You Know You're A Redneck If:

01. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

02. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

03. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

04. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

05. You think "The Nutcracker" is a vise on the work bench.

06. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

07. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

08. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

09. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father nade it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool
Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
~~~~~~~~~~
Last night, my kids stopped by, and were sitting in the living room
when I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever
happens, just pull the plug."
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.
They are so on my s*it list!
~~~~~~~~~~
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant,
"you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and
shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then, my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her
lover?" asked the prosecutor
The defendant replies, "It was easier than having to shoot a different
man everyday!"
~~~~~~~~~~
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next
door and said,"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses
her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."
~~~~~~~~~~
Hmmmmm!
Walking can add days to your life. This enables you at 89 years old to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7,000 per month.