XX - Puns of the Day...

Meant to play "Dark Side of the Moon" while watching "The Wizard of
Oz," but accidentally put on "Animals" instead.
Must have been a Floydian slip.

Realizing that I'd put on a pound or two, I lamented to my husband,
"I'm fat."
And, right on cue he said what all good husbands must,
"You're not fat."
To support his position, he added,
"Just look around you at others, and you will see that you are not fat."
But our daughter, a high schooler, saw through it and said,
"Mom, he's grading you on the curve!"

There are only two kinds of computer users.
Those who have had a virus and those who have a Mac.

I knew of a baby born in France and raised only on goose liver spread.
He was paté trained.

There was a real estate agent in our town who had trouble finding homes to sell.
So, he switched to selling undeveloped property.
Now he has lots.

Some people are overweight in just their torso.
Others carry extra pounds on their backside.
Some bear fatty tissue on their arms and legs.
It just goes to prove that the lard works in mysterious ways.

A pile of old bones was discovered in an abandoned lot.
The police were called in and the coroner was tasked with figuring out
who the bones belonged to and what had happened. Within a day the
coroner reported that there was indeed *fowl* play.
The bones all came from male turkeys - about six dozen of them - and
they had perished from a deadly avian virus.
Yes, they were 70 sick tom bones.
Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their
vocal cords. They can't croak.

At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders
tried to answer the question,
"When does life start?"
"At conception," said the Catholic priest.
"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."
"It's in between," said the Baptist.
"Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."
"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins when your
last child leaves home and takes the dog with him."

Detective: How did you get into counterfeiting?
Criminal: I answered an ad that said, "Make money at home.

While closing up a health club one night, I went to check the women's
locker room to make sure it had been properly cleaned.
I was about to knock on the door when I heard a woman inside yelling,
"Liar! Liar! Why can't you cooperate once in a while!"
As she stormed past me, I asked her how many other members were still
getting changed.
"None," she fumed.
I walked in, wondering who had angered her.
Then I spotted the upright scale.
The weight bar was still shaking from her hasty departure.

This guy tried to date a nun.
He wanted to take her to the county fair, but she declined on account
of she had taken a vow abstaining from carnival pleasures.

A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in
walked a beautiful blonde woman.
Without any preliminaries, she declared that she wanted a divorce.
"On what grounds?" asked the lawyer.
"I don't think he is faithful to me," she replied.
"And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, for one thing," replied the young lady, "I don't think he's the
father of my child."

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree
and the woman gets her Masters.