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Thursday, May 31, 2007

Bush and Matzoh Soup

President George Bush and Matzoh Balls

Israeli leader Ehoud Olmert comes to Washington for meetings with
George W. For the State Dinner, Laura Bush decides to bring in a
special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal prepared in honor
of their guest .

At the dinner that night , the first course is served and it is
Matzoh Ball Soup.

George W. looks at this and, after learning what it is called,
he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking
brew.

The aide says that Mr. Olmert will be insulted if he doesn't at
least taste it .

Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all he ate a sheep's eye in
honor of his Arab guests), George W gingerly lowers his spoon into
the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He
hesitates, swallows, and a grin appears on his face. He finds he
really likes it, digs right in, and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," he says to Olmert. "Do the Jews eat any
other part of the matzoh, or just the balls?"

HARVARD READING TEST

This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard
University Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake.
The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!

> >>1. This is this cat
> >>2. This is is cat
> >>3. This is how cat
> >>4. This is to cat
> >>5. This is keep cat
> >>6. This is an cat
> >>7. This is old cat
> >>8. This is fart cat
> >>9. This is busy cat
> >>10. This is for cat
> >>11. This is forty cat
> >>12. This is seconds cat
> >>
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down,
And I bet ya can't resist passing it on.

Children's exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large
pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water
tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon,
and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?(e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the Borax
and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax
contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Jokes!

A old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me
too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact
I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You
didn't know I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent".
The doctor says.
"I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back.
"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now
my farts, although still silent, they do stink terribly."
"Good", the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses,
let's work on your hearing".

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the
psychiatrist began his therapy session.
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you
should start at the very beginning."
"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the
Heavens and the Earth..."

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were traveling through
Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least
one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is
black!"

Perhaps, you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality
he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his
family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the
man he was still alive.
Nothing seemed to work.
Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical
books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed.
After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead
men don't bleed.
"Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked.
"Yes, I do," the patient replied.
"Very well, then," the doctor said.
He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle
of blood.
The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?"
"Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at
his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

Friday, May 25, 2007

AH WELL - THE IRISH !!!!

IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY:

Artery......................... The study of paintings

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria

Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome

Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty

Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her

Colic............................. A sheep dog

Coma........................... A punctuation mark

Dilate............................To live long

Enema.......................... Not a friend

Fester........................... Quicker than someone else

Fibula............................ A small lie

Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain.................... Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff................... A Doctor's cane

Morbid.......................... A higher offer

Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates

Node..............................I knew it

Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted

Pelvis............................. Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative................ A letter carrier

Recovery Room............... Place to do upholstery

Rectum.......................... Nearly killed him

Secretion....................... Hiding something

Seizure.......................... Roman emperor

Tablet........................... A small table

Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport

Tumour........................ One plus one more

Urine............................ Opposite of you're out

XX - Milking Machine

A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on
himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns
on the switch.

Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure
than his wife does..

But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the
instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not
find any useful information.

He tries every button on the instrument, without success.
Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline.
''Hello, I just bought a milking cow machine from your company, It
works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?''

''Don't worry sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the
machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!"

Thursday, May 24, 2007

R U Pregnant?

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant.......

Scared, she confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was

the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their

house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably

dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and

enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother

and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has

informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my

personal family situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is

born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse,

a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy

is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a

$2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However, If there is a miscarriage or unsucessful delivery , what do you

suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent,

places a hand Firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can

try again!..............."

Sorry boys.......CLASSIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One for the ladies

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to
me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Cape Town "

And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The wife replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think
if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.
AMEN
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe/wash.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humour to take it!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

women ( some facts and........ )

Plz take it as a humorous article .....
No one should get hurt....

'coz some are facts and some are......jokes..

1.Girls are like an internet virus:
they enter your life,
scan your pockets,
transfer money,
edit your mind,
download their problems
and
delete your smile..

