X SOME ADULT JOKES ON A SUNDAY!
Life's Rules
*
01. There are 2 sides to every divorce:
Yours and the cheating S*UT's.
02. The closest I got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
03. I live in my own little world but it's OK, everyone knows me here.
04. I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said,
"Thyroid problem?"
And I ducked just in time.
05. I don't do drugs 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast.
06. A sign In a Chinese Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, get one flea."
07. I got a sweater for Christmas.
I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
08. If flying is so safe, why do they call it the airport "terminal?"
09. I don't approve of political jokes.
I've seen too many of them get elected.
10. The most precious thing we have is life,
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
11. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade.
If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Mary's.
12. Shopping tip:
You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
13. I am a nobody;
Nobody is perfect,
And
Therefore, I am perfect.
14. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.
15. How long a minute is, depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
16. Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.
17. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up. You don't know where it's been."
18. When a father enters domestic court he is treated as a sperm donor
and money tree.
Clem, a New Zealander, pulled over the car by the side of the road and
showed Jed another New Zealander, where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It
was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love.We walked down
to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was
standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to
her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."
Women ~vs~ Men
*
01. We can talk dirty to a man and it's not called sexual harassment.
Its $3.99 a minute.
02. We can convince you of the inaccuracy of every weight scale ever made.
We can also educate you on how colours make you look thinner and how
wearing two shirts hides the fat rolls.
03. We only beautify ourselves because we KNOW the average man can see
better than he thinks.
04. We can bleed for five days or more and not die.
In fact, come near us and we'll show you how alive we are.
05. Women can say more with a look than most men can in a sermon.
06. We have curves.
It's been said that "a curve is the sexiest distance between two points."
07. It makes us happy to spot another woman fatter than us.
(Men will never get that feeling.)
08. Women will always be smarter than men.
Not because we know more than a man, because we understand more than a man.
09. Women are the only ones who understand other women, and we
understand men as well.
10. We know if a man doesn't like a woman with brains, then he must be Gay.
The Classic Five Kinds Of Sex.
*
1) The first is:
Smurf Sex.
This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're
blue in the face.
2) The second is:
Kitchen Sex.
This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere,
anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is:
Bedroom Sex.
You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is:
Hallway Sex.
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and throw each other the bird.
5) The fifth kind of sex:
Courtroom Sex.
This is when you get divorced
And your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.
(With the aid, assistance, and encouragement of the Domestic Court System.)
Confucius Says:
Girls should not marry basketball players because they always dribble
before they shoot.
