"
"Do you believe in people?"

******

My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.

******

They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom
gets to speak.

******

"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
" Please wait someone else is using it."

******

When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

******

"Where did you get those big eyes?"
"They came with the face."

******

I went alone on our honeymoon. My wife had already seen Niagara Falls .

******

But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the
phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.

******

It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!

******

"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."

******

"Do you think I"ll lose my looks as I get older?"
"Yes if you're lucky."

******

A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a
cloth and sells the cloth.

******

"Has there been any insanity in your family?"
"Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he's the boss."

******

I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.

******

"My wife doesn't know what she wants."
" You're lucky. My wife does."

******

We have a quiet home life. I don't speak to her and she doesn't speak to me.

******

"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best. "

******

"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?"

******

"Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?"
"I ought to be able to. I've had 12 different jobs in four months."

FOCUSSING on PROBLEMS...............................

The Difference between FOCUSSING on PROBLEMS

Vis-à-Vis FOCUSSING on SOLUTIONS!

Case # 1
When NASA began the launch of astronauts into space, they found out
that the pens would not work at zero gravity (ink will not flow down
to the writing surface).

Solution # 1

To solve this problem, it took them one decade and $12 million. They
developed a pen that worked at zero gravity, upside down, underwater,
in practically any surface including crystal and in a temperature
range from below freezing to over 300 degrees C.

Solution # 2

And what did the Russians do...?? They used a pencil.

Case # 2
One of the most memorable case studies on Japanese management was the
case of the empty soapbox, which happened in one of Japan 's biggest
cosmetics companies. The company received a complaint that a consumer
had bought a soapbox that was empty.

Immediately the authorities isolated the problem to the assembly Line,
which transported all the packaged boxes of soap to the delivery
department. For some reason, one soapbox went through the assembly
line empty.

Management asked its engineers to solve the problem.

Solution # 1

Post-haste, the engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with
high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the
soapboxes that passed through the line to make sure they were not
empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast but they spent
a whoopee amount to do so.

Solution # 2

But, when a rank-and-file employee in a small company was posed with
the same problem, he did not get into complications of X-rays, etc.,
but instead came out with another solution.

He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the
assembly line. He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox passed the
fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

Mora:l
· Always look for simple solutions.
· Devise the simplest possible solution that solves the problems.
· Always focus on solutions & NOT on problems.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Wives

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
-Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we
met.
-Rodney Dangerfield
----------------------------------------------------------
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's
wrong.
-Milton Berle
----------------------------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said,
"There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?"
She replied,"In the lake."
-Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and
didn't notice."
----------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better
revenge than to let him keep her.
----------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't
like to interrupt her.
----------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got myself two girlfriends.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided
not to eport it since the thief was spending much less than
his wife did.
-------------------------------------------------------
;Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.
----------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still
paying."
----------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of
Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
---------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was until I got married; then it was too
late.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same: "You can have mine."
--------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a
millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the
friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single
men.
It only seems longer.
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Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was
Almost impossible.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
Through life Thinking they had no faults at all.
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Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
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The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY.......,

BUT IN A LAW FIRM, ARE NOT:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge.
8. Counselor, let's do it in the chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offence?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't.
1. Think you can get me off?

Sunday Laffs!

A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home.
She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot.
It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so little?" She asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said:
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a
whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said:
"New house, new Madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
"that's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said:
"New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh
about the situation.
Moments later, the woman's husband, Ray, came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said:
"Hi Ray!"
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A man picks up a hooker and takes her back to his place.
She informs him that her services will cost him a grand total of $5.
The man gladly hands over the money and they dance the horizontal mambo.
A few days later the man is visiting his doctor and discovers that he
has crabs.
The man storms out of the office to find the hooker.
She's on the same street corner where he picked her up before.
He runs to her and screams,
"You gave me crabs!"
She replies,
"For five dollars what were you expecting lobster?"
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Q: Why did the Siamese twins go to England?
A: So that the other one could drive!

Q: What's six inches long, two inches wide and drives a woman crazy?
A: Hundred dollar bills!
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Two brothers were raised on a farm, one brother moved to town.
Every year, the city brother would come out to visit the farmer brother.
Every time he came out, the farmer brother was complaining about his crops.
It was too hot or too cold, too wet or too dry, prices were low, the
crops looked bad.
As the city brother was driving out one year, he noticed the crops
looking great.
He had the radio on and crops were hitting an all time high.
As he got out to the farm, here was the farmer brother sitting in a
rocking chair with a grumpy looking on his face.
The city brother asked why he was in a bad mood.
The crops looked great, the right amount of rain, temp., and prices
were setting records highs.
The farmer brother said:
"You know what a crop like this takes out of the soil?"
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ATTITUDE!
Ability is what you are capable of doing.
Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude determines how well you do it.
--- - -----------------
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the
night, In search of a glass of water.
Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in
'the act'.
Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims:
"Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out:
"Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman
usually gets bucked off!"
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