2.Proof that gals are evil:
first we state that girls require time and money......
Girls = time x money...
As we all know "Time is money"......
Time=Money......
Therefore, Gals = Money x Money = Money square.......
And because money is the "Root of all evil"......
Money=evil root.....
Therefore, ... Gals = evil square.....
Therefore, we are forced to conclude that.....
Girls = EVIL......

3.Girls are like phones,
they like to be held and talked to,
but,
if you press the wrong button
you'll be disconnected!.....

4.When a man talks dirty to a woman,
it's sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man,
it's $3.95 per minute.....

5.Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds!!

6.WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!...

7.What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!...

8. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women...

9. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend...

10. How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing....

11.God made man and then rested.
God made women and then no one rested

12.What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!....

13. He met a lady while browsing.
She unzipped his dotcom when downloading.
Since he was virus free,
He slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail
She screamed yahoo!

14. 99.99% accidents are caused by women...
Firstly, when they get confused...
They press gas instead of breaks....
Secondly, when they wear hot clothes...
Men are too busy checking them out....

15. All galz say I am not like other galz
"I am different" (all are same)...

16. If a gal says she has told no one the secret....
You should assume she has already told to her best friend...

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Scottish Sympathy A must read.

I have seen this before, so I don't know how recent the concert, but
whenever it was it says a lot for our Scottish practicality, so I
thought I'd forward it again anyway – and proud of it!!

Scottish Sympathy

Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow , Scotland, he asked the audience for
total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands,
once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said
into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa
dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from the front of the crowd,
pierces the quiet ..............

"Well, foockin stop doin it then!"

Think before you speak...

Old ones but still good for a laugh..

------------------------------------------------------------

* Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -*

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

* FIRST TESTIMONY:*
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow a nd
asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better .

* SECOND TESTIMONY: *
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the
store.
He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with
mens balls"

* THIRD TESTIMONY:*
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day,
My sister has never let me forget.

* FOURTH TESTIMONY : *
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just !
As threatening, "If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissi ng Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of
laughter.

* FIFTH TESTIMONY:*
Have you ever ! Asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I
was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't
have any clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was
getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident ?
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks And yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, He
calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

* LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY: *
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh! And remember
We all say things we don't really mean,
So think before you speak!

--
"Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in
hot water!" - Eleanor Roosevelt

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

xxx - visitor from out-of-state.

A couple has a male friend who's visiting from out-of-state, when an
unexpected blizzard blows in, and keeps him from travelling.
Since the couple has no guest room, he states his intention to find a
nearby hotel, and be on his way in the morning.

"Nonsense," says the wife. "Our bed is plenty big enough for all three
of us, and we're all friends here."

The husband concurs, and before long they're settled in: husband in
the middle, wife on his left, friend on his right.

After a while, the husband begins snoring, and the wife sneaks over to
the friend's side of the bed, and invites him to have sex with her.
Naturally, he'd like to, but he's reluctant.
"We're in the same bed with your husband! He'll wake up, and he'll kill me."

"Don't worry about it," she says, "he's such a sound sleeper, he'll
never notice. If you don't believe me, just yank a hair off of his
ass. He won't even wake up."

So, the friend yanks a hair off the husband's anus, and sure enough,
she's right.
Her husband sleeps right through having a hair yanked out of his ass.
So, she and the friend have sex, and then she goes back to her side of the bed.

After about twenty minutes, though, she's back on his side of the bed,
asking him to do it again.
The same argument follows, another hair is yanked from the husband's
corn hole, and again they have sex.
This keeps up for about half the night, until after about the sixth
time, when the wife goes back to her side.

Then the husband rolls over, and whispers to his friend,
"I don't mind that you're shagging my wife, but do you really have to
use my asshole as your scoreboard?"

Female Dwarf

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the
groin area.
The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.

He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under. A little perplexed, she hears
snip, snip, snip, snip.

The doctor emerges from under her skirt.

"How's that?"

"Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."

Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.

Snip, snip, snip, snip. Out he comes.

"How's that?" he asks again more confident.

"That's wonderful! What did you do?"

"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

WRONG ONE

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular

"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog.

"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired"

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! This American
should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong
thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now sir, you
seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"

Monday, May 21, 2007

JokesGalore!

