JokesGalore!

An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its patients to
attend a baseball game.
The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so
there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just
before the first pitch.
When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled,
"Up, nuts!" and the patients immediately rose.
When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled,
"Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat.
The game proceeded and the patients were well-behaved.
When the home team made a good play, the director yelled,
"Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a
hot dog and a beer. But, when he came back, there was a riot going on.
The director finally, located his assistant and demanded,
"What happened?"
"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over
with & yelled, PEANUTS!

Two old guys, one Bill. and one Joe., were sitting on their usual park
bench one morning. Joe. had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
even short of breath.
Bill was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to
have so much energy.
Joe said,
"Well, I eat Italian bread everyday. It keeps your energy level high
and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, Bill stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He asked,
"Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said,
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
Bill replies, "I want 5 loaves." S
he said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get
to the fifth loaf, it'll be hard?"
Bill replied,
I can't believe it, everybody in the world knew about this Italian
bread thing but me!"

It was entertainment night at the senior's centre and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be
put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.
***"SHIT!"***said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior's centre.