An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its patients to
attend a baseball game.
The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so
there wouldn't be any trouble.
The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just
before the first pitch.
When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled,
"Up, nuts!" and the patients immediately rose.
When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled,
"Down, nuts!" and the inmates sat.
The game proceeded and the patients were well-behaved.
When the home team made a good play, the director yelled,
"Clap, nuts!" and the patients applauded just like normal fans.
Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a
hot dog and a beer. But, when he came back, there was a riot going on.
The director finally, located his assistant and demanded,
"What happened?"
"Everything was fine," the assistant said, "until some guy came over
with & yelled, PEANUTS!

Two old guys, one Bill. and one Joe., were sitting on their usual park
bench one morning. Joe. had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
even short of breath.
Bill was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to
have so much energy.
Joe said,
"Well, I eat Italian bread everyday. It keeps your energy level high
and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, Bill stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He asked,
"Do you have any Italian bread?"
She said,
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
Bill replies, "I want 5 loaves." S
he said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...don't you think by the time you get
to the fifth loaf, it'll be hard?"
Bill replied,
I can't believe it, everybody in the world knew about this Italian
bread thing but me!"

It was entertainment night at the senior's centre and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill.
People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be
put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.
***"SHIT!"***said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior's centre.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

"silly tech support calls "

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... Sorry....

**********

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

**********

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

**********

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every
time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer
and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he
can't find it...

**********

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.

**********

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

**********

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer : Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer : Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

**********

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

**********

Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

**********

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer : Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

**********

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

**********

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?

**********

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer : "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."

**********

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

Good advice to the politicians.

Which Is Your Candidate?

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting
next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said: "You know why I'm going to win this
election? Because of my personal touch.' For example, I always tip
waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them
to vote for you."

XX - Hairy Armpit....................

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in
Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as
she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man
here will buy a lady a drink?"

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at
the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the
counter and bellowed "Give the ballerina a drink!"

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked "What man here will buy a
lady a drink?"

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached
the little drunk and said "Tell me, Murphy, it's your business if you
want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a
ballerina?"

The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got
to be a ballerina!"

Friday, May 18, 2007

Few Definitions

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that
you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by
feminine waterpower.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the
Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the
minds of either"

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your
confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic : Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to
decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

It nevers happened to me

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween
party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his
good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly
for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided go
to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
"chick" he could and cupping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left
his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
love in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away
and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what
kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was
sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he
had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never
even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some
other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all
night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to my Boss,
apparently he had the time of his life....."

Great Church signs

Good humor

Drinking Problem

Click on picture to make it bigger and on reverse arrow key of browser to return to the blog

SOME JOKES FROM THE INTERNET

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart." -- Dr. Susan Steinberg,
Manitoba, Canada

**************************************

"As an entertainer I travel a lot. I once saw a pin on a Delta
Airlines employee and I asked him what 'Delta' stands for. He said,
'Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive.'" -- Adam Christing

***************************************

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is
nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it
correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

******************************************

SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The car park seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor.

*****************************************

The Day I started my construction job, I was in the office filling out
an employee form when I came to : Single__, Married__, Divorced___ .

I marked single. Glancing the man next to me who was also filling out
the form, I noticed he hadn't marked any of the blanks. Instead he'd
written, "Yes, in that order."

*****************************************

Recently, I called to make reservations on a small charter plane that
departs from Teterboro airport in New Jersey.

I knew that I would be flying in a very small plane, so I was not
surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage
and passengers." Then she asked, "How much do you weigh, sir?"

Not thinking clearly I answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "How do you intend to travel?"

***************************************

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them
wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

*******************************************

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him
to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby
place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name.
It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I
refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker
... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that
we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

*******************************************

Love in a Mental Hospital

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly
jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and
stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she
immed iately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you
were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving
the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays
that you
have a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung
himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved
him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hanged him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK-END AND HANG IN THERE.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

Old one but still quite smileworthy!

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts."

"After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

**********************************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary; with your PIN written on the
inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt behind chequebook.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the
slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !

CUSTOMER CARE IN 2020

2020 is closer than we think!!

Operator : "Thank you for calling Pizza Galaxy Kholi. May I have you're..."

Customer: "Hello, can I order..."

Operator : "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer: "It's eh..., hold........ ..On..... 889861356102049 998-45-54610"

Operator : "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 43rd
Floor, Akask View Apt, Cantt Road...
Your home number is 4094! 2366, your office
76452302 and your mobile is
0142662566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer: "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?

Operator : "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer: "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator : "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer: "How come?"

Operator : "According to your medical records, you have high blood
pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer: "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator : "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer: "How do you know for sure?"

Operator : "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from
the National Library last week Sir"

Customer: "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how
much will that cost?"

Operator : "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The
total is Rs2249.99"

Customer: "Can I pay by! Credit card?"

Operator : "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir. Your credit card
is over the limit and you owe your bank Rs10, 720.55 since October
last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your
housing loan, Sir."

Customer: "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw
some cash before your guy arrives"

Operator : "You can't Sir. Based on the records, you've reached your
daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer: "Never mind just send the pizzas; I'll have the cash ready.
How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator : "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always
come and collect it on your scooter.. ."

Customer: "What!"

Operator: "According to the details in system, you own a Lambretta
1969 Vintage Scooter,...registration number USE 8999..."

Customer: "????"

Operator : "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer: "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free
bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator : "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're
also diabetic.... ... "

Customer: uh...err...err...eh#$$^%&$@$%^

Operator : "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 11th Nov 1986
you were convicted for using abusive language on a policeman who
stopped you for driving through a one way, in fact you were driving a
1973 Ambassador bearing registration number UTD 4267.......

Customer: [Faints]

New from Apple

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed
a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in
women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker
size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women
have always complained about men staring at their breasts and
not listening to them.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Laughter, the best Medicine

The wealthy tourist was outraged at being searched by
customs on his arrival at JFK Airport.

"New York is the asshole of the world!" he screamed.

"Yessir," said the customs official. "Are you just passing through?"

====================================================

There was a hijacking of a tourist bus. Luckily, it was a Japanese
tourist group bus trip - they got over two thousand photographs of
the hijackers.

=====================================================

A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired
after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the
clerk does the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous
blond sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he goes
into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his
arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need
a double room for the night."

The next morning he goes to the front desk to settle his bill, and
on seeing the amount to be over three thousand dollars starts
screaming, "What's the meaning of this? I've only been here one
stinking night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."
=========================================================

Tax returns

The IRS called in a man for an audit. So, he asked his accountant for
advice on what to wear.

"Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you
are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite
advice: "Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an
expensive tie."

Confused, the man went to his minister, told him of the conflicting
advice, and asked him what he should do.

"Let me tell you a story," replied the minister. "A woman, about to be
married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her
mother said, 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up
to your neck and wool socks.' But when she asked her best friend, she
got conflicting advice: 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V-neck
right down to your navel.' "

The man protested: "But Reverend, what does all this have to do with
my problem with the IRS?"

"It doesn't matter what you wear; you're going to get screwed anyway."

Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet

I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this

Procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly

30 pounds!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my

Instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I was

Going to drop dead dat 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from f***** 'skippin' " the Irishman said

A Torah Scholar"

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you
do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's
accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she
deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God
will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father
questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers,
"He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

XXX - This is funny, you've got to admit!

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is
stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches
"Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner
hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing
yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and
without missing a beat, blurts out..........

"Holy shit ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Heights! ( enjoy again!)

1. What is height of Fashion?
Sarong with a zip.

2. What is height of Secrecy?
Offering blank visiting cards .

3. What is height of Active Laziness?
Asking for a lift to house while on a morning walk.

4. What is height of Laziness?
Adopting a child.

5. What is height of Craziness?
Getting a blank paper Xeroxed (photo-copied.)

6. What is height of Forgetfulness?
Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

7. What is height of Stupidity?
A man looking through a keyhole of a glass door.

8. What is height of Honesty?
A pregnant woman taking one and a half ticket.

What is height of Suicide?
A dwarf jumping from the footpath on the road.

10. What is height of De-hydration?
A cow giving milk powder.

Oh Those Pilots LOL

A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the
Tampa Airport .

The pilot comes on the intercom:

"This is your Captain. We're on our final descent
into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us
today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay
area."

He forgets to switch off the intercom.

Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from
the cockpit.

The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So,
Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa ?

"Well," says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check
into the hotel and take a big crap... then I'm gonna
take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for
dinner.... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take
her back to my room and give her a ride on the
baloney pony all night long.

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this
and immediately begins looking up and down the
aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess
is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very
back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running
toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's
bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says:

"No need to hurry dear,he's gotta take a shit first."

From The Kids...

What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

I'm learning ancient history?
So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!

Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
Pupil: Dead?, I didn't even know he was sick!

Marriage and Men

- When a man decides to marry, It may be the last decision he'll ever make.

- Some men who speak with authority at work know enough to bow to a
higher authority at home.

- A dish towel will certainly wipe the contented look off a married man's face.

- Love is the quest, marriage is the conquest, divorce is the inquest.

- An engagement is an urge on the verge of a merge.

- Marriage brings music to a man's life. He learns to play second fiddle.

- Getting married is one mistake every man should make.

- A well-informed man is one whose wife has just told him what she
thinks of him.

- Courtship, unlike proper punctuation, is a period before a sentence.

- The argument you just won with your wife isn't over yet.

and lastly............

- Before criticizing your wife's faults, you must remember it may have
been these very defects which prevented her from gettting a better
husband that the one she married!

English is a crazy language.........

In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why is it that when we transport something by car,it's called a
shipment but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride
bikes called cyclists?
In what other language do they call the third hand on the clock the second hand?
Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?
Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?

Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:
If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.
But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?
If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are
shameless and shameful behavior the same?

English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can
turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a
light in;
in which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.
In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your
car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by
filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.

English is a crazy language.
What is it that when the sun or the moon or
the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they
are invisible?;
And why when I wind up my watch, I start it,
but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?

Monday, May 14, 2007

Night time Jokes!

Heaven is a place where:
the police are English;
the chefs are Italian;
the car mechanics are German;
the lovers are French
and it's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is a place where:
the police are German;
the chefs are English;
the car mechanics are French;
the lovers are Swiss
and it's all organized by the Italians.

-----------
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead."
- Woody Allen

"I like children - fried."
- WC Fields.

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having
to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're
eating sandwiches."
- Jim Carrey.

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered
other similarities between the two but
can't remember what they are."
- Matt Lauer (on NBC's Today Show).

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop
it?"
- Steven Wright (...more Steven Wright Quotes).

"Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid
ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry."
- Mike Kalin.

"Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favourite food is seconds."
- Joan Rivers.

"A winkle is just a bogey with a crash helmet on."
- Mick Miller.

"I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup."
- Eddie Izzard.

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

- Steven Wright.

The Cannibals

A great story of the role of management

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase
their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human
Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual
benefits and
you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any
employees"
The cannibals promised they would not
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard
and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the
whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has
disappeared.
Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads, "No"

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the
others,
"Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly.
"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating
managers and no one noticed anything. But NOW, you had to go and eat
someone who actually does something!

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Work Virus

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and
By hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else
Via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life
Completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two
Good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

NZ Hooker

Killer Biscuits

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water
down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove
itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else
to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
using the sink.

4. To treat high blood pressure: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to
use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it
doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and
does, use the duct tape.

8. When confused remember, everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.

--- Confucius***

Just to Laugh / GOOD ONE

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in
bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, "If you behave like this, you will lose
ALL your friends".
**********
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
**********
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
**********
Husband asks , "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means ,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
**********
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and
panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
**********
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my
mom fainted, dad got
heart attack & our driver ran away.
**********
Women asked man who is traveling with six children,
all these kids are urs ???
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer
complaints.
**********
Son asks the difference between confidence and
confidential
Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend
is also my son,
that's confidential!
**********
Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the
right time we
should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you
want to know.
Mother Faints...

Friday, May 11, 2007

jokes.

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone
that they are not talking to each other.
The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man, "When we had finished making love on the
first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the
pillow without thinking."
"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm
sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to
have been saving yourself all these years!"
The groom nodded gently and said:
"I don't know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!"

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing
physically wrong with him, and then told him,
"Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to
stop taking your trouble to bed with you."
"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

The Italian man said:
"Last week, my wife and I made great amour. I rubbed her body all over
with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for five
full minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasted:
"Last week when my wife and made amour, I rubbed her body all over
with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for fifteen
minutes."
The Jewish man said:
"Well, last week my wife and I also did the do. I rubbed her body all
over with schmaltz (chicken fat). We made love, and she screamed for
over six hours."
The other two were stunned.
The amazed Frenchman asked:
"What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?"
The Jewish man said:
"I wiped my hands on the bedspread."

One reason the Military Services have trouble operating jointly is
that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building,"
they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
The Army would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with
suppressive fire and close combat. The Air Force, on the other hand,
would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

Little Davie

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid,
stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher said, "Do you
think you're stupid, Little Davie?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

**************

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

***************

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his
students might be a little confused about Jesus
Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He
wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a
long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is
Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart. "
Little Davie waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds.
Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Davie how he knew this.
Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

****************

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Davie!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon
Network!"

***************

Little Davies's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of
the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was
the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman.
"The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

***************

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down
the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Davie asked,
"Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.

Teacher's great humour................

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?"
Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

(And you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to send this to you!)

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After carefully planning, he got past security, stole the paintings
and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of
gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make
such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, that's the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to
buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

Thursday, May 10, 2007

XXX - 3 some

I pulled an old woman at a club last night.

She was a right sort for 47, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and
she asked if I'd ever had a mother and daughter 3 some?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night, so
I went back to hers.

She put the hall light on and and shouted upstairs:

"Mum you still awake?"

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Good advice

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their
conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX.. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams
don't have much.

NINE. Love deeply and passionat ely. You might get hurt but it's the
only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE . Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer,
smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say "God bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson .

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for
others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immed iate
steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

junk mail

Andy Rooney

Tips for Handling Telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work !!

(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of
hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much
more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep"
tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which
has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls
and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real"
sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there,
is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7
times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed
the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a
shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return
these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their
own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything
from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw
away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs
them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive
them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around
50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight.
In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put
it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a
pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day,
then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on
anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep
them guessing! It still costs them 37 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of
their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them.
Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best
of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that
e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they
need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work.

Mild Jokes!

A Very Dirty Little Fellow.

A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard and asked
his mother, "Who am I? "

Ready to play the game she said,

"I don't know! Who are you?"

"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so
dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

Shopping Methodology.

In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a
man shopping with his son.

As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him
whisper conspiratorially to the child, "You know, if we really mess
this up, we'll never have to do it again."

Car Accident.

As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we
passed a car accident.

Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for
those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son,

"We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request:

"Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

ENGLISH

These are extracts from actual letters sent to Leicester Council
and Housing Association written by the tenants in UK :
>
1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
>
2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when
he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
>
> 3. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.
>
4. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside
toilet roof. I think it was that bad wind the other night that blew
them off.
>
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the
wall.
>
6. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path, my wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant?
>
7. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen. 50% of
the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.
>
8. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
>
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny
color and not fit to drink.
>
10. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

11. I want to complain about the farmer across the road, every
morning at 6:00am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much
for me.
>
12. The man next door has a large erection in the garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
>
13. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two small children and would
like a third so please send someone around to do something about it.
>
14. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you
please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top
of me every night.
>
15. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and
satisfy my wife.
>

points 2 ponder

If your father is a poor man,

it is your fate but,

if your father-in-law is a poor man,

it's your stupidity.

.......................................................................

I was born intelligent -

education ruined me.

.......................................................................

Practice makes perfect.....

But, nobody's perfect......

so why practice?

.......................................................................

If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

.......................................................................

Since light travels faster than sound,

people appear bright until you hear them speak .

.............................. .........................................

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

.....................................................................

Money is not everything.

There's Mastercard & Visa.

.......................................................................

One should love animals.

They are so tasty.

.............................. .........................................

Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

........................................................... ...........

Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in

life.

.......................................................................

The wise never marry.

and when they marry they become otherwise.

.......................................................................

Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

.......................................................................

Never put off the work till tomorrow

what you can put off today.

............................................................ ...........

"Your future depends on your dreams"

So go to sleep
.......................................................................

There should be a better way to start a day

Than waking up every morning

.......................................................................

"Hard work never killed anybody"

But why take the risk

.......................................................................

"Work fascinates me"

I watch it for hours

.......................................................................

God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

............................................................ ...........

The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. why learn.

.............................. .........................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

what more can I say........

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

KKK

The Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate.

I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the
party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this
Christian Family."

No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face
me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and
in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression." Again all was quiet.

Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop
traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice
quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.
I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

Five Jewish men who influenced the history of Western civilization.

Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Recent Quips from Late Night.

"Four years ago today, President Bush gave his Iraq victory speech in
front of the 'Mission Accomplished' banner. Well, I'm glad that's all
behind us." --David Letterman.

"Here's the latest scandal in Washington: ... They say on '20/20' this
week, the D.C. madam ... is going to list the names of famous
Republicans who used her female escort service. ... That shows you the
fundamental philosophical differences between the two parties. Bush
Republicans believe in having the private sector provide sex for
profit. Whereas, Clinton Democrats believe it should be a big
give-away program." --Jay Leno.

"Four years ago, the president stood on the deck of an aircraft
carrier and announced 'Mission Accomplished.' Two years later, the
president appointed one of the main architects of that mission, Paul
Wolfowitz, to head the World Bank. Because when someone has been
completely wrong about everything, you gotta put him where he can't do
any harm, like in charge of the world's poor." --Jon Stewart.

"We deported over 250,000 illegal immigrants from this country last
year. And today at the rally, they said they're all glad to be back."
--Jay Leno.

"Politicians having sex with prostitutes? What's the matter? All of a
sudden, congressional pages aren't good enough anymore?" --David
Letterman.

"The former first lady of New Jersey and soon to be ex-wife of gay
former Governor Jim McGreevey was on 'Oprah' today. She wrote a book
that claims even though she was married to the guy for almost four
years, she never knew Jim McGreevey was gay. She just thought he had
really bad aim" --Jimmy Kimmel .

"That's what makes this country great. The fact that thousands of
Mexican people march in a state with an Austrian governor waving
American flags made in China." --Jay Leno.

Top Ten Things Only Women Understand.

10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.

9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off white.

8. Crying can be fun.

7. Fat clothes.

6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.

5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be
considered a peak life experience.

4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to
impossible.

2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.

1. Other women!

Do u believe in life after death?

Do u believe in life after death?

BOSS said to an employee: 'Do you believe in life after Death?

EMPLOYEE: 'Certainly not! There's no proof of it', he replied.

BOSS: 'Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday
to go to your uncle's funeral, He came here looking for you

Married Life - Pertinent Q & A

All bachelor boys are advised to seriously study them
before they think of taking the plunge.

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

*********

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

*********

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

*********

It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

*********

It is difficult to understand GOD .
He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives

*********

If u r married please ignore this MSG,
For everyone else: Happy Independence Day

*********

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you say.
After marriage, he'll fall asleep before you finish.

*********

There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking.
It's called marriage

*********

Galfriends r like chocolates, Taste gud anytime.
Lovers r like PIZZAS, Hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Wives r like Dal RICE, eaten when there`s no choice

*********

Man receives telegram: Wife dead should be buried or cremated?
Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

*********

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called 'Man, The Master of Women'?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.

*********

Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!

*********

There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that
he would go through hell for her. They got married and now he is going
thru hell.

*********

Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other
ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life! Your mother
and your wife!

*********

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!